


In the Dark

by mcloveproductions



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, It gets dark kids, References to Depression, Shared Trama, Violence, and im sorry, slowest of slow burns that ever burned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:18:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 48,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22200151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcloveproductions/pseuds/mcloveproductions
Summary: "You- you were a dream- they told me.""No, Rey, I was real... I was always real."As children, they thought it was just their imagination, but as adults, they know that not true.[AKA: force bond but in real life with a lot of trama (sorrynotsorry)]
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 52
Kudos: 139





	1. Rey

**Author's Note:**

> I've been loving reading some of the more angsty fics lately. Especially modern angsty AU's, and then finally this morning THIS idea came to my head and now it's all I think about so get ready for this ridiculous emotional rollercoaster I'm gonna take us on.
> 
> I will always post trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter. Please read responsibly.
> 
> TW: references of depression

| Rey |

"Ah come on mate, that's the dumbest story I've ever heard."

"Yeah, like you had a better story than that one!'

"Boys, please, let's agree that both of your stories are dumb!"

"Piss off, Rose, you're just jealous that my story was the best."

"Hey, Rey, tell your turn!"

Rey did a double-take upon hearing her name. She had been dragged out with her best friends on a Thursday night to grab beers at the pub after work, and though everything in her body screamed **_go home, your tired_** , Rey still showed up. 

She didn't entirely hear exactly what the conversation was about, so she answered with a 'huh' expression, "I'm sorry I didn't-"

"We know, love, your head was up your ass again," Finn, her childhood best friend, smiled, "We are talking about the first time we fell in love. I know you gotta have a good one for us."

"Story about love?" Rey questioned, "I'm not sure-"

"Oh, come on Rey!" Rose playfully shoved her arm, "You've been quiet all night. Take another sip, and tell us a story."

Rey looked between her three friends: her kind and almost overbearing stepbrother Finn, his best friend Poe, and her old college roommate Rose, and then sighed. It didn't take much to remember her story, because these memories were still clear as day in her mind.

It was the idea of sharing a story that she's been keeping in that scared her, "I'm not sure... you're going to think it’s stupid-"

Poe nodded no, "Go one, Rey, we're listening,"

Rey sighed, "Alright," she took a long swig of her beer before putting the bottle down, "When I was a kid, I had a ... I guess you could say he was an imaginary friend-"

"Here we go-" Finn started to groan but Rose smacked his arm to make him stop. Poe also shot the man a dirty look. Finn had heard the stories before, but it still didn't stop Rey from telling them.

"He was a boy, my age or a year older, I don't recall, but he used to come to me all the time," Rey explained as she played with the rim of her beer bottle, "He was like my best friend-"

"But he was fake?" Rose questioned.

"I thought he was, but he seemed so real," Rey went on, her eyes drifting down not really focused on anything, "I used to remember his name; he told me once, but I just can't recall it anymore. For years I would see him. All I had to do was call for him and he'd appear; like magic, and then one day- he stopped appearing altogether."

"That's ‘cause you were a nut as a kid," Finn snorted and the other two groaned as he snarky response, "Everyone in the foster house thought you lost your marbles. Always talking to walls and playing with ghosts-"

Poe smacked Finn for the second time that night, "Finn, stop being a fuck."

"So this imaginary boy, was your first love?" Poe had a skeptical look on his face, "But you said-"

"He was imaginary, yes, but I just- I remember him being so real," Rey told them, feeling silly for telling her story in the first place, "It doesn't matter. I grew up, and realized it was only in my head."

"I think it's kind of adorable," Rose smiled and the two boys groaned, "What? Imagine having this like secret lover only you can see? Those would've been some kinky teen years."

Poe pinched the bridge of his nose, "I don't wanna talk about this anymore, Rose made it weird."

"Yeah enough weird shit about my sister, please," Finn pushed himself away from the table they all sat at, "I need more beer."

"I'm coming with you," Poe said as both boys left the table.

Once they were gone, Rose looked back to Rey, "Well I believe you, Rey."

"Sometimes I forget he ever existed and some days all the memories come rushing back," Rey tried her best to remember what the boy looked like and some of the details were there. His wavy black hair that hides his cute ears a touch too big for his head. Big brown eyes and a kind smile. Rey could remember so much about the boy, "I just wish I could remember his name."

"Mystery boy has been on your mind a lot, huh?" Rose smirked as she reached for her fruity cocktail.

Rey rolled her eyes, "Not like that. It's just... every once in a while I see him," She sighed, knowing she didn't really make any sense, "I know that, logically, he has to be a dream but every now and then I see his face."

"Maybe it's a memory," Rose suggested and she sipped through her straw.

Rey shrugged, "There were no boys in the foster home me and Finn grew up in that fit the description-"

The room grew silent as if the entire bar was set to mute, but her heartbeat had been turned up to max volume. Rey breathed heavily, in and out as her eyes lifted up. Across the way on the other side of the bar, she saw him.

The black as night hair, dark brown eyes staring right back at her and his lips- Not smiling but also opened slightly as he panted. He wore all black. A leather jacket over a tight black shirt, black jeans over black shoes. He seemed to be holding his side, near his waistline and when she focused a little more she could tell why:

Blood.

"Ex- excuse me, Rose, I need to go," Rey muttered as she jumped up from the seat as she grabbed her coat and followed the boy (now a man) from her childhood out of the bar. She could hear her friend calling out for her, but it was faint and nothing compared to the buzzing in her ear that blocked out the world. 

All Rey could focus on was the man who was trying to escape her. She watched as he stumbled through the exit of the bar, no one around him seems to notice the bleeding man walking past them, and as Rey pushed the door open and headed outside he was gone.

There was a hand on her shoulder, and she jumped. Only realizing that the hand was Finn once she turned around, "Rey, you alright Peanut?"

Rey nodded, "I- I thought..."

"You take your pill today, sis?" Finn frowned slightly, his hand rubbing her shoulder softly, "You've seemed off today."

Rey looked around one more time, reassuring that the man was truly gone, "I- uh... no," Rey sighed, rubbing at her wrists, "I left it at home..."

"Maybe you should call it a night, you've had a long day," Finn pulled Rey in for a hug, one she half-heartedly returned, "Take care of yourself, little sister."

"I will-" Rey sighed, her mind not on herself but on the bleeding man she saw moments ago, her word's barely escaping her lips, "I'm trying."

* * *

Her apartment was always clean. Too clean. To the point that it looked almost unlived in. It matched how Rey felt on the inside. Decorated just enough to make her look like she wasn't entirely hollow. Rey dropped her apartment keys in the little tray on her kitchen counter and walked over to the bathroom; not bothering to turn on any lights.

In the bathroom, she found the pills she was looking for in a mirrored medicine cabinet above her sink. She looked at the name of the prescription and without even putting a pill in her mouth it left her with a bitter taste on her tongue: citalopram.

The first time she was prescribed them her doctor joked they were her _happy pills_. 

She was 12.

She knew what they were for.

Rey threw the bottle as hard as she could out of the room without looking, and listened as it hit something with a soft 'thud' before dropping to the floor. The sound wasn't hard enough to be the floor, and it scared her. Very slowly, Rey turned her head to the left to find a shadow standing in her hall.

Part of her wanted to scream, but she couldn't. Her voice had been caught in her throat, and no words could come out. Instead, Rey backed deeper into the bathroom, as the shadow moved in closer. Slowly, they crept into the room and the moon started to illuminate their face.

Black wavy hair and deep brown eyes on a face she knew all too well, and when it finally came to her she spoke his name:

"Ben?"

Before there could be a reply, the grown reflection of her childhood memory slumped to her floor. He was groaning in pain, and suddenly she remembered he had been bleeding. Rey dropped to her knees before him, slowly reaching a hand outward to the place where she remembered he'd been bleeding from. She expected him to disappear to the moment she made contact but he didn't.

Instead, she felt him shiver and looked up to find him staring into her eyes.

"Rey?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also just so you know cause idk if it's the same for everyone else but I'm my mind modern!Finn speaks with John Boyega's accident.
> 
> So take that as you may lol


	2. Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> double feature because I feel like it takes two to tang- figure out exactly what the frick going on here.
> 
> TW: references to alcohol/drug abuse and depression.

| Ben |

  
  


"What's your earliest memory?"

"I don't know, why?"

"Come on, there must be one thing you can think of. First friend? First toy? First crush... First fuck?"

"You're a pig, Hux."

"Mine is killing a mouse with the bottom of my foot. Snapped the little beastie right in two."

"There is something _seriously wrong_ with you!"

"Ren, what's your earliest memory?"

Kylo Ren took a long drag of his cigarette, dropping the bud to the ground and crushing it with the heel of his shoe. He looked up and to his left where his two _partners_ (for lack of a better word) stood next to him, all leaned up against the same black car. They weren't exactly friends and he wouldn't say the 'worked' together but Ren would say he wasted a lot of his time with Phasma and Hux.

But Ren didn't exactly _hate_ the time he spent stuck with them.

"I don't have one," Ren explained as he scratched the side of his neck.

"Liar," Hux smirked as he stared back at him, "You've got to have something in constantly wandering that mind of yours!"

"Oh, piss off, Hux, he already said he doesn't got one," Phasma smacked the ginger man in the arm with the backside of her hand, "Don't let him bully you, Ren, he's just being a prick."

"Most people like my prick." Hux glared at the tall blonde woman and smirked.

Phasma only rolled her eyes, "Fuck, I hate doing shifts with you."

"A girl," Ren finally said (only with the hopes of shutting them both up). He could remember her in great detail. Three little buns in her hair, always a messy face and a big smile, but those _eyes_. He would never forget her light brown eyes, "My earliest memory is of a girl."

"Was she hot?" Hux chuckled and Phasma hit him again.

"We were children, you sick fuck," Ren snapped, shaking his head out of sheer disappointment, "She was just a girl from my childhood. I don't know where she even came from, but she's the only thing I can remember from... _before_." Her name sits in his throat, and he swallows to keep it down.

Phasma could see a shift in Kylo Ren's eyes, "What happened to her?" 

"Who cares!" Hux whined in quite a rude manner, "Besides," Hux nodded forward to a car that was pulling up to them. There was a wide smirk on his face, "We have company."

The all-black mystery car pulled up side by side with the car Kylo Ren and the other two were leaning against. Someone inside sitting in the back passenger seat opened a window. A man in a suit whose face seemed pretty hidden in the shadows of the side streets they were hidden in, "You got the package?"

Ren turned around and pulled out a heavily packed brown bag from his driver seat and threw it into the other car, "Next time you're late, Boss says we can split _his_ cut in half."

The suited man checked the contents of the bag before placing it to his side, "The Empire thanks you for your service," Tipping his nonexistent hat he rolled his window up as the car started to drive away.

The car pulled a u-turn and started to drive away from Kylo and the others. Once they seemed to be gone, Hux scoffed frustratedly, "Fuck those Empire shits."

"Let's get the fuck out of here," Phasma got up from where she was leaning and started to walk around to the passenger seat of their car "I'm ready to get wasted and forget about this stupid night."

"Wait!" Ren called out to the two of them before they could move very far. He could see headlights coming back... getting closer, "Fuck, move!"

The three of them jumped out of the way as the Empire car sped back to their location, crashing into their ride and pushing a few feet before they stopped. Ren on the left side of the vehicle while Hux and Phasma faced the right. The moment he could catch his footing, Ren pulled the gun hidden against his back and his black jeans and started to fire at the car. 

Just as quickly as the _Empire thugs_ zoomed in, they started to leave, all passengers of their car leaning out of the window and firing on Ren and his partners. Hux and Phasma managed to kill the two on their side of the car.

Ren, however, was hit right in his waist just as the driver was getting away, causing him to drop to the floor. Once the car was actually gone, Hux and Phasma went to check on Ren.

"Those fucking assholes!" Hux growled in anger as he stomped around, "The Supreme Leader will _not_ be happy with this one bit!"

Phasma lent Ren a hand to get up, but he denied it and stood on his own, "He's going to be more pissed _you_ let yourself get shot like that."

"This isn't the worst thing that's happened to me," Ren gritted through his teeth as he held his wound. He could feel the blood seeping through his fingers and knew it was a good hit, and it made him feel a touch woozy. 

And then he started to hear a buzz.

He couldn't have possibly been dying, could he? A shot like that could've not at all done any damage and they definitely missed all the important bits in his body, but suddenly he felt extremely woozy. Ren knew it was way passed the time he usually took his meds but that couldn't really be it- could it?

Then as he lifted his head something in the distance caught his eye. A girl. No, not a girl but a woman. Short in height and petite in size. Brown hair kept half up and half down that fell just beneath her shoulder, wearing a long-sleeved cream-colored sweater and ripped jeans with sneakers. Her lips her a light pink but those eyes-

He did say he would _never_ forget her eyes.

Ren exhale was shaky and he started to pant a bit. _What was she doing here? How did she find me?_ In a panic he started to rush off, doing his best to make haste out of the alley. He could hear Hux and Phasma calling out to him, but Ren didn't care. He needed to get far away.

Kylo Ren wasn't ready to confront _her_ yet. 

He could hear her following him. The only noises in his ears ringing in the air and the sound of her footsteps picking up the pace to catch up to him. There was a gate that led from the alleyway back out into the city streets. He struggled for a second, but got the gate open and rushed right through it. As he made it to the other side, he turned back to find that she was gone. 

Ren dug into his pocket to search for his phone, and the moment he found it he dialed Hux, who sounded angry upon answering, "Where the hell did you limp off to! You're bleeding everywhere, you dumb ass!"

"Clean everything up and burn the car, I'm headed back," Ren grunted through the pain.

He heard a heavy sigh, "Fuck! Fine..."

The two hung up without speaking another word to the other.

* * *

When Ren got back the sun had gone down and night had made his apartment pitch black. Not that he minded the darkness. Opening the door to his space (Ren wouldn’t really call it a home) he found there was a cold empty emptiness that greeted him. Ren didn’t own much. The furnishing was kept to a minimum unless you counted the numerous amounts of empty beer bottles that laid scattered across the floor. After locking the many locks on the front door, he stumbled over to the kitchen counter and tossed his keys down; not really taking notice of where they landed.

He groaned as he wandered to his bathroom, the only things on his mind was getting his pills and wrapping himself up. Okay, maybe not the only thing.

She saw him.

Ren cursed himself as he stopped for a second to rest against the wall, looking down to take a peek at his wound. It seemed to go straight through but _fuck_ did it hurt. Funny enough, he was less concerned about getting shot and more concerned about the fact that **she** saw him. 

He wouldn’t say her name. That would make it too real, everything he did… to her… to himself. Ren wouldn’t dare send himself down that rabbit hole, but before he could even get the chance to do anything about it he could hear the buzz again. Ren bit his lip, muttering yet another curse to himself. 

He had no choice, he had to confront her.

In his bathroom, he could hear when he only assumed was her moving around. Ren got off the wall and wobbled towards the room. Just as he arrived a pill bottle flew through the doorway and hit him right in the chest with a soft ‘thud’, landing on the floor with a faint jingle sound.

He looked up to see her standing there, well aware of his presence. Slowly, she turned to face him, fear overcoming her face when she saw him there in the darkness of the hall. She blacked a little deeper into the bathroom, and Ren moved a few steps forward. Once he seemed to be under the light of the moon, he stopped.

Her fear turned to shock and then softened into sadness as the realization of who he was hit her. Then, like a whisper, she spoke his name. His _true_ name:

“Ben?”

Every emotion he had ever felt, as well as the pain of the gunshot wound, caught up to him with the sound of his real name on her lips and immediately Ren dropped to his knees. He groaned in pain, holding tighter to his side. Ren could see her shadow kneel down before him, and from the corner of his eyes, he watched as a small shaky hand reached out and touched him. Her touch, cold and soft, sent a shiver down his spine as he looked up at her face. When her eyes finally met his, Ren said the name he had been holding in for the last fourteen years:

“Rey?”


	3. Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: references of depression, cutting and suicide attempts.

| Rey |

_“Ben? Ben where are you?” A much younger Rey yelled, tears rolling down her face. She was only 6, sitting on the concrete as she held her scraped and bloody knee closer for her to see. She cried harder, his name breaking out through the sobs, “Ben?”_

_He appeared beside her suddenly, a happier, boy of barely 7 years old. Ben ran to her side, and started to examine her knee, “Sunshine, what happened?”_

_“I-I fell…” She sobbed even more, not so much from the pain than the scare._

_Ben smiled sweetly, “Don’t worry, you’re okay.” The little, shaggy-haired boy ran off and reappeared moments later with a wet cloth and a bandaid in his hand. Very carefully he cleaned the wound, Rey only wincing for a moment, and then put the bandaid on top, “See? All better.”_

_Rey held her arms out and Ben kneeled down to give her a hug. He was already much taller than her for someone less than a year older in age. With a smile, Ben kissed the top of Rey’s head, “I’ll always be here when you call, Rey- always.”_

**Always.**

* * *

Rey couldn’t help but let the tears roll down her face as the memory slipped into her mind. She couldn’t believe it. Ben was here. He wasn’t a dream, an imaginary friend or someone she just made up. Ben was a real person who she used to know long ago. Someone, who by some incredible connection, was here in her apartment though she knew he was truly there. Long before the pills and the lonely nights staring into the abyss. Years of psychologist telling her she was wrong. 

And yet-

"You- you were a dream,” Rey choked on her words as they fell out of her mouth, her hand shaking over Ben’s bloody wound, “I don’t… It can’t be. They told me you were only a voice in my head-"

"No... Rey- I was real,” She could see he was trying his best not to tear up, “I was always real."

Rey lifted her free hand to his face and gasped as it met his skin, “You left me. I called for you-”

“I shouldn’t be here,” Ben tried to rise to the floor, but his wound was sapping him of his energy.

Rey jumped up and grabbed everything of use from her cabinets before getting back on the floor, “Why are you bleeding?”

“Don’t worry about me,” Ben tried to back away from her this time, but that also didn’t work as well as he hoped, “You need to let me go.”

“No!” She didn’t mean for it to come out as a yell, but it did. It startled not just Ben, but herself as well, “Let me help you.”

“No, Rey…”

“Please! You’re hurt-”

“I said no!” Ben snapped, grabbing her wrist as she leaned out to touch him. It was rougher than he intended it to be, and it caused Rey to jerk back. His eyes lingered up her arm to where he held her, his thumb moving the material of her sweater down only a touch to reveal rigged lines that crossed in every direction. She let out a sob as he studied the scars down, knowing he remembered just as well as she did where they came from. Rey could hear him exhale, her eyes too fearful to fully look at him anymore, “Staying will only hurt you more.”

“Leaving is what hurt me in the first place,” Rey sobbed again, tears rolling down her eyes with no end in sight. She was looking down at the gauze, medical tape, a couple of hand towels, and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide sitting between them when Ben let her wrist go, using the same hand to wipe her face.

She could hear barely holding back his own tears and looked up to find him with bloodshot eyes. Ready to cry, “Help me clean it… and then I’m gone.”

Rey took a deep breath. It was clear nothing else could convince him to stay, but she could at least make sure he was going to be okay, ‘Fine, but you’re going to have to take your shirt off.”

Ben shook his head no. He was hiding something, she could feel it, “No, I’ll lift it... and that’s it.”

Rey sighed and nodded okay, watching as Ben lifted the shirt just enough for her to see the wound. It looked too round to be from a knife, which made Rey panic when she thought of who in the world would want to shoot Ben. Getting back to it, she grabbed the hydrogen peroxide and unscrewed the cap, “Do you want me to-”

“Just- just pour it right on there,” Ben told her, “I’ll be fine.”

“Fine but,” Rey picked the hand towel and twisted it up just a bit, “Bite down on this, okay?”

Ben nodded okay, taking the twisted towel from Rey’s hand and biting down on it hard. He started to breathe heavier, exhaling through his nose as he looked up at the ceiling. Trying to keep his concentration elsewhere Rey assumed. Carefully as she could she started to pour the peroxide over Ben’s wound and watched as he squirmed in pain, grunting through the towel as tears fell down his eyes. She soaked it best she could and then grabbed another towel and tried to wipe up any lingering blood. When the hole was cleaned up the best she could, she layered a couple of pieces of gauze down and wrapped up the front side best she could.

Ben momentarily removed the towel, “You gotta do the back.” 

Rey nodded okay. There were so many things that she started to notice about him now that her mind started to settle. For starters, he was riddled in old scars all over his body. Everywhere there seemed to be skin, Ben had a scar, except for his face where one singular scar ran from above his right eye down his cheek and seemed to go down beneath the collar of his shirt. Second, he had grown a goatee, which from what she could remember he didn’t previously. He had changed so much.

Clearly, this man was not the boy she remembered anymore.

Rey got up to move around him, setting down behind him so she could clean up his back. With peroxide in hand, Rey steadied herself the best she could, “Ready?” Ben nodded yes and lifted the back of his shirt and jacket only enough for her to see the wound. Though on his back she could also see more scars near his newest wound. Taking a deep breath, Rey poured more peroxide on the hole and Ben groaned louder through the towel. She tried to be quick to clean and patch this side up, and by the time she was done, Ben had fallen back into her lap. The contact of him landing on her making her gasp lightly. 

He was fully panting now, towel out of his mouth as he tried to breathe, “T-thank you...”

“Of course,” She didn’t touch him, though she wanted to. There were so many things Rey wanted to do to Ben at that moment. She wanted to cry and ask him why he abandoned her for so many years. She wanted to hit him for doing so in the first place. To hold him for coming back, and not let him go. Instead, she chose to watch him carefully as his eyes started to flutter shut, “Ben- I’m… I’m not ready to say goodbye.”

He tried to steady his breath as he glanced momentarily at her face, both his hands holding his side, “We have to, Sunshine, I can’t stay-”

_“Sunshine, what happened?”_

The nickname was like a punch in the gut, and Rey could barely recall the last time he called her that. “Why?” She started to tear up and wondered when the tears would finally run out. Rey sniffled and wiped her face again, “Can’t you at least tell me why?”

Ben sighed heavy, and she could see his eyes gloss over, a single tear falling down his face, “I can’t be Ben Solo anymore… He’s dead. Everything he was… it’s gone.”

Rey shook her head no, “I don’t believe you.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be better, Rey,” Ben lifted his hand to her face and wiped a stray tear away, “Please, forgive me…” His eyes shut close and just like that, he was gone.

The moment his weight was gone, Rey collapsed into her own lap and sobbed. So many years, so many doctors, telling her she was crazy or being a child for thinking that Ben existed and finally she knew the truth. He was out there, somewhere, lost but alive. Clearly, he was not the person she had met as a child but part of that Ben was still in him. She wanted that person back. She needed his warm presence to fill the void in her heart that had been there since she was twelve years old. Rey wouldn’t let Ben wander out of her life so easily, and this time she would have to.

This time, she had his last name.

“Ben Solo,” Rey whispered the name as she sat up, “I found you.”

_The next time I call, I know you’ll be there. I know it._

* * *

_Buzz. Buzz. Buzz._

Rey woke the next morning to the sound of her phone going off. She had seemed to fall asleep in an awkward position on her bed, one her legs dangled off the side while the other remained on the bed. Next to her, she found a pen as well as a piece of paper with the same two words written over and over again, covering the sheet from top to bottom:

**Ben Solo.**

He had come to her last night, for the first time in fourteen years. Rey still could remember the night before as clear as day. In fact, it was the clearest she had felt in the last fourteen years.

_Buzz. Buzz. Buzz._

Rey reached over to her nightstand and picked up her cellphone to see that she had missed about 27 texts and 10 phone calls since she got home last night. Almost all of it from Finn. 

"Shit-"Rey dialed her brother back and held the phone to her ear as she waited for him to pick up.

When he did, he was not happy, "Are you fucking kidding me, Peanut?! Do you know how close I was to sending the cops over there? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"I'm sorry I got back and then something insane happened I saw-," Rey started to explain what happened the night before but Finn cut her off.

"Hold that thought," Finn replied, "I'm downstairs you can tell me after you let me in."

"Fine," Rey hung up and rose from the bed, not caring that she was still in the same clothes from the night before. As she walked down the little hall she realized that she had never taken her pill last night and the bottle was still on her floor. Rey picked up the bottle and sighed, and wanted nothing more but to throw them out the window. For now, she would settle with putting them away.

Except, when she looked at the bathroom she realized there was a bloody mess from the night before. It only cemented deeper in her mind that Ben Solo was real and he _was_ in her apartment last night… but would Finn believe that? After everything that happened, what good reason did she give her foster brother to believe in her?

_No, he probably wouldn't.._

So Rey put the pills down on the bathroom sink and then closed the door so he wouldn't see the mess she'd have to clean later. A knock on her door let Rey know he was there, and she rushed over to let him in.

The moment Rey opened the door, Finn drew her in for a big hug, barely making it past the doorway, "Jesus, are you okay?"

"Yes, yes I'm fine!" Rey replied, not really hugging him back. When he let go she could tell he was _inspecting_ her with his eyes, making sure she was okay, "Actually," Rey's smile was very faint but it was still definitely a smile, "I feel pretty okay this morning…"

Finn looked shocked as he followed her through the doorway and into the apartment, closing the door behind him, "Really? That's wonderful, Peanut!"

Finn walked over to Rey's kitchen and started the coffee pot. She followed him at a distance, her mind still distracted from the night before, "Yeah, slept pretty good too."

"Well I'm happy you're taking care of yourself," Finn smiled as he pulled two mugs from her cabinet, "You deserve happiness, little sister.'

Rey smiled back. Her first genuine smile in years. He was right, she did deserve happiness and right now that happiness was finding Ben Solo. Where ever he was, whatever it took. Rey was deserved to be happy.

The only question was, where would she start?


	4. Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: reference of abusive and controlling relationships

| Ben |

_ Ben could remember the first time he saw her. Which in reality he really shouldn't, being he was only 5 years old but he does. Clear as day. Ben was home with one of his many nannies he would go through over his childhood. Old lady, squinty eyes and saggy skin. She would smoke by the window and watch the news while Ben played alone I'm his room. His mother was at work and his dad… he would be doing whatever it is his dad did.  _

_ Ben had been lying on his floor, staring up at his painted ceiling. It was dark blue with glow in the dark stars. Tired of playing alone with the same boring toys and partially considering putting himself down on his own for a nap. _

_ When suddenly, a little girl was looking down at him.  _

_ She had brown hair pulled up in three buns in the back of her head, which he thought was the oddest thing he had ever seen. Her clothes were simple and not very girly, but he could tell from her eyes and smile she was definitely a girl. "What are you looking at?" She asked him. Her light brown eyes and long lashes batting at him. _

_ Ben jumped up, accidentally bumping his head into hers, "Ow!" The girl held her own head, her eyes getting red and teary. Ben looked at her and immediately felt terrible, "I'm sorry!' _

_ "It hurts," The girl frowned and her lips quivered, she was ready to cry. _

_ Ben moved her hand to find a red mark from where he bumped her, and with both hands on the sides of her head he pulled her closer and gave it a kiss, "Better?" _

_ There was a smile on her face now, and she sniffled back her tears, "Better!" _

_ "I'm Ben," Ben put his hand out to shake and she took it almost instantly. _

_ She shook it with a good grip, and a cheeky smile on her face, "I'm Rey!" _

_ "Rey? That's a bit weird," Ben replied like the honestly brutal child he was. Which, of course, was no thanks to his mother raising him to always speak his mind. _

_ Rey pouted at his response, "No! It's like a ray of sunshine! Sunshine isn't weird." _

_ "I guess, " Ben shrugged, the 5-year-old not bothering to think into it too much, "Do you want to play with me? My nanny is boring…" Ben explained as he led Rey over to his toys by the hand. He picked up a toy plane and held it up for her to take, "Here, you can use this one! I have another I can use." _

_ With a big smile, Rey nodded yes and took the toy plane carefully from his hands, "Okay!" _

  
  


* * *

  
  


"Ren? Ren! If you're dead I swear to Christ-"

A kick to the leg shook him from his dream and his eyes opened slowly to find Hux standing above him. Ren groaned, his body aching from spending the night on his bathroom floor. For a moment he forgot how he had gotten there, trying to think back on what had happened the night before.

_ Rey. _

She saw him last night. Worse, she saw him bleeding and cleaned his wound. It was still sore this morning, but his chest hurt more. Ren didn't mean to open the connection last night, but now that it was open again… he wasn't sure he wanted to close it.

"Ren? Get up, we gotta go see the Boss." Hux lent him a hand to help him rise, and this time Ren accepted the assistance.

"How did you get inside?" Ren asked as he rose to his feet.

Hux smirked with arms crossed, "Fire escape. You should consider putting as many locks as you got on your door on your windows."

"Well I don't imagine people who want to kill me are gonna worry about the locks," Ren replied as he headed to his bedroom, removing his jacket and tossing it to the floor. He headed to a dresser and pulled out a clean black shirt.

"Need help?" Hux chuckled.

Ben gave him a dirty look, "Not on your life." Very carefully he lifted off his dirty bloody shirt and threw it to the floor. Looking down he could see that Rey had done a good job patching him up.

_ She's had experience _ .

The thought made him sick.

Slowly, he put the new shirt on and headed to his closet to find a new jacket to put on. He pulled out a black peacoat and headed out of his room, "How mad is he?"

"Not as mad as I expected, to be honest," Hux replied as he followed Ren to the kitchen, "I truly expected one of us to lose a hand, but it seems he's more worried about his prized pupil than he is the car or money."

His words made Ren's stomach turn.  _ Of course,  _ **_that's_ ** _ what he's worried about, _ "What he say?"

"I was told the next time you get hurt on my watch it'll be hell to pay,". Hux had a bitter glare now, "The  _ prince _ must be handled with care I presume."

Ren scoffed, finding his keys and a pack of cigarettes and shoving them both in his pockets, "Next time I get shot I'll make sure we are both dead before he can find out."

"So shall I," Hux nodded with pursed lips, "Rather you or Phas than him."

Ren smirked, "For once, Hux, I entirely agree."

  
  


* * *

  
  


For as long as Ren had been apart of the First Order he had known his boss as only one thing: Supreme Leader Snoke. He was a small and bitter old man, but what he lacked in strength he made up with fear. Fear is what kept the whole gang in check, and what kept the likes of Kylo Ren, Hux, and Phasma under his heel.

The shit  _ he _ had done to people… Ren swore to never say aloud again.

Snoke's private estate was Upstate, only an hour and change away from the city where Rem and the rest of the First Order ran business. Yes, New York City was Ren's to run, but it was Snoke who pulled the strings. He was only the weapon, and Snoke was the one who was in control.

It had been this was still he was 14 years old.

Ren entered Snoke's office alone, Hux waiting outside to be called in. Snoke's office reminded Ren of a thrown room for a supervillain, dark and spacious with a large throne-like chair in the center of the room.

Of course, in that chair: Snoke.

"Kylo Ren," Snoke's voice was like nails on a chalkboard, but over the years Ren had learned to control his emotions around his boss, "I heard the Empire retaliated last night at the drop…" He looked at Ren with this deformed face and smirked, "Show me." Ren started to lift the shirt to show him the room when- "No!" His voice made him jerk, "Jacket and shirt off."

He would hide his fear and discomfort the best he could as he removed the jacket, letting it drop to the floor and then carefully removing the shirt; slapping it to the floor a little more aggressively than he should of, "I already patched it-"

Snoke rose to his feet, his staring making Ren feel just  _ filthy _ , "Take the bandage off."

Ren kept all emotions to the back of his mind as he did what Snoke said, feeling bad for ruining Rey's handy work. Now that the whole battered chest was exposed he could see that Rey had done a decent job. No doctor, obviously, but good enough for him. Snoke was now inches away from Ren, eyeing up the scars that adorned his body. 

"You've become quite the  _ masterpiece _ Kylo," Snoke put his thin, skeleton like fingers on Ren's face, keeping his mouth shut and eyes focus on anything that  _ wasn't  _ his boss. Still, he knew Snoke's eyes were piercing into him just from the pit feeling in his chest, "It took a lot of trial and error to break you, and rid you of the cowardice child you were, but now- look at you," Snoke snickered as he grabbed Ren's face roughly, forcing him to look Snoke in the eyes, "The perfect monster."

"Thank you," Ren's words could barely get out through the grip Snoke in his face. (Not like he wanted to speak them anyway)

A fire stirred in Snoke's eyes, "Thank you  **what** !?"

Ren exhaled more shaky than intended, "Thank you, Master." He almost choked on those words. Who had he become in the last sixteen years? This man walked all over him and everyone else who was stuck in his clutches and instead of doing something about it, Ren thanked him like the coward he was. How the fuck did he become this obedient **monster?**

_ How could someone like  _ **_him_ ** _ be connected to someone like her? _

Snoke's touch remained rough, even as he let Ren go, "I wanted the head of the man who dared to ruin my hard work, do you understand?"

Ren nodded yes, "Of course, Master."

"Put your clothes back on," Snoke growled at Ren, who immediately jumped to cover himself upon receiving permission. Snoke made his way back to his seat and sat down. One Ren had his shirt and jacket back on again, he called Ren's partner into the room, "Hux?! Get in here."

Hux wasted no time to rush into the room, stopped next to Ren and standing to his side, "Yes Supreme Leader?"

"You and Kylo's next assignment is to find the remaining men the _ Emperor _ sent out the other night and to the drop," Snoke explained with a dastardly look on his face as he sat back into his seat, "I want whoever was left alive after last night dead, and their heads brought to me."

Hux half bowed with his upper body, "We will not fail you, Supreme Leader."

"I know you won't," Snoke smirked in a way that Ren was sure made Hux feel just as disgusted as he did, "Because if you don't-

Your punishments will  _ not _ be pleasant."


	5. Soulmate

| Rey |

_"Benny? What does this word mean?" An eight-year-old Rey held her homework out for Ben to see and the boy leaned over to read the word she was pointing at._

_"You mean ‘soulmate’?" Ben asked as he read the sentence on the paper, "It means like… two people who were made just for each other. Ya know?" His head turned quick and Rey could see something has caught his attention. In her chest, she could feel his anxiety stirring._

_Rey could see Ben start to tense up, and their heart synced at the same fast speed, "Your parents?" It was always like this when his parents were involved, and Rey’s heart ached for him._

_Ben frowned with a nod, "They are fighting again, I can hear them. Mom sounds really mad…"_

_Rey reached out and grabbed Ben's hand, squeezing it tightly, "It's okay, Ben, I'm here for you."_

_With a sigh, Ben turned back to Rey and smiled, "I know, Sunshine, thanks," He went back to examining the homework she was doing, "So… what do they have you reading in school?"_

_She scoffed as she took her homework back, "Some sappy love story with a fairytale and a happy ending," Rey groaned as she rolled her eyes at the thought of it and her silly reaction made Ben laughed, "It’s crazy how there are so many books and movies pretend this is what happens to people but the truth is that real life isn't like this. True love like_ **_that_ ** _can’t be real."_

_"Do you really think that?" Ben asked, keeping his focus on her work. Rey knew he was trying his best to concentrate on her and not his fighting parents yelling in the background of his home._

_"Yeah, I mean, your parents always fight… ya know?" Rey explained as she looked down as her hands shifted into her lap. Her voice getting softer and softer as she spoke until her words just about existed only in their minds, "And well... my parents they- they abandoned me..."_

_As her emotions shifted to a fragile place, she could hear Ben’s chair shuffle closer to her "I won't abandon you, Rey," His voice was almost at a whisper. She could feel Ben’s warmth as he moved his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close as he rested his head against her, "I'll be here for you for the rest of your life," With his words, Rey’s face turned pink and warm. And though she couldn’t tell which one of them started the butterflies in her stomach to stir, she welcomed the feeling. Ben’s next words warming her heart and soul, "You were made for me..."_

_Rey smiled wide as she snuggled her body more into his," You mean… like a soulmate?"_

_"Yeah," Ben chuckled softly as he turned to kiss her forehead, "like a soulmate."_

* * *

  
  


_Soulmates._

Rey could remember more and more of these memories every day she avoided taking her pills, and for the week after Rey had reunited with Ben, she had spent all her free time searching the internet for Ben Solo. After the first few days, she realized the man she was looking for was most likely American, (after all those years of talking, that was the most obvious part), and she knew that something **big** ; something _bad_ , that must have happened to him when they were twelve years old. Something that would justify Ben cutting the connection between him and Rey.

Rey had blocked that hellish day from her memory, but in order to find him, she knew she’d have to open pandora’s box to remember what went wrong. After seventeen years, it didn’t matter how much pain those events may have caused her because Rey needed answers.

She was desperate for them.

On day four, Rey had convinced Rose to let her borrow a laptop for a day so she could do some ‘research’ (of which nature she did not disclose). A couple hours had passed and Rey was stuck on the couch scrolling through google. So much time looking at news articles and rummaging through the depths of Facebook in hopes that she could even the slightest sign of Ben's existence. At this point, Rey was ready to start praying if that’s what it took to find Ben Solo.

She was on page six of her Google search tab and was tired of finding nothing. Suddenly, her phone started to buzz and when she looked to see who it was the name read _Rose_ , "Hey."

"I hope you're hungry cause I'm downstairs with some pizza and a bottle of wine," Rose voice seemed a little bummed.

"Yeah sure," Rey replied, lowering the screen of the laptop but not entirely turning everything off, "I'll buzz you up… just one second."

After a few minutes since being buzzed into the building, Rose was at her door. Rey had let her old roommate in to find that she did indeed look a bit sad, "Hey, is everything alright?"

"Can you believe I was blown off again! I'm done with men forever," Rose groaned as she walked through the door and placed the box of pizza and then a bottle of wine on the counter, "I think I'm gonna just get a cat and call it a day, I can’t take this anymore."

Rey chuckled as she watched Rose move through her kitchen, "Don't give up yet, there must be someone out there for you."

"And you as well, you know, we can't just spend the rest of our lives as spinsters! We are both waaay too hot for that life," Rose complained as she gathered two plates and two wine glasses for both girls. She glanced at the laptop she had lent Rey and smirked, "Working on your dating profile?"

Rey snorted as she looked for her bottle opener, "Not at all." When she turned around she found Rose getting closer to the laptop, "Wait- Rose!"

As Rose lifted the screen she found the 17 open tables open, as well as multiple notes that had been written down on a pad and immediately started reading. The moment she caught on to what exactly Rey had been doing, she turned around and gasped, "Are you searching for mystery boy!?" There was a hint of excitement in Rose's face.

Of course, there would be. She didn't know the stories Rey knew. 

The same ones that would make Finn furious if he knew what she had been doing.

"Yes- I have," Rey uncorked the wine bottle and poured two glasses, "his name is Ben... Ben Solo."

Rose smiled, "I can see that," she turned back to the coffee table where Rey was doing her research and picked up the notebook, "29 or 30. American. Long black hair, dark brown eyes, a goatee, and pale skin. 6 feet or taller, and with a fit physique," Rose listed off all the things Rey knew for certain and chuckled, "Damn, girl, he _sounds_ hot."

Rey walked over to Rose with both wine glasses, her eyes rolling at her friends’ silliness, "The main point is... he's real, Rose, and I'm going to do everything I can to find him."

Rose took the glass and tried not to make such an obviously skeptical look, "and you've really had him in your head? Your whole life?"

"I don't expect you to believe me," Rey exhaled through her nose, "But Ben Solo is out there, and-"

"And?"

"And I think he's in trouble," Rey sat down on the couch and Rose sat with her, "I'm going to tell you something I haven't said out loud since I was a child and I need you to believe me."

Rose could see Rey was visibly shaking and reached out with her free hand to gently touch her friend’s arm, "You can trust me, Rey."

With a nod, Rey out down her wine glass and sighed, “When I was really little, only 4 or 5, I saw a boy lying down on the ground in the park owned by the orphanage I was lived in. His name was Ben, and he asked me to play with him… and when I said yes, he handed me a toy plane that appeared out of thin air,” Rey tried her best not to get worked up, taking deep breaths as she told her story, “It wasn’t until later that day that I realized Ben wasn’t a boy from the orphanage at all- in fact… to him, he had been in his bedroom that whole time,” Rey started to fiddle with the bottom of her shirt as the memories rushed back to her, “Over the years we realized we had a bond of sorts… a special connection where all we had to do was start thinking of one another and the other would appear. He was always there for me when I needed him,” Could feel herself unintentionally start to tear up, “He was my best friend…”

Rose took a sip of her wine and Rey could see she was trying to process everything she was telling her, “So… what happened?”

“I- I don’t know,” Rey sniffled back the tears as best she could, but her vision had already become quite blurry, “He just… stopped answering my calls,” There was more to the events that happened on that fateful day, but Rey wasn’t ready to speak them. Her hands moved from her shirt to her wrists, feeling the bumps of her scars as she tried to keep the repressed memories away, “I must have called his name a hundred times… he never came.”

There was a silent buzzing in the back of her mind and immediately Rey jumped up. 

“Rey!?” Rose called for her as Rey’s eyes glanced around the room until she found him. Ben wasn’t paying attention to her, but he was there. He seemed to be leaning against a wall of his own, and he was in the middle of a conversation with someone else. Rose’s voice called for her again, “Rey?”

The tears kept falling as Rey started to steady her breath, “He’s… he’s-”

“He’s here now?” Rose looked around, but Rey knew her friend wouldn’t see anything, “What’s he doing?”

Rey took a long shaky sigh before she could speak next, “Ben?”

Ben glanced her way only momentarily, before turning back to whatever he was doing. She could feel a sense of anxiousness within him. The same kind of feeling he used to get when his parents would be fighting, _I can’t do this right now…_

“I can feel something is wrong… what’s going on?” Rey asked him as she came from around the coffee table. From Rose’s point of view, Rey was staring at a blank corner of her walls, not able to see the man Rey had her eyes on.

 _Stop trying to connect with me, Rey,_ His replied broke her even more, _I have nothing to offer you…_

“Stop trying to hide from me, Ben Solo!” Rey snapped. The sound of his _true_ name coming from her lips grabbing his attention as his head jerked back to face her, “You need help- I can feel it… let me help you!”

 _You- you can’t…_ With those last words, Ben cut the connection and the buzzing was gone.

Rey turned back to Rose, who looked troubled beyond all things, “When… when you said he was in trouble-”

Rey wiped the tears from her face, “He was bleeding the other night... At the bar,” She explained as she returned to the couch, “And when I got home that night, he came back and let me clean the wound.”

“He was bleeding!” Rose’s voice got loud with worry.

Rey nodded yes, “I think he had been shot.”

With Rey’s response, Rose jumped to her feet with her mind blown “I.. I don’t think I can help you go down this rabbit hole, Rey...”

“Rose! Please…”

“This Ben guy sounds like bad news! W-why do you want to be part of that?” Rose jumbled up her words as her thoughts moved too quick for her mouth to work with, “What does Finn think of this Ben thing?”

Rey’s heart dropped as her tone got serious, “Finn doesn’t know… nor does he need to.”

Rose sighed and went back to the couch and plopped back down, chugging her glass as she did so. She that there for a few moments in silence before Rose reached out for the laptop and started to search for something on google. 

“What are you doing?” Rey asked her with a slight hint of nervousness.

“Reluctantly, helping you,” Rose replied, stopping for a moment to look at Rey, “I don’t know how much of this story I believe, but that look on your face when you told me the story… and when you said he was here just now- that was a look of someone who really believed in something,” Rose huffed, her face softening, “And if finding him is what you really want, I’ll help you… but-”

Rey tilted her head slightly, “But?”

“But I’m going to need a harder drink than wine… and for you to get me a few slices from that pie,” Rose lips curled back into a smile as she looked back to the screen, “It’s probably going to be a long night.”

Rey became overwhelmed with relief, making her chuckle breathlessly, “Thank you, Rose.”

“Don’t thank me till we’ve got him,” Rose smirked as she started typing, “But when we **do** find him, fair warning, I’m kicking his ass for all the shit he’s put you through.”

The laugh that escaped Rey was a genuine one, “Deal.”


	6. Connect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is much longer than usual but it didn't make sense to cut things out. Also, this is our half way marker on not so dark things, my tags might start getting updated at the story goes on. Please lemme know if you're enjoying this !
> 
> TW: panic attack, drug use, reference to possible rape, minor character death and anxiety,

| Ben |

_ Ben is ten years old, sitting in the back seat of his mother’s car as she drives him to his Aunt Maz and Uncle Chewie’s house for the weekend. All he’s been told is that his mother was going on a business trip and he had to stay with his aunt and uncle until she had gotten back. When Ben asked why couldn’t his father watch him, his mother started to cry. He could feel a terrible aching in his chest, so many feelings boiling up inside him when a buzz in the air let him know he wasn’t alone anymore. Ben turned his head to his right to find Rey was right beside him. _

_ “You seem sad,” Rey told him. She looked rather pretty today… not that she wasn’t usually pretty. Rey was just- more dressed up than he was used to seeing. _

_ “I’m alright,” He whispered. Ben had noticed that his mother had taken to getting a touch frustrated when he talked to his ‘imaginary friend’. Ben didn’t like it when she referenced Rey in that way, “I’m going to my aunt and uncles.” _

_ Rey tilted her head at him, it reminded Ben of a puppy, “What for?”  _

_ “Don’t know,” In the reflection of his mother’s rearview mirror, he could see she was staring at him in a way that made him anxious. Ben wanted to get off topic and fast, “You look nice today,” He told Rey as he looked out his window, hoping his mom would stop staring. _

_ “I’m meeting a potential family today,” Rey smiled wide as she flattened out her pretty dress. _

_ Ben smiled at her words, “That’s great, Sunshine.” _

_ “I hope they keep me, this time,” Her words got Ben’s attention quick, his head turning fast enough to see Rey’s smile fade quick, “I’m tired of meeting people who don’t want me…” _

_ Ben reached his hand across the seat to find Rey’s and held it tight, “I know, Rey.” _

_ “I wish I could just live with you…” Rey squeezed his hand a little tighter as the words came out of her mouth, and her heartache just about broke Ben’s own in two. _

_ Ben bit his lip and turned his head back to his window, “You don’t want to live with me,” He glanced momentarily at his mother through her rearview mirror, only to find her staring back, “I promise.” With a crushed heart and a bitter face, Ben continued to stare out the window, holding on to Rey with a shaky hand the entire drive. _

  
  


* * *

  
  


_ Stop trying to hide from me, Ben Solo! _

  
  


The words had become engraved into his mind at that point. It had been a whole week since Ren had connected with Rey, and then the other day while he’s talking to some of his street crew she was back. He must have been on her mind, the same way Rey had been on his. Ren had stopped taking his pills after the had reconnected with Rey a week ago, and now he couldn't decide if that was the worst or best decision he had made in the last decade. Ren used to pop Xanax the way normal people ate tic tacs, but slowly the need for those things was going away. His mind was starting to clear and whenever Rey wasn't on his mind, the piece of shit who shot him was.

When he found that asshole, Ren was going to rip his head from his shoulder for what he had done.

"Good morning, shit heads," Phasma smirked as she slid into the car Ben and Hux were sitting in. In her hands was a tray with three coffees, and a rolled-up newspaper, "Where does the Supreme Leader have us going today?"

"Hell's Kitchen," Hux explained, his eyes rolling from her comment as he took his coffee from Phasma's hand, "Apparently, the driver from last week's drop fucks some drugged up bitch who lives down there pretty frequently... so we are going to pay her a visit."

Phasma handed Ren his coffee next, and then held out the paper, "You’re going to want to look at this."

Ren took the coffee, placing it down in the cup holder before going back for the rolled-up paper. Upon unrolling the paper to see the cover, Ren's chest started to ache, "Oh-"

The breaking news story of the day was his about his mother.

She was sick.

"Seems the Governor of New York won't get to run for President after all”, Phasma smirked as she held her coffee to her lips, "Not like she would've done any better in the White House than she did her in the city."

Ren felt a wave of dread come over him as he read the article to himself. His mother and New York's Governor Leia Organa had suffered from a heart attack while traveling from the countries capital back to the city. According to the paper, her personal assistant Kaydel Connix had been traveling with her and was able to call the attack before it happened. She was understood to be in stable condition now, but the paper wondered if she should step down as Governor to focus on her health.

Ren couldn't recall any fond memories of his mother anymore; they had all been shoved into a safe in the back of his mind, but the news broke his heart all the same.

"Good riddance," Hux snorted while drinking his coffee, "Hopefully this keeps the old bitch off our backs for now on. "

Phasma laughed, and Ren bit his tongue.

They had no idea that was his mother.

Only Snoke knew.

Which was quite honestly worse than either of these two knowing the truth.

Ren rolled the paper back up and passed it to Hux, being sure to hit him hard in the chest with it and the impact having him almost spit out his coffee, "Enough fucking around, we got work to do."

* * *

Ren, Hux, and Phasma knew they were in the right place by the number of  _ Empire _ tags posted in the area of Hell's Kitchen they parked in. He was grateful they picked a shitty car today instead of one of the manly classy First Order cars they had access to, otherwise, they could have been in deep shit the moment they turned down the block. They found the apartment building they've been looking for. It didn't surprise Ren that the main door was broken.

This was a very bad drug area. They didn't care about locks.

The trio made their way to the seventh floor, found apartment 7E and started to bang on the door. When there was no immediate reply, Phasma started to bang again.

"Enough! I'm coming!" A raspy voice from the other side yelled. After what sounded like four or five locks being undone, the door creaked open and on the other side was a mess of a woman. She looked like shit, a tattered shirt, and no pants, and Ren was almost positive she was high on something, "Who are you?"

"We are looking for a friend," Hux smirked, "An Empire trooper."

She had a bitter face as her eyes glossed the three of them over, "Ain't no Empire boys here."

"Well, I think," Phasma put a big hand on the door and pushed it wide open, making the woman stumbled back, "My buddies and I are going to stick around until he comes back. How does that sound?"

"Depends," She wasn't loyal, that much was obvious, "You guys holding?"

Ren pulled a little baggie of pills out from his pocket and waved it in the air, "It's your as long as you keep your damn mouth shut."

With a black toothed smile, the lady snatched the bag from Ren's fingers and moved out of the way to let them in.

They sat in silence in the woman's apartment, trying not to or be touched by anything. Ren stood against a wall while Hux sat in a chair and Phasma paced the apartment. She was too preoccupied trying to crush up the pills that Ren had given her.

After a loud snorting sound, he glanced over to see her get up and make her way over to him.

"So," She chuckled as she wobbled back and forth, "You have a lady?"

Ren gave her a dirty look before breaking eye contact, "No."

"I can suck your cock if you'd like," She smirked and immediately he felt the need to bathe himself in sanitizer, "I'll give you a discount since you gave me the stuff."

"No," Ren growled more annoyed than ever before. 

She shrugged and took two steps closer to Hux, "How about you, Gingy?"

"Touch me and I'll break every bone in your hand," Hux snapped as he gave the dirty woman an angry look, "Touch  _ him _ \- and you'll regret being ever being born."

She looked back to Ren and tried to examine him later, "Wait a minute, are you that Kyler Rex boy? It’s funny, I’ve heard dirty, dirty secrets about you from my  _ Empire _ friends," Her words made Ren's rage spike, "I was told the old man likes them pretty, but I didn't realize he likes co-"

Before she could say another word Ren grabbed the woman by the throat and slammed her against the wall. He lifted her in the air as he squeezed harder, the woman gasping for air.

"What the fuck, Ren!" Hux yelled as he stood from his chair.

"Ren let her go," Phasma told him as she stepped closer to him, "She isn't worth your time."

He didn't care. Ren held her as high against the wall as he could as his hand tightened more against her throat. At this rate, he could probably snap her neck if he wanted. Instead, Ren would never get that chance because a buzzing in his ear caused him to stop and Ren dropped the woman to the floor with a hard thud.

It was Rey.

She was trying to connect.

Ren wouldn't let her see him like this. He ran out of the room, Hux and Phasma calling his name but he didn't care. Instead, he headed to the nearest room, the bedroom he discovered once inside, and locked the door behind him. He was panting heavily as he leaned against the shut door, the noise of Phasma banging on the door and yelling for him to let her in nothing compared to the sound of sobbing that erupted in the room.

Rey was pacing back and forth, trying so desperately to control her relentless crying and sporadic breathing she had developed. Ren's initial reaction was that she was having a panic attack, but- no.

It was worse.

Rey wasn't just having a panic attack. She was having  _ his _ panic attack.

Ben rushed to Rey's side, who hadn't fully registered the fact that she had reached out to him in this moment of chaos.

"Rey," Ren's voice was soft and calm. he put both hands on her shoulders to stop her from moving, "Rey, I'm here just breathe."

He could feel her body shaking beneath his touch, and his own heart pounded at the same rhythm as hers, "I was... at my desk at work and- I just got so worked up..." She let out a sob and her lips started to tremble, "It's you.. the pain I'm feeling is you."

Ren wasn't sure if he started to cry with her, for her or because of her but regardless the tears rolled down his face rather effortlessly, "I'm so sorry," He tried to take deep breaths, hoping that by calming himself she would relax as well, "Don’t you understand? This is why I've wanted to keep you away."

"No, I don't," Rey did her best to copy his breathing and the shaking seemed to settle, "You're in so much pain, Ben, why don't you let me help you? You don't have to do things on your own... you never have."

Ren shook his head no, "Not this," Now it was him with the quivering lip, "The pain- everything I've done... you'd hate me."

Very slowly, Rey put her hands on his face. Her thumb rubbing against the scar on his face, "I could never hate you."

"Yes, you would," Ren took a deep breath to relax, "Because I know I d-" Ren was cut off by the sound of arguing followed by a gunshot. He could hear Hux and Phasma's voices starting to call out for him. Both sounding worried.

"I feel your anxiety, like when you were little..." Rey told him as she let his face go, "What's wrong?"

"My friends need me," Ren let Rey go and pulled out his gun and he could feel Rey's heart jump at the sight of it, "I'm sorry, Sunshine."

Rey smiled as she tried her best to repress the feeling they both had in the pits of their stomachs, "I haven't given up, Benny, I'm going to find you."

Ren couldn't help but smirk at the old childhood nickname, "We'll see."

The connection was cut as Ren opened the door to the rest of the apartment. What he found was the dead and bloody body of the drivers cracked out whore, and on the farthest side of the room from him, Empire's driver was holding Phasma hostage with a knife to her throat.

But Ren didn't hesitate. 

Without a second to waste he lifted his gun and shot The Driver in the dead center of his forehead, making the knife drop and Phasma scream.

"Holy fuck!" Phasma yelled as blood splattered on her face and the body that's once held her, fell to the floor like a rag doll. She looked at Ren and yelled furiously, "Have you lost your bloody mind!?

"You're welcome," Ren yelled back, turning his attention to Hux, "What the fuck happened?"

Hux turned around and Ren could see his face was just as red as his hair, "What happened? While you were in the room having a fucking bloody crisis, this crack bitch tried to stab me with a knife, and her Empire fuck buddy tried to kill Phas! What the shit is going on with you!"

"Are you off your pills?" Phasma asked as she got in Ren's face. He couldn't hide his feelings and that only made things worse, "You are, aren't you? Are you mad?!"

Ben didn't say a word. He was stunned.

Hux sighed heavy and took a step towards Ren, "You do know we have to tell him, right?"

Ren shot a glare at Hux, "No you don't."

"Your bloody attacks almost got us killed!" Hux yelled, "And Supreme Leader said-"

"Fuck the Supreme Leader!" Ren snapped, making both Hux and Phasma back away from him, "No one is telling him what happened here! Do you understand?!"

"Ren, if he finds out we didn't tell him," Phasma had a sense of fear in her voice, he could hear it, "He'll kill us… all of us."

"That's why no one is going to say anything to anyone," Ren looked at Phasma and then to Hux, "Do you understand?"

Hux made a face like he was ready to yell at Ren again, but stopped himself, "You want us to hide your secrets? Then I think it's time you tell us what the hell is really going on with you."

Ren was ready to say no, but then he bit his lip. He couldn't protect Rey from what was going on with him alone. He needed help, "Fine," Ren sighed, "But you're not going to like it."


	7. Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: depression and thoughts of suicide

| Rey |

_Rey is a little over ten years old. It's been a week since she's last seen Ben, and she's getting worried. Last time they talked, he was on his way to his aunt and uncle's for the weekend, but she didn't hear from him the entire time he was there. She tried to call for him, but he didn't reply. It wasn't like him to not reply, but Rey knew his mom didn't understand their connection._

_Still, Rey missed him like crazy._

_There is so much she wants to tell Ben about her new foster family: the Plutts. The wife, Niima, seem very nice while the husband, Unkar, was kind of one the quiet side. They had told her they always wanted a child but couldn't have one so that's why they decided to foster. Rey prayed every night they were the family who stuck._

_All Rey wanted was for someone to call her family._

_One morning while Rey was reading alone on the floor of her bed, she could hear the buzz. There was a soft sniffling sound in the air, and the moment she recognized it as crying she could feel a hint of sadness in her chest, "Benny?" Rey jumped to her feet and turned around to find Ben hiding under the sheets, "Ben, what's wrong?"_

_"Go away, Rey," His voice called out between the tears. Rey was taken aback, he had never pushed her away before today._

_Instead of listening, Rey crawled onto the bed and went under the sheets to look for him. When he saw Rey's face, Ben rolled over to face away from her, "You're not alone, Benny, lemme help you."_

_"You can't help me," He mumbled as he held his body tight, "You won't understand..."_

_Rey smiled sweetly, "Of course I will I'm your-"_

_"No, you won't!" Ben snapped jumped up from where he was, the blankets flying off him as he moved, "How could you understand, you don't even have parents-" He clasped his mouth closed a moment too late, the words already coming out. Her eyes started watering the moment she heard his words, and her heart seemed broken, "Rey... I- I didn't mean it-"_

_"Leave me alone," Rey whimpered as her lip trembled. She could see him reaching out for her and she jerked away, "I don't want you here! Go away!"_

_Ben bit his lip, holding back tears as he vanished. Leaving Rey alone to cry in the bed. She pulled the blankets back over her as she sobs, hearing heavy footsteps walking towards her room. For moment Rey tries to muffle her tears, not wanting to scare her potential parents away. She assumed it was Unkar, by how heavy he walked, and hoped he would stop by to check up on her and be fatherly. To her surprise, he did stop, but after a few moments, he walked away._

_The abandonment making her cry even worse._

* * *

  
  
_"Don’t you understand? This is why I've wanted to keep you away."_

No. Rey **didn’t** understand. She had some haunting memories of her and Ben yelling at each other at the end of their childhood return to her after her interaction with him in the girl’s restroom and spent the rest of her workday with puffy eyes, sitting at her desk while all her coworkers wondered what was wrong with her. At least, that what she assumed they were wondering. The moment the clock read 5 pm she gathered her things and headed back home.

She was doing more research tonight with Rose, and couldn’t wait to get her mind off her shitty day.

As Rey walked through her front she sent Rose a text letting her know she's home and threw her keys on the counter. She lifted her head to move for the couch when she suddenly realized Finn is in her apartment.

"Bloody hell," Rey yelled as she held her hand to her chest, "You scared the daylight out of me, what are you doing here?"

"Checking on you, you've been distant," Finn explained with a stone-cold face and one hand behind his back, "You wanna tell me what's been going on?"

Rey raised an eyebrow, "I'm sorry, I don't follow."

From behind his back, Finn pulled out the notebook she had with all her notes on Ben and waved it in the air, "Are you fucking kidding me with this? Almost dying once for this imaginary heathen wasn't enough?”

Rey could feel the anger and betrayal mixing up inside her, "He **is** real, Finn and I'm so close to finding him-"

“No! He's not! Fucksakes, Peanut, how many times do we have to go over this? How many doctors and psychiatrists do we need to see until you believe that this asshole doesn't exist?" Finn looked at the notes and started to read off his name, "Ben Solo the American, huh? So you telling this imaginary man 'Ben Solo' is worth your fucking life?"

"You don't understand!" Rey snapped as she stepped forward, "My entire childhood people pretended like they knew what had happened to me… what I went through! Everyone around me thinks they know who I am, but they don't!"

"Oh, and he does?" Finn waved the book again, "You are regressing, Rey! This person you're looking for doesn't exist!"

"Get the hell out of my apartment!' Rey screamed as she pointed to the door, "I am tired of you coming in here and treating me like I'm a fucking porcelain doll!'

"Then stop trying to break yourself all the damn time!" Finn choked on the last few words as they slipped out. At his wit’s end, he slammed the book down to the floor as hard as he could and started to leave. Stopping at the door to turn back and say one last thing, "Next time you try to kill yourself, don't call me. Call your little friend." The door slammed and Finn was gone.

Rey collapsed to the floor, heaving, and sobbing as she rocked back and forth, holding her head as she did so. It was so bad she thought she would strangle herself with the tears and lose her ability to breathe. His words came from a dark place and sent her entire heart spiraling. 

There was an emptiness. A hole in her heart that beckoned her to let the darkness free. Her mind started to fill with thoughts all too familiar.

**You come from nothing.**

**You're nothing.**

**You're not deserving of a family.**

**That's why they left you…**

**_That's why Ben cut you out._ **

Rey's head shot up. The darkness continued to call for her, belittling her every being and laughing as he wept. She wanted to scream and yell for it to stop but all she could do was cry. The words that she wanted to say getting stuck in her throat. 

Rey wanted silence.

She wanted it to end. 

In a haze of pain and sorrow she found herself in the kitchen, staring at the knife block. The thought passed her mind, lingering for a few moments while she contemplated picking it up. Just as she reached her hand out to touch it, Rey tried only once in a desperate attempt to call for help:

"Ben."

Rey closed her eyes and waited a minute or two, hoping and praying for strength. She needed a lifeline. Anything. Anyone to pull her out.

"What are you doing?" 

Her hand stopped dead in its tracks just as her fingers touched the handle of the knife. Slowly, her head turned and standing only inches from her, was Ben.

She knew he could see it. They could always see things the other could touch.

Without a word, Ben reached out and removed her hand from the knife. The moment they let go, Rey collapsed to the floor once again. As her body hit the kitchen tiles she started to cry hysterically, but this time Ben was there to pull her in close.

"I know, Sunshine, I know," Ben whispered into her hair as he rocked her body, trying hard to soothe her pain. Rey was well aware of the side effects of the connection. She knew she could have dragged him down into that terrible darkness, and he could feel all the pain she felt.

"I called for you, so many times," Rey cried into his shirt as she held him tight, "So many nights trying to connect and you never came!"

"I fucked up, Rey," She could hear Ben's voice cracking as he spoke, "I was just a stupid child-"

"You said you would come any time I called," Rey broke free from his arms to look Ben in his eyes, "You said you were made for me… my soulmate…"

If he wasn't in tears before, Ben was definitely in tears now, "You don't want me to be your soulmate, Rey, I'll do nothing but break your heart and disappoint you."

Rey shook her head no, "That's not true."

"I will never stop caring about you, till the day I die you will mean everything to me," Ben lifted his hand to her face and wiped away some of the tears, "But this connection is going to be the death of you. I won't be the one you drives you to your grave."

"I'm tired of people trying to make my choices for me!" Rey snapped back, a tight grip on Ben's shirt, "I'm tired of people telling me you’re not real! You are the most real thing I've ever had to a family..."

Ben sighed pulling Rey's head forward to rest her forehead against his. She tried to align her breathing with his, using his presence to bring her back down from the cliff she was ready to throw herself from.

The tears ran silently down her cheeks as she shuffled her body closer to his, "Why can't you let me in, Ben?"

"I'm tired of hurting you," He replied almost instantly.

"Then let me in," Rey's eyes opened, "Give me the chance to take care of you."

When Ben opened his eyes, there was this warm feeling in her chest and wasn't sure whether he was causing it or she did but regardless it was very familiar. Like butterflies trying to free themselves from her stomach. Rey knew what this feeling was. She felt it all her life.

"Ben I-" Before she could finish her sentence there was a knock on the door that pulled her attention away.

"Rey! Are you okay? I tried calling like four times!" The voice was Rose. Rey had forgotten for a moment that she had told her to come over.

When she turned back to finish her sentence, Ben was gone. He had left her again, but this time she didn't feel as alone as she did before.

Rey rose from the floor to let her friend in, wiping her face clean before opening the door, "I'm sorry I just-"

"Were you crying? What happened!" Rose walked into the apartment and put her things down before going back to hug Rey.

"I'm okay now, it was just… I had a really hard day," Rey welcomed the hug with a smile. Usually, she wouldn't want to feel like she was being baby'd, but she knows Rose's love comes from a good place.

"Well I think I got just the thing to make you feel better,” Rose ran to her laptop bag and pulled out a piece of paper. With a big smile on her face, she turned around and handed it to Rey, “Go ahead.”

Rey took the paper and flipped it over and her heart skipped. It was an old new article about former New York City mayor, now Governor, Leia Organa-Solo and her family. Her war hero husband Han stood to her right and between the both of them their only son: Ben Solo.

Rey teared up again, this time happy tears, “Rose, you did it- you found him!” Rey started to laugh, she couldn’t believe it. She had half the nerve to send a picture to Finn to rub it in his face but the thought of talking to him right now made her sick. Regardless, Rose had found him. 

Ben Solo **was** real. 


	8. Honesty

| Ben |

_A weekend at his Aunt and Uncle's turned to a whole month away from his parents. His mother would call almost every day, his father never called at all. Every time he would ask his Uncle Chewie what was going on he would try to change the subject, or Aunt Maz would interrupt them. Until one day his mother came by and told Ben the bad news._

_His parents were getting a divorce._

_Ben didn't understand. Was it something he did? What would happen to his family? Would he be forced to pick one parent over the other and never see them again? Ben started to spiral._

_Rey was right, his parents were_ **_not_ ** _soulmates._

_For the next two years, Ben Solo started to change to an angry, quiet and bitter kid. He and his mom moved into a new place away from his father. His parents were never in the same place at once anymore, and his father would only visit him for a few hours, and that was only every other weekend. To make everything worse he barely connected with Rey anymore, and when they did neither of them would talk. She would go to say something and stop, usually cutting the connection with tears in her eyes. Ben always meant to apologize for what he said two years before but now he just felt that everything he did was wrong. So what was the point?_

_"So is this it?" Rey asked him one day. She looked tired, and could feel this unhappy feeling in her gut that only doubled in pain with how he had been lately, "Are we not friends anymore?"_

_Ben refused to look at her. He didn't wanna see the moment he broke her heart, "I don't know what you want from me, I’m not that kid anymore..."_

_"I want you to tell me the last 8 years of friendship means nothing to you," Rey snapped. He had never known her to be so angry. Maybe that was his fault too, everything these days felt like they were his fault, "That you wish we were never connected!"_

_They were feeding off each other’s emotions; her anger only making his worse and his pain just as bad, and Ben finally turned to argue back, "What do you want from me?! I didn't ask for you to be stuck in my head! I just want you to leave me alone!"_

_Rey's face immediately flipped from angry to hurt, "Well if all I do is bother you I'll leave! You'll never hear me call for you again!"_

_"Fine!" Ben snapped. He didn't mean it, truly he didn't, but he was so angry and it was too late now to tell her it wasn't her fault._

_The tears started to roll down her face and Ben felt absolutely horrible, but it was her last words to him that would make him feel like a monster for the first time, "I hate you, you jerk, stay away from me!"_

_That would be the last time he connected with Rey for the rest of his childhood. Ben hated himself for how he acted and would continue to do so long through his adulthood._

_She was his best friend, and he treated her like she was nothing even though she wasn't._

_Not to him._

* * *

  
  
“Jesus Christ,” Phasma sat back on Ben’s couch, her fingers fiddling with the beer bottle in her hand.

“Yeah, but that’s true,” Ren had told them everything. His entire childhood spilled out to two of the only people he still trusted in this world (other than Rey). He told them about the connection, and how they fell apart. He even told them about his parents, “That’s my story. The anxiety attacks, the mood swings… everything I am... stems from that connection.”

“Jesus, Ren, between the girl and- and you mom,” Hux took a deep breath. Ren had never seen his two companions so… so human, “We- fuck… I’m sorry about your mother,” Hux wiped his face with his hand, “We’ve said a lot of shit about the Governor over the last 16 years..."

"You didn't know, Hux," Ren looked between Hux and Phasma, "Neither of you did."

"So... Ben Solo, huh?" Phasma's face grew a touch dark, "Does- does he...?"

"Yeah," Ren sighed heavy and he took another sip from his beer, "Snoke knows. He always had... probably why he's so... _interested_ in me."

"Fucking Snoke, mate," Hux gritted through his teeth, "I am tired of trying to please that fucking tyrant!"

"If it wasn't Snoke, we'd be under the heel of The Emperor, and I'm not sure if that's any better," Phasma explained.

"I could of fucking been someone," Hux told them as disappointment came over his face, "We all could of... but instead that sick fuck took advantage of lost children and now look at us."

"Monsters," Ren answered, "He made us monsters."

There was a moment of silence between the three of them. Ren knew the other two had a similar story to his. They were all runaways trying to escape shitty childhoods only to end up stuck in the grasp of a man who would poison whatever good was left in them.

"We could kill him," Phasma said breaking the silence.

Ren scoffed, "We can't kill him."

"Why not?" Hux asked as he sat up in his seat, "She's right, we should kill him."

"If we kill Snoke who's going to stop those Empire thugs from moving into our territories and killing us?" Ren tried to be logical, but also he knew his fear of Snoke would outweigh any logic.

"We kill the Emperor, too," Hux was smirking now, feeling rather cocky about his ideas, "Think about it? Bring the whole order down. Those two fucking bastards deserve to die anyway. We'll be doing the world a service."

"For once, I agree with Hux," Phasma joined in, "We deserve our lives back, Ren."

He hated to admit it, but they were right. He's always been so concerned about hurting Rey and protecting her, but what he hadn't realized was by staying in Snoke's clutches and letting that monster run his life he was only continuing to do the one thing he swore not to do. 

He wanted his freedom. He wanted out.

"It's Ben," He smirked correcting her, "Ben Solo."

"Gwen," Phasma said, revealing her true name, "Gwen Pasmore."

They both looked at Hux, who side, "Domhnall Armitage," He chuckled to himself as he said the name out loud, "God that sounds weird say."

"I just can't believe your name is _actually_ Armitage," Gwen laughed as she held the beer to her lips. 

Ben chuckled as well, "I gotta say Hux is a lot better than Domhnall."

"Oh, fuck you, Solo," Dom groaned and the other two laughed.

* * *

  
Later that day, once Hux and Phas- actually, no. Once _Dom and Gwen_ had left his apartment he finally got a moment to breathe. Ben would half to get used to calling them by their true names, just like he needed to get used to hearing his.

_"Ben."_

Rey's voice was like a whisper in the wind. She called to him in her darkest hour, when her inner demons were breaking down her better judgment and making it hard to think. He saw the knife in her hand and knew what was happening.

Rey had caved once. Ben would never let it happen again.

It didn't take him very long to talk her out of it. All she really needed was the insurance that someone on out there needed her. Ben would always be that someone.

Then there was _that_ moment. Their faces were so close it felt like every breath she took it took his away. He wanted to do so much at that moment. To tell her he was sorry for everything he had done to her. Everything he had let happen by abandoning her for so long.

Ben wanted her to know the truth.

_"Ben, I-"_

The connection was cut before she could finish, but he knew what she wanted to say because it was the same thing he's wanted to tell her his entire life.

The words were just stuck on the tip of his tongue.

He wondered if he was even _worthy_ of someone like her. Rey used to be so pure and sweet. She was full of life and had a smile that would shine a light on any darkness lingering over him. She was Ben's whole world in a petite body and light brown eyes, but when they needed each other the most Ben walked away. He would half to spend the rest of his life begging for her forgiveness.

And, _fuck_ , did he want to.

There was a ping from his burner phone and he dug into his pocket to see what was wrong. He had two phones. One personal, and one for the gang. He knew when the burner rang it wasn't usually anything good. 

When he flipped the old phone open he saw the text and sighed.

**Last rat found. Darkside Nightclub. Friday 9 pm. Enric Pryde.**

Ben didn't want to kill anyone else for Snoke, but Pryde needed to die. Otherwise, he will never get the chance to kill Snoke himself. He would do whatever he had to get free. To rid himself of Snoke's grasp and redeem himself of the shit he's had to do. Hopefully, that would be enough.

Hopefully, after everything was said and done, Rey would still want him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave Hux & Phasma real names, just because it made sense to. From now on Ben will reference them as such so if you get confuse:
> 
> Dom/Domhnall is Hux 
> 
> Gwen is Phasma
> 
> ALSOOOOOO: If you are worried I kinda made Han and Leia shitty parents, which hey in Ben's eyes they kinda were, the flash back bits in the beginning are through the eyes of children. So yeah, Ben thinks he parents fucking sucked lol


	9. Defective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: child abuse (read with caution)

| Rey |

_ It took many years for Rey to forget what happened when she was twelve years old. She used to reference said day as 'The Disconnecting' because it was the last time she would see Ben for the rest of her childhood. Rey didn't want their friendship to end but they had both been so angry that day. Between his feels and hers, the entirety of both sets of emotions bundled up was enough to make both kids snap. They said awful things to each other. _

_ She told Ben she hated him. _

_ That wasn't true. _

_ The only person in the world Rey could never hate was Ben. _

_ Rey spent the rest of the day crying in bed. Her foster mother came to ask what was wrong, but Rey didn't know how to tell her she lost her best friend. She ended up skipping dinner that night, never falling asleep and crying the entire time. _

_ Until the sound of someone screaming made her stop. The arguing was faint, but definitely coming from within the house. Rey got out of bed to investigate what was going on and found herself outside her foster parents’ bedroom. Upon getting a closer look, her heart dropped when she heard what the fight was about. _

_ "She's going back! End of story!" _

_ "Unkar, please! She needs us, we can show her how to be better!" _

_ "No you stupid bitch, we are not keeping that  _ **_defective_ ** _ child!" _

_ His words cut like a knife. Was she really defective? Was that why families wouldn't keep her? _

_ Why Ben cut her out? _

_ Rey started to cry again, covering her mouth in hopes of not being heard but it didn't matter. Regardless of her trying, Unkar heard her and he was furious. _

_ The bedroom door swung open with a bang, and Rey found the large man towering over her with fire in his eyes. She had never seen someone who looked so angry before. Without a doubt in her mind, he scared her. More than anything in the world. "What the fuck are you crying about, you little shit?" Unkar yelled at the top of his lungs. Rey couldn't move or speak, hell, she could barely breathe, "I said what the fuck are you crying about!" He screamed again.  _

_ In a moment of fear, Rey pissed herself, the yellow liquid dripping out of her shorts and down her leg. _

_ "Are you fucking-!?" _

_ The only way twelve-year-old Rey could describe what happened next was being engulfed by a large shadow. A large hand came flying from the air and smacked her clear across the face, the impact hitting so hard it made the young girl see stars. _

_ Rey dropped to the floor and could hear Niima screaming at him to stop, but he didn't. He turned to hit his own wife, making her cower in fear and then redirected his direction to Rey, "You want a reason to cry? I'll give you a fucking reason-" He kicked Rey hard in the stomach and she count feel something crack, blood spurting out of her mouth as she cried so hard she couldn't breathe. The last thing she could remember seeing clearly was Unkar lifting her off the ground before he started to repeatedly hit her, her vision becoming hazy with every collision. She could also remember the screaming in the background, Niima begging her husband to leave the child alone but he wouldn't. Not until Rey was near death did he drop her to the ground and redirect his fury to his wife. _

_ She could remember the sounds of her screaming as he punched her and the noise stays with her for the rest of her life. The last thing Rey remembered from that night was her own voice. Calling for the one person she told herself she would call for anymore. _

_ "Ben?" Her voice was raspy and speaking was painful but it didn't matter. She wanted him there. She needed him there, "Ben? Be-" she was sobbing through the pain, but it didn't stop her from calling him, "Ben!? Benny?!" _

_ The police came that night, arresting Unkar and rushing Niima and herself to the hospital. She was told later a neighbor reported the screaming, and it wasn't until she was sixteen that she'd be given the full report so she knew what happened. Apparently she cried Ben's name all night until they sedated her. She wondered if he heard her calling... not that it mattered. _

_ All Rey knew was that he never came. _

_ And she would never call him again. _

* * *

  
  
Rey woke up a sweaty mess, panting and heaving as she tried to calm herself. It had been many years since she had dreamt about ' _ The Disconnecting' _ . She was good about keeping that memory in the back of her mind in a box she labeled ' _ worse day ever, please don't open _ ', but ever since her and Ben reopened their connection all the old memories of her childhood came rushing back. Not all of them were bad, but this one was one of the worst. Her innocence was lost that day, as well as Rey's desire to become part of a family.

Rey checked her phone only to find it was just after 3 am. If it wasn't so late, she would call Rose and unfortunately she still felt betrayed by Finn's actions to call him. So Rey got out of bed, and went to her living room to try to relax. She walked over to one of her windows and opened it as wide as she could. It was a chilly night but after all the sweating she just did in her sleep Rey didn't mind. She sat on the windowsill and stared out at the city before her. London was all she ever knew. She had lived all over this town thanks to her ability to be constantly juggled by foster homes. Now all she wanted was to get out.

There was a buzz in the air and she smiled. Ben was back.

"That doesn't look like a smart place to sit," She looked back to find him smiling at her. He was also in his night clothes: a baggy black sweater and black slacks.

Rey smiled back at him, happy that he returned on his own, "I sit here all the time, it's no big deal."

Ben walked over to the window, leaning against the wall right to her side, "I never asked... where are you from? Or rather, where are you now?"

"London," Rey's replied as she looked out the window. It was raining out, go figure, but she never mind the rain. The sound of it falling brought her peace, "Are you still in New York?"

Ben chuckled, "So I guess you did find me."

"I didn't," Rey turned back to face him again, "My friend did. Her name is Rose, we were roommates in college."

"You told her about us?" Ben raised an eyebrow, "And?"

"At first, I think she was just doing it to be a good friend," Rey snickered to herself as she hugged her legs closer to her body, "Not until she found proof and she realized you were real, not just someone I made up."

Ben smirked as his words came out, "I don't think I could make up an imaginary friend as good as you were."

"If could of made you up, I would've made you a lot nicer," Rey's response got a breathless chuckle out of Ben.

"I was a shitty kid," Ben smile softed as he stuck his hand is his pockets, "Especially at the end."

"It didn't help that I was just as bad," Rey replied, getting off the window still to stand closer to him, "Or that our emotions doubled up on each other when one of us are feeling really bad."

"Still, the shit I said to you Rey," She could feel Ben's regret resurfacing. It was a strong emotion, "The shit about not having parents, and wishing we weren't connected... I didn't mean any of it."

"I know," Rey got a little teary eyed, but still smiled through it, "And I hope you know I never meant it when I told you I hated you."

"It didn't matter, I hated myself enough for the two of us," Ben turned his body to better face Rey, "I put all the hate and resentment I had for my parents after their divorce on you when it wasn't your fault. I pushed you away instead of holding you close and almost lost you because of that."

Rey bit her lip. Thinking about that day again, she just had to ask, "Did you hear me calling that night?"

Ben looked away and crossed his arms, "Yes."

"Did you.. know what happened?" Rey could feel herself shaking. It was the first time she had ever talked about that day out loud since she was a child.

Ben nodded, exhaling heavily, "I, uh, I woke up that night in a lot of pain and I knew something was wrong," Ben turned to face Rey, and she saw the tears in his eyes, "I connected with you right as you were being sedated, and saw everything," He blinked once and the tears came falling down his face, "I had my first anxiety attack that night, and once I was on the pills... I couldn't connect no matter how hard I tried."

"Pills? You've been on pills since you were twelve as well?" It clicked in her head and suddenly everything made sense, "Do you think you being on your meds and me being on mine block our connections?"

"It's possible," Ben wiped the tears from his face, "It explains why I couldn't connect."

"Me neither," Rey took another step closer until she was basically a hair away from his body, "I really did try to reach out for you. I never meant to leave you alone."

"Neither did I, Sunshine," Ben cleared his throat and straightened his body out. Rey could feel something strange about him. Was he... nervous? Or was something else there, "Rey- I never said this as a kid, and really I should've said it sooner," She watched as his shaky hand lifted up and slipped behind her neck. His thumb rubbing right under her jawline, "Rey I-"

Before she could risk the connection being cut off again, Rey grabbed him by the face and kissed him as hard as she could. It took Ben a second to realize what was happening, but the second he did his free hand wrapped around her back and this other tilted her head back to deepen the kiss. When he finally let her go to catch his breath, Rey could see tears running down his face.

"Benny? What's wrong?" Rey's hands shifted down to his neck, holding him close to her.

Ben sniffled his tears back and smiled, "I love you, Rey,  _ fuck _ \- I love you so much," Ben pulled her head back closer, resting Rey's forehead against his, "I'm so sorry it took me so damn long to say it."

"If you love me so much, tell me where you are," Rey was still determined to get his location out of him. Getting Ben out of whatever bad situation he was in was her top priority, "Let me help you, please," Rey held on to his body a little tighter, scared that the connection would break at any moment, "I can't lose you again."

Ben took a second before he spoke. He was still fearful, she could feel it, but he broke through that fear to tell her what she needed to hear, "I have an apartment in New York, on the lower East Side. It used to be my dad's…"

"Let me come to you," Rey begged, "I want to be with you. Really with you."

"I don’t think that’s a good idea right now," Ben sighed, "It's not safe here now."

"Exactly why I'm coming," Rey kissed him one more time, "Wait for me, Benny.'

"I’ll try, Sunshine-"

He was gone before he could finish his sentence, but that didn't matter anymore. Rey had a name and a location, and now she could sleep knowing that Ben Solo was real.

Soon she would find him.


	10. Rebel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: childhood depression/anxiety

| Ben |

_Ben ties the events of his last connection with Rey at twelve at the end of his childhood. He remembers that night well, no matter how hard he tried to scrub it from his memory._

_Ben had woken up in the middle of the night screaming and yelling in pain. At first, he thought something had happened to him while he was sleeping but after a moment it two, it was clear the pain was not his own. Ben rolled out of bed the best he could as he cried, feeling like he had been kicked repeatedly in the stomach. The sound of his yelling had woken up his mother and seconds later she rushed into his bedroom to find her son, on his knees in pain. He could hear her voice asking him what was wrong as she tried to help him up, but he wasn't concentrating on her._

_His mother was the least of his worries._

_Ben's eyes were back in his bed, where Rey was sprawled out across his sheets. He could see the blood and bruises that covered her body, her face completely black and blue with dry blood all over the corner of her mouth. There was a needle an IV in her arm that led up to a little white bag filled with clear liquids. Her clothes were also a mess, and he could smell the faintest scent of piss in the air._

_"Rey?" His soft voice cracked, when she didn't reply, he took a step closer, "Rey? Rey, what's wrong?" He could feel his mother's hands pulling him back, but he pulled away, "Rey!? Let me go! She's hurt!!_ **_Rey_ ** _!!" He was sobbing as his mom pulled him back away from the bed, but the damage was done. The image of a bloody and beaten twelve-year-old Rey would be embedded in his brain for the rest of his life._

_Would she be okay? Was she dead?_

_He would never get the chance to find out._

_"Ben! Benjamin Organa Solo, enough!" His mother turned Ben around to face him, shaking his body as she yelled at him, "No one is there, Ben! It's all in your head!"_

_"No! She's real," Ben sobbed as he wiped his tears away, "She's hurt, mom, and she needs me-"_

_"No, she's not hunny. She's just in your head, enough is enough," His mom was tearing up now, and Ben couldn't understand why "You need to stop, Ben. No one is here but me."_

_Ben turned around to look at the bed but the connection was cut, and Rey was gone. He fell to the floor sobbing, knowing he probably wouldn't connect with her again._

_The next day, his mother made him an appointment with a psychiatrist. By the end of the week, Ben had started almost daily therapy sessions and by the end of the month, he was taking medicine for panic attacks and depression._

_But Ben wasn't depressed, no, he was_ **_furious_ ** _._

_Furious at the doctors, and therapists and psychiatrists who would spend the next three years of his life trying to convince him that Rey wasn't real. He had told them everything, and no one believed him. Not one person, not even his mother would believe him; and forget his about his father._

_Ben barely even spoke to his father._

_He talked to his dad the least; being that he was away on duty, and was probably angry at him the most. By the time Ben was fourteen, he wanted nothing to do with his deadbeat dad anymore. Ben grew up into a bitter, distrusting and rebellious teenager. Tall, lanky and full of hate, Ben was bullied at school and despised being home. He started abusing his pills, taking more at a time then he should and picked up smoking from some friends._

_Then, when Ben Solo was fourteen years old, he ran away from home._

_At fourteen years old, he found the First Order. An NYC gang ran by a terrifying man named Snoke who liked calling himself Supreme Leader. From that point on, Ben Solo was dead and Kylo Ren had been born._

* * *

  
  


After Ben had disconnected from Rey for the night, the first thing Ben did was flush his pills down the toilet. Never again would he take or do anything that could block his connection again, he wouldn't risk losing her again. Rey was all she could think of for the rest of the night. That kiss, god damn, that kiss had him on cloud nine. He was so full of energy and life, and that was only from a kiss through the connection. 

Ben wanted to know how good she tasted when she was with him. 

Unable to sleep, Ben cleaned his entire apartment from head to toe. In under two hours, it when from looking like a frat boys party house to being ready for an open house. Still full of energy after all the cleaning, Ben spent the rest of the night, until the sun began to rise, to think of a plan to get rid of both The Empire and The First Order for good.

Proud of his plan, Ben picked up his personal phone and called Gwen.

"Do you know how early it is?" She groaned on the other line.

"I figured it out", he smiled as he stared at the notebook in front of him, "I know how we are going to kill them.

* * *

As Domhnall finished reading the four pages of notes Ben had made, he put the notebook into his lap and wiped his face with a hand. He took a moment to process everything he had read as Ben and Gwen waited patiently for his reaction.

Dom finally scoffed, "I hate to say it but... this- this could work."

"Are you kidding me!?" Gwen sat forward on the couch, "That entire plan is suicide."

"Stupid, yes, but suicide... no. I think we can pull it off," Dom picked the notebook up and handed it back to Ben, "You do realize you want to get kidnapped by The Empire.. right? That is what your saying, isn't it?"

"We need to give Snoke a reason to want to kill the Emperor," Ben explained as he took the notebook back, "And what better reason then, uh... you know, me?"

"Don't you remember Snoke's promise? If the Emperor so much as gives you a paper cut, me and Dom are dead!" Gwen argued, "What makes you think he's not going to last out on us while you’re gone?"

"Because you two are going to fake your deaths," Ben replied calmly and Gwen groaned in frustration.

"Oh yeah let me just throw myself off the GWB and live!" She snapped.

Dom snickered as he drank his coffee, "Actually, the Brooklyn Bridge would be more-"

"Oh shut up! The point is we can't fake our deaths!" Gwen jumped up and started to pace. She was always the more rational one of the trio, and when she didn't like an idea thought of by the boys she was sure to make it known, "Where would we go? Those two own the whole bloody city, if anyone sees us we are actually dead!"

"My grandmother had a summer home in Jersey, by the shore. It belongs to my mom now," Ben explained as he watched Gwen pace, "Being that it's October, no one will be down there this time of the year. "

"How do we get in?" Dom asked as he put his coffee down.

"I have a key, it was in my dad's things..." Ben sighed as his parents flashed through his mind, "I've gone down a couple of times in the last few changes years, my mother never bothered to change the locks."

"Your both forgetting the part about us FAKING OUR OWN DEATHS!" Gwen yelled.

Ben smirked as he reached out to grab his coffee, "Don't worry, I got a plan for that too." His smile faded as he heard the buzz, his hand stopping before he could grab the cup. Rey didn't usually connect during the day, but there she was.. pacing the living room not far from where Gwen was standing. 

Gwen could see Ben staring, "What is it?"

"Rey," Ben rose from his seat, "What's wrong?"

Rey stopped her pacing and turned to face Ben, her phone in her hands, "I bought a ticket."

"What?" Ben replied a touch harsher then he meant to be, "To where?"

"New York. I'm coming to see you," Rey responded with confidence.

"Is it her?" Dom smirked, leaning forward in his seat, "Is she...?"

Ben looked back and forth between his friends and then to Rey, "Yeah, it's her."

"Do you have company? They know about us?" Rey questioned. 

Ben smirked and nodded yes. It was definitely a weird feeling to be talking to someone he knew others couldn't see while actually in front of people. "Yeah… they do."

"Here,” Rey walked over to Ben and handed him her phone, “Give me your number." 

Very slowly, Ben took the phone from Rey's hand and entered his number into her phone. When he handed it back, Rey cut the connection and Ben sighed.

"Is she gone?" Gwen asked, noticing the shift in his face. A second later, the phone rang, and a number that clearly wasn't American popped up on the screen. Upon hearing the phone vibrate, Gwen rushed over to Ben's side and Dom switched seats so that he was sitting closer to Ben.

Dom hit Ben in the shoulder when he didn't immediately reach for the cell. His two partners enjoying this way more than he expected, "Go one, mate, pick up the phone!"

Ben took a deep breath and reached out for his phone, answering it as he placed it against his ear, "Hey."

"Hi," Rey's voice answered on the other side. The sound voice over the phone making his heart jump, "Why haven't we thought of this before?"

Ben chuckled, "I have no idea."

"What are you waiting for,' Gwen smacked Ben's arm next, "Put her on speaker dammit!"

Ben rolled his eyes, "My.. my friends want me to put you on speaker. I guess they want to hear I wasn't making you up."

He could hear Rey giggle and it just about melted him into a puddle, "Alright."

Ben put the phone on speaker and then held it out for the other's to hear, "Go ahead, Rey."

"Hello." Her voice called out through his phone.

"Holy shit, you're linked to a Brit!?" Gwen blurted out upon hearing Rey's voice, causing Rey to laugh on the other line.

"Yes, unfortunately, he is." Rey replied with a chuckle, "I see he's quite fond of them."

"Oh, Europeans are his favorites for sure," Dom smiled at Ben as he replied to Rey, Ben dying a bit inside as the three people in his life ganged up on him.

"Well I look forward to seeing you all when I come to visit," Rey's response had both Dom and Gwen shooting looks at Ben, Gwen even mouthing _are you fucking kidding me_ at Ben.

Ben pinched the space between his eyebrows and sighed lightly, "I don't think visiting right now is a good idea, Sunshine." Upon hearing the nickname, Gwen and Dom perked up. Gwen smirking and Dom covering his mouth to muffle his laughter.

"That's why I'm coming," Rey sighed, and he could feel her frustration through the phone, "Whatever is going on with you, I'll help you... You have to let me help you, Ben."

Ben looked back and forth between his two friends who were staring him down waiting for him to respond. Instead, Ben took the phone off speaker and got up to walk away, making Dom and Gwen groan in disappointment and Ben rolled his eyes, "What's going on right now is too dangerous. I'm not going to put you in the middle of that, Rey."

"I know you haven't told me your whole story, Benny, you're hiding something from me but it's okay. Whatever it is I'll help you," There was a pause as she sighed, "Please don't push me away, again."

"I won't, baby," Ben hit himself as soon as he heard the word came out of his mouth. _Baby? Seriously, Ben?_

"Good." He could almost hear her smile, "I'll call you when I land. I come in Sunday morning," Rey's response sent Ben's heart down into his chest, and Rey could feel it, "Benny? What's wrong?"

"I won't be able to get you, I'll be... indisposed," Ben couldn't think of any worse timing to have Rey come to the States, but it was clear nothing he could say would change her mind, "I'll have to send someone I trust to go get you."

There was a silent pause from Rey for a few moments before she spoke again, "What's happening to you... it's really bad isn't it?" There was another pause, and he could hear her sigh, "Is it... illegal?"

Ben leaned against the wall. He had wandered all the way to his bedroom, where he was sure Gwen and Dom couldn't hear him, "I'm not a good person, Rey... I've done... so much terrible shit and-" He caught his voice cracking and covered his mouth. He was fighting so hard not to get emotional, "I don't want to ruin you with my darkness."

Rey didn't reply immediately. There were a few moments of silence again, and then he could see her appear before him, her voice echoing in the phone as she spoke, "Whatever you've done, whoever that person was... they weren't Ben Solo," Rey reached out to touch his face, and the contact of her hand on his skin was just the thing to send his emotions spiraling, "People change Ben, and you have. I can feel it." Ben dropped his hands as Rey moved in closer to hug him, his head sinking into her shoulder as he cried silently, "I love you."

Ben wrapped his arms around her tiny frame and held Rey tight, “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next two chapters are flash backs!!! I feel it's necessary to tell a bit of a back story before we get into any more big details !! Hope you guys have been enjoying this as much as I have !!!


	11. Isolated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: insinuations of rape, anxiety/depression, pill taking

| Rey |

After the events of The Disconnecting, Rey was removed from the Plutt home and put into a psychiatric hospital for two years while they evaluated the damage done to her mentally by Unkar. Rey also noticed they didn't like it when she talked about Ben, so she stopped thinking about him altogether. Not that she didn't mind. Thinking about Ben made her chest hurt, so she did her best to suppress every memory she had ever had with him to the back of her mind. Over the next two years, the doctors explained to her that she had suffered through a lot of trauma and it made her think differently, but she knew what that really meant. 

Rey was depressed.

She hated herself more than anything in the world. Her thoughts always consumed with so many questions. Rey spent countless hours trying to understand why Mr. Plutt hated her, trying to figure out the reason he thought she wasn't good enough and why he felt the need to beat her. A little twisted voice in the back of her head always telling her that she was never good enough, and she deserved what he did to her. Rey believed the voice. She wanted it to go away.

So Rey was given antidepressants.

When Rey was fourteen she was sent back to the orphanage where she spent the next year as a hollow shell of her former shelf. Rey knew what it meant to be a fourteen-year-old in an orphanage. No one would want a child this old, or with this much baggage. She would have no other choice but to wait until she was sixteen. Once was sixteen she would be at the age where she could be left to fend for herself, which at that point in her life was completely fine with Rey. She wanted to be left on her own, but fate had other plans. Less than three months after returning to the nursing home, two weeks before Rey's fifteenth birthday, Rey was sent to live with a new foster family.

In her new home, she would meet her new brother, Finn Johnson. 

Finn was the adoptive son of Ryan and Amelia Johnson. The Johnson's also had four other children, all of them adopted. Finn was the oldest of their children, then there was Sebastian, Delilah, Somaya, and Marcus. Amelia had been through the system as well and always wanted to adopt kids as an adult, knowing what it was like to be an orphan. When The Johnson's heard about Rey's story they jumped at the opportunity to foster her. Unfortunately, Rey was not as excited to become part of their family. In fact, she wanted nothing to do with joining the Johnson family. Yet, Rey was still considered a minor. 

So, of course, she didn't really get a choice.

Rey got her own bedroom in the Johnson home, with its own connecting bathroom. They had told her they wanted her not to feel too overwhelmed with the new family and they knew teenaged girls needed their own space to discover who they are. Rey was grateful for the privacy. All she wanted was to get through the next year and then she could be on her own. She wasn't there to make friends or become part of the family, but Finn had other plans.

"Hey, Rey!" Finn smiled as he leaned against the bedroom. She was sitting on her bed with a book in her hand. Reading had become her vice over the last couple of years, and helped her keep her sanity during the stay in the hospital, "Whatcha got there?"

Reys' eyes peeked out from over the top of the book to see Finn standing at her door. She sighed, he was too friendly for her liking. So of course, her response came out sarcastic and curt, "A book, why?"

"Well it's gorgeous out today and I was going to go out with a few mates for some lunch," Her rudeness never seems to phase him. She had only been there for a few days but she could already tell that Finn was as frustrating as he was friendly, "You wanna come?"

"Do I have a choice?" Rey lowered the book a bit more, and Finn's smile got bigger.

"Mom and Dad think getting out of the house would be good for you," Finn stood up straight and turned to walk away, peaking back through the doorway one more time before he vanished, "Who knows? You might, ya know, actually, have fun."

* * *

Rey and Finn walked into a tiny little cafe, and at the sight of him two teens jumped out of their seats and saved him over. Finn ran over to greet the two, a boy and a girl, with hugs and then waved Rey over to meet his friends.

"Guys, this is Rey, my new sister," Finn introduced her with the widest smile on his face.

Rey tried her best not to roll her eyes as she approached the table, barely giving the two new faces a wave, "Foster sister, but yeah. Hi."

"Rey, this is Jannah," He said pointing to the girl. She was a pretty girl, dark chocolate skin and lovely natural hair that Rey was rather impressed with. Her appearance always seemed so basic but Jannah's seemed like she put a lot of love into her look. She was a touch tomboyish, and by the look of her physique Rey wondered if she played sports.

"Nice to meet you," Jannah put her hand out to shake for Rey to take, and not wanting to be awkward Rey returned the jester.

"And this is my best mate, Poe," Finn grabbed the Hispanic looking, dark curly-haired boy and shook him by the shoulders, "Don't shake his hand though, who knows where they've been."

"Don't be such an asshole in front of your new sister, dude, your gonna scare her away," Poe swatted Finn's arms away and reached out to shake Rey's hand, "And don't listen to him, Rey, Finn is just mad he's a lonely virgin."

Rey was so concentrated on Poe's accent that she didn't even realize he had made a jab at her new foster brother, "You're not British." The words slipped out of her mouth before she could register what she even said. Immediately Rey felt stupid, "I'm sorry that's so rude of me, it's just I've never really met anyone who sounded so different... oh god that was worse."

Poe laughed as he let go of Rey's hand, "No I get it. My parents are from Guatemala but I was raised in America for a good chunk of my childhood," The group started to sit down at the table, and Rey followed suit as she listened to Poe talk, "Both my parents are in the Army so I've kinda lived all over the place and then at eleven we came over here. Did a year in Germany then Mom and Dad got sent here to the good ol' UK."

"Seeing the world sounds nice," Rey admitted pulled her chair closer to the table, "Never been anywhere but here."

"Well you definitely won the parent lotto with the Johnsons," Jannah chuckled as she lifted up her fancy coffee drink, "They are big on family holidays, isn't that right Finn?"

"Yup, my mom's already got three weekend trips planned in the next couple of months, you know how much she likes getting lost in nature," Finn glanced Rey and smiled, "It's nice to not get stuck in our own bubbles and really experience the world."

Rey rolled her eyes, not so much rudely as they were playful, "I'm sure it is."

"So what does a girl like you do for fun, Rey?" Poe asked with a big grin on his face. Rey was entranced for a second, his smile is kind and inviting.

_Almost like…_

Rey shook herself out of her daze. _No. Stop. Keep him away. Thinking about him will only make it worse._

"Rey?" Finn's voice called out to her as he reached out to touch her shoulder, "Everything okay?"

Rey should her head yes, "Yes. It's just… it's been a long week, getting adjusted and all."

"Hey, you want a coffee or something?" Poe smiled as she stood up, "My treat!"

Rey her hand up to wave no, "No I couldn't possibly-"

"Nonsense! Finn is my boy, so now that makes you part of this crew too. Come one, you can look at the menu while I wait on line," Poe waved her on to follow, but Rey was stuck in her seat completely in shock over his kindness.

"You better go with him because you do not want that boy picking out your drink," Jannah smiled as she nodded Rey on.

"Alright," Rey got up and headed over to where Poe was standing on line, waving furiously at Rey to get her attention. She took a deep breath as she headed his way, trying to calm herself down. Rey wasn't used to all of _this_. The normality of it all seemed fake to her. Pretending to be okay-

_"Rey?"_

"Rey," Poe's voice called out as she snapped herself out of the trance she was stuck in. His American voice, though not the same, reminded her of the boy whose name she swore to herself she'd keep out of her head, "Rey? What drink were you thinking?"

"I… uh," Rey battered her eyes. She needed to get back home before she lost her damn mind, "Pick for me."

Poe smiled and nodded his head, ordering some fancy drink she had never heard of. They returned to the table and with a cup in her hand and sat back down, Rey half-engaged the entire time. Surprisingly, Rey would be invited back every time Finn would go to hang out with his friends. She wasn't sure why they like her, but Finn had reassured her time after time that they did. After the end of her second week a part of the Johnson family, Rey decided her foster brother wasn't as terrible as she had first imagined.

* * *

Rey had a vivid nightmare the night before her fifteenth birthday. At least, she thought it was a nightmare. It felt so real. Rey was wandering the streets of a city she had never seen before. It was cold and windy, and no one seemed to be around for miles. She wandered tirelessly until she found herself in an apartment she didn't know. Her body throbbing in pain and her heart seemed to be racing. Something was wrong with her. Rey stumbled through the apartment into the bathroom, where she looked at herself in the mirror and gasped.

Her reflection was not her own.

It was Ben's.

At least, she thought it was Ben. It looked like the boy she was once friends with but he was much taller now. Long hair covered his big ears and his face…. She could just barely recognize it beneath the blood and bruises. Something was definitely very wrong. They groaned at the same time as he started to remove his clothes, revealing an array of cuts and bruises over his chest. Ben looked like someone jumped him. Rey tried to speak but no words came out. In this dream, she could only see through his eyes and feel what he felt. Was any of it even real? She wasn't sure. 

The next thing that happened... that definitely felt real.

Rey/Ben started to remove his pants, very slowly and winched in pain as he slid them off his body and let them drop to the floor. Someone's heartbeat jumped; his or hers, maybe both of theirs, she wasn't sure. What she was very aware of was the throbbing pain that came from…

Wait.

Rey could feel pain. Hers, his, it didn't matter. There was an overwhelming wave of fear and panic as their collective hand reached ever so gently behind them and when Rey realized what was happening she started to sob uncontrollably. Their fingers only grazed the entry of his backside and he yelped in pain. Upon bringing the finger back around to examine, Rey's heart stopped.

There was blood.

Rey jumped out of the dream at the sight of the blood, panting and sobbing. Her body was head to toe in sweat and though she was in pain, there wasn't any visible damage on her body. Rey covered her face with her hands and cried. Cried for the pain she never wanted to feel again, and the dream she hoped was only just _that._ Rey wasn't much of a praying girl, but she prayed that whatever she saw didn't really happen to the lost boy from her childhood.

There was a knock on her door, and when it creaked open Finn's head popped out, "Rey? You alright?" 

Rey looked up to reply but the words wouldn't come out of her mouth. All she could do was cry more as her hands retreated back to her face. 

Finn rushed over to her side, putting his arms around her as he sat on the edge of the bed, "Your alright, little sister, it's okay."

"I'm not sure that it is," Rey's words got Finn to let go, sitting back so he could see her face, "I'm not sure if it will be okay."

"Of course it is, whatever happened was just a nightmare," Finn smiled as reached out for one of her hands and squeezed it tight. Rey didn't enjoy the feeling of being held, but right now she wouldn't fight it, "It was just in your head, Peanut."

_"The boy is just in your head, Rey, imaginary friends are common with kids your age but we promise you… that's all he was. Ben isn't real."_

Rey wanted to rage and scream, but it wasn't Finn's fault. He didn't know about her past. Instead, Rey nodded and wiped her face, "I know, thanks, Finn."

Finn smiled and rose from the bed, heading back out of the room. Before he was gone, Finn turned back to peek his head into the room, "You're safe here, Peanut, nothing can hurt you anymore... okay?"

Rey nodded yes, but she knew that was a lie. Once Finn closed the door shut, Rey laid back into the bed and sobbed to herself quietly. Part of her wanting to call out _his_ name and try to connect but she knew that no matter how much she tried to call him- he would not come back to her. Instead, Rey rolled over and reached out to her nightstand, pulling open the drawer and pulling out a bottle of her pills. She took one of the white sold capsules out and popped it into her mouth, using the bottle of water she had in her nightstand to send the pull down her throat.

Rey would try her damnedest not to dwell on her old friend anymore.

No matter how much it destroyed her.

No matter how much she missed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some research and apparently orphanages aren't a thing but in this story they are so, fuck it lol
> 
> Also if I ever mistag or forget to tag something in my TW please let me know.


	12. Punishments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that in chapter 10 I wrote that Ben was 15 when he ran away, when in the beginning I said that he had been 14 when he joined the First Order. So I went back and changed it to 14.
> 
> TW: physical abuse, rape, pill abuse and anxiety
> 
> Please read this chapter responsibly.

| Ben |

"You're an idiot for ever joining us," The tall blonde sitting next to him whispers to him. He knows her as something different now, but back then at 15, the only name he knew her as was Phasma. She had short hair and she was built like a damn truck, but her voice always made her seem kinder than she acted, "You can still go home, Ren. This doesn't have to be your whole life..."

He took a moment before glancing her way. He could see her face was flushed red, her eyes bloodshot and her lip swollen. The then seventeen years old Phasma tried best to keep her composure but he could see her body shaking at her fingertips.

It had been a long night. One neither of them would ever forget.

"No," Ren groaned as he tried to adjust the way he was sitting. There was so much pain in his body, the worst of it may be in his chest. He could feel the panic attack creeping up on him, but tried his best to keep a calm composer. Ren felt like he should be dead, but he wasn't, "Leaving would make it worse..."

He tried not to linger on what had happened a few hours ago too much, but the whole thing played in his mind like a goddamn horror movie. The events slowed down so that he could feel every inch of fear over and over again until his stomach was reeling at the thought of what happened. The word in his mind almost enough to have him vomiting in the back seat of the taxi he shared with Phasma. He was surprised when driver said nothing when two, beaten to all hell, teenagers jumped into his cab.

He had been… Snoke had…

The word lingered there at the edge of his mind as Ren closed his eyes and cried in silence.

* * *

When Ben- no, when Kylo Ren first joined the First Order his job was that of an errand boy. He would go on jobs and be the lookout. Did little things for Snoke when asked, being his fly on the wall and bringing him information that sometimes others didn't want him to know. 

Snoke took a liking to the boy. Made him feel important.

Made him feel wanted.

Which, is all Ren ever really wanted. Someone who appreciated him and cared to have him around. Someone who saw value in him.

_ Rey could've been that someone… _

He would shake the voice in his mind away, the one who would like to yell at him for the choices he made. It was too late to turn back. He had been gone for months now. Ren knew his parents would be better off without him.

Rey would probably be better off without him, too.

In the years since their last connection, Ren had come to terms that whatever happened to her that night must have been his fault. He wasn't sure how, or why, but it just felt like it was all because of him. Maybe he should've been nicer to her or apologized sooner for the words he said.

Or maybe… he should've never had a connection with her at all.

Ren growled at himself, pulling a little container of pills from his pocket and popping two in his mouth. He hated it when his mind became overwhelmed with thoughts of her. Ren wouldn't continue to let himself dwell on her anymore.

"Kylo, my boy," Snoke called for him as he came down the hall. He wasn't as old back then. Instead, Snoke was built strong, not huge but strong, and his face; though not yet distorted, was still terrifying. Something about him brought fear into everyone he controlled, including Ren himself, "Come, I have a job for you."

Ren rushed up to the older man and walked side by side with him, "Good morning, Supreme Leader."

Snoke gazed up at him and smirked, "Tell me, Kylo Ren, do you feel like you are doing all you can for the First Order?"

Ren glanced his way only briefly before looking back ahead, "I… I feel like I can do more, Supreme Leader."

"Good," Snoke stopped as they reached the door of his office and turned to face Ren, "I see great potential in you, my young protege, you could very well become the man who brings this city to its knees." 

"I hope so, Supreme Leader," Ren kept all emotions from his reaction. He had been with the First Order for over a year now and though Ren had a few inches on his boss it didn't change the fact that Snoke scared the shit out of him.

"Go find Phasma, she had your mission for tonight," Snoke waved him off and Ren started to walk away. He only got a couple of steps before Snoke's voice called him back, "And Kylo," Ren turned back to see a rather sickening smile on his bosses face, "If you fail, the consequences will  _ not _ be kind."

Ren only nodded, he didn't want to know what Snoke meant by that one bit.

* * *

The job was supposed to be easy.

Just another drop-off, Ren was told.

But it wasn't. 

Now people were dead.

He could hear Phasma muttering  _ shitshitshit,  _ over and over again as she pulled the car away from the building they were parked in front of. She sped off into the night as she continued her muttering. They drove for about twenty minutes in silence. Once his head finally stopped spinning, Ren's eyes glanced over to the older girl’s body and his heart jumped.

Her left arm was covered in blood. She was shot.

"We-we should go to a hospital," Ren tripped on his words, his mind moving faster than his mouth, "You're hurt-'

"Fuck no!" Phasma yelled as she focused on the road, "He'll know if we go. Besides, they'll want to know why a 17 and a 15 year old are covered in blood and then we are really in deep shit."

"We'll lie!" Ren replied, his optimistic making Phasma uncomfortable.

" **No** !" Phasma slammed on the breaks, not another car around for miles. With tears rushing down her face, Phasma turned to Ren, her hands still tight on the steering wheel, "You don't understand, kid. I've been with the Order for years. You can't hide shit from that man, he always finds out!"

"Then run away! You can leave New York-"

"No one runs from the Supreme Leader," her bottom lip was trembling, "Here's some advice, Ren, what he does to you for a mistake with  **always** be better than what he'll do to you if you run. Never try to resist punishment. It's not worth it."

Ren nodded his head okay, and sniffled back his own tears.

With a deep breath, Phasma put the car back on drive and the car sped off once more, "One more thing, Ren, it was all my fault, I made the error. Understand?"

"But I-"

"Tell me you understand!" Phasma snapped back and all he could reply was a muttered  _ yes ma'am. _

* * *

Ren didn't realize back then she was trying to protect him. He should've taken her advice, but that wasn't the kind of person he was.

He should've kept his damn mouth shut.

They waited together, alone in the silence of Snoke's office, while their boss sat in his throne-like chair and processed the words Phasma had told him. She had explained everything to him, and pinned all the mistakes on herself.

But it wasn't the truth at all. 

After an excruciating seven minutes of silence, Snoke opened his mouth to speak:

"Kylo Ren, out."

They were his only words. Ren knew what they meant, no matter how ominous the reply was. Phasma would get punish, Ren would not. Ren looked at Phasma, who kept her fearful eyes down on the ground. There was nothing he could do for her no. It was all he could tell himself. So Ren turned on his heel and made his way for the door. 

Just as he reached for the handle, Snoke called out again, "Kylo," his hand shook just above the handle where it stopped cold in its tracks, "Stand outside the door. I want to make it clear what happened to you when you fail me."

"Supreme Leader, please," Phasma's voice cracked as she spoke, "He already understands-"

"No! He doesn't!" Snoke snapped, and Ren could hear the sound of jumping out of his seat followed by a loud smack. He might as well been the one who was hit because Ren's cheeks became flushed red with anger.

There was another punching sound, and then another and another. Ren was frozen to the door but he knew what was happening. Phasma was receiving her punishment. She said it was easier just to take what you get instead of making it harder on yourself.

But then he heard the sound of clothes ripping, and Ren couldn't stop himself from turning around. That's when he saw it. Snoke hovering over Phasma's half-naked body, her pants and underwear pulled to her knees and her shirt ripped at the shoulder revealing her bra. 

Ren knew what the next step of her punishment was.

There was something that took over him at that moment. A rush of adrenaline and all Ren could see was the body on the floor.

And in an instant, that body became Rey and Ren became angry.

"Let go of her!" Ren ran over and tackled Snoke to the floor. 

Ren would go on to only partially regret what he did that not, and it wouldn't be hitting Snoke that he would regret. It was not picking up Phasma and running away while Snoke was down, that Ren would regret the most.

Ren got up to check is Phasma was okay and he could only see the fear in her eyes as she whispered past her tears, "What have you done?"

Before Ren could reply, he could feel a heavy and harsh tug on his hair as he was pulled away from Phasma's body and dragged across the room. What happened next came as a blur, there was a loud crack and as something flew across his face. 

It wouldn't be till later than Ren would realize that Snoke had whipped him in the face, straight down the right side of his face and only barely missing his eye. 

The beating would continue on and on, the whip concentrating on his lower half rather his face. At some point during the beating Ren had rolled over onto his stomach as the whipping continued on his back. After he was beaten and bloody, to the point where Ren was sure he was dying and the damage was done he could feel something tugging at his pants. Ren couldn't move, he couldn't scream, there was nothing he could do at this point except squeeze his eyes shut and let silent tears fall. 

He tried to let his mind linger on anything and anyone in order to keep his focus off what was happening. It worked for only a second until he heard a grunt and felt something pushing against his crack. Ren let of a sob as he felt a stinging pain and the sound of skin ripping in two.

Ren let his mind drift as the pain and the thrusting intensified, the last thing he remembers hearing clearly was the sound of Phasma sobbing as Snoke continued with his punishment.

As much as the pain hurt, and  _ fuck _ did it hurt, this would not be the last time Ren would take the punishment for Phasma.

* * *

The Taxi Driver dropped Ren off at the end of his block, and in a haze, Ren walked down his street alone. Phasma asked if he wanted help but Ren had denied it. All he wanted was clean up and sleep until the pain stopped. It took him a while to make it up the steps, but the moment he made it into his apartment it felt like the weight of that night's events came crashing down on him. 

It took a lot for him to stumble his broken body across his apartment and over to his bathroom. 

As he looked into his bathroom mirror, he could hardly recognize himself. He was beaten black and blue, old and new blood smeared across his face. He groaned as he removed his top layer of clothes, the jacket coming off first and then slowly moving his body to remove his tattered shirt. Without anything on his upper half, he could see the damage that Snoke had done at full force. They weren't the first scars Ren would receive while part of the first, Order and the would most certainly not be his last.

He winced in pain and his hand shifted to his pants, undoing the buttons and zipper and slowly letting them slip to his ankles, his boxers coming down with them. It was below the waist where the pain was the worst. 

There was an overwhelming wave of fear and panic in his body as his hand reached ever so gently behind him. His fingers only grazed the entry of his backside and he yelped in pain. His backside was still extremely sore, and Ren knew it would probably stay that way for a while. Upon bringing the finger back around to examine, Ren felt his heart drop.

There was blood.

For a second he thought he could hear someone sob and Ren jerked around to see who was there, but there was no one in the room with him. For once, Ren was grateful he couldn't connect with Rey anyone. 

And when he was finally in bed for the night, covered head to waste in bandages and medical tape, Ren prayed that Ray would never experience what he felt that night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried not to make anything overwhelmingly graphic this chapter. My fingers literally couldn't do it. But I feel it's enough for you to understand what happened to Ben that makes him keep away from Rey.
> 
> Next chapter returns to the present! See you tomorrow !


	13. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: assault, anxiety, references to cutting and suicide.

| Rey |

_ Rey experienced a lot of firsts throughout her first year with the Johnson's. Her first birthday party, her first presents. They took her out for her first holiday, where they traveled to Ireland for the weekend as she spent time in the beautiful highlands. The Johnson's had gotten Rey a passport, and immediately she was in love with the thrill of travel. After a year of living with them, on the eve of her first Christmas with her foster family, Rey decided the Johnson's weren't terrible at all. _

_ Slowly, she would come to love and trust her new family. _

_ Fifteen had flown by, and before Rey knew it she was finally at the age of sixteen. Rey could leave if she wanted to, be on her own like she always said she wanted to be... but she didn't. The Johnson's told her she could stay for as long as she wanted, and she would always be part of their family. They wanted her to be part of their family. _

_ So Rey stayed, and a few months later Ryan and Amelia filed the paperwork necessary to adopt her. _

_ That summer, Finn took Rey to her first house party. Being the only one in the family who was homeschooled, Rey didn't really interact with too many outsiders. With the promise that Poe and Jannah would also be there, Rey agreed to go to the party. _

_ Yet, once they arrived, Rey immediately regretted going to the party.  _

_ It was all sixteen years olds from her brother's high school absolutely plastered. Everyone seemed dressed so differently than her, who dressed usually sort of plain and modest, and Rey felt like she stuck out almost instantly. She followed Finn around the party like a lost puppy, until of course, she actually lost him and then she was actually a lost puppy, Wandering the party looking for one of the three familiar faces she had gotten there with that night. _

_ It so overwhelmingly crowded on the first floor of the house that Rey needed to get out of there, so she made her way to the second floor where there seemed to be much fewer people there. As soon as she took her final step on the top floor she could hear two male voices talking. _

_ "Did you see that  _ **_poof_ ** _**fuck** , Dameron,_ _ came to the party? You think he'd stay home after what happened last time." _

_ "Apparently, he hasn't learned his lesson... you should do something about that." _

_ "I should, shouldn't I?" _

_ Rey turned the corner and ran into the two guys who most likely saying rude things about Poe. She didn't 100% get the terms she was using, but by their tone of voice, it wasn't anything kind. "Well hey, p-pretty girl, haven’t seen your face before... what classes you in?" The one boy asked her, stuttering his words as he spoke. He was tall and blonde and the way he stared at Rey made her uncomfortable. _

_ "I-I don't go to your school," It was the only reply Rey could get out. _

_ "Oh?" The other boy replied. He had dark hair and was heavier, but not as tall as his friend, "Who you come with?" _

_ "Finn... Finn Johnson," Rey replied as she took a step away from the two boys, "He's my brother." _

_ "Johnson?... Oh, Johnson!" The taller boy smirked as he followed Rey as she tried to distance herself, "So friend's with the prick lover, aren't you? Tell me, love, has he pegged your brother yet?" _

_ Rey could feel her heartbeat pick up, "I don't know what you’re talking about?" _

_ “Pretty girls like you needs better friends,” The heavier boy chuckled, clearly both of them were piss drunk, “We could be your friends if you like.” _

_ Rey could feel her heart thumping fast in her chest as they backed her into a corner, the skinner one moving in closer until she was pushed up against a wall with nowhere to go, "Come on, pretty girl, just one kiss." There was a shiver up her spine as the boys’ hands lingered over her body, moving towards her face and trying to pull her in for a kiss. _

_ "No! Get off of me!" Rey squirmed and screamed as the boy pulled on her face, pinning her against the wall with her body, "Get off!- Finn! Poe!" Rey screeched and cried as she held up her hands and tried to push the boy away.  _

_ Just before the boy’s lips could reach hers, they could hear footsteps rushing up the stairs and suddenly both Poe and Finn were there, Finn jumping on the shorter boy and Poe pulling the taller boy off of Rey, "Rey, run!"  _

_ And she did. _

_ As fast and as far as her feet could take her, right out the door of the house party and down the block until her feet finally gave up on her. Rey tripped and tumbled to the ground, scraping her hands and knees as she landed. She could hear footsteps approaching from behind her, and Rey's initial reaction was to cower away, "No, please I’m-" _

_ "Rey!" It was Jannah, who and rushed down to the floor to see if she was okay, "It's just me... just Jannah! Are you alright?" _

_ "Rey!" They both turned back to see the boys running to catch them, Finn's voice carrying as he yelled, "Rey?" Finn dropped to his knees and inspected his sister, "Did they hurt you, are you okay?" _

_ "Those fucking assholes, man," Poe cursed as he paced back and forth, "I swear- Monday, they are dead! I’m kicking both of their asses."  _

_ Finn and Jannah helped Rey to her feet, Jannah inspecting the blood on her hands once she was upright, "We are gonna have to take you home and clean this up-" Her voice was cut off by the sound of Rey sobbing. Finn and Poe stopped what there were doing, getting closer to Rey to see what was wrong. Jannah's voice softened as she put her hands on Rey's shoulders, "Rey, babe, what's wrong?"  _

_ Rey’s lips trembled as they curled up into a smile, the tears rushing down her face, "You're all so kind to me and I- I don't deserve it." _

_ Finn's eyes started to water upon hearing her words, "Oh, Rey," He moved in from the side and pulled her closer for a hug, Jannah settling in from front and Poe moving in on the right so that the three of them were holding her tight, "That's what friends are for." _

  
  


* * *

Rey's eyes watered as the memory rushed over her. She had learned a lot about friendship that night, as well as how cruel the world around her truly was. Finn explained to her that some people were just assholes (which she sort of figured at on her own at that point, but the party further proved that point.) She also learned that that wasn't the first run in that Finn and Poe had with those boys, and that at the last house party they went to the boys jumped Poe for being having romantic relationships with boys. Rey also learned that night that Poe had no preferences when it came to lovers.

_ "I guess you could say I just love beautiful souls." _

Rey always smiled when that quote came to mind.

In her eyes, all her friends were beautiful souls. That's what made them such good friends. 

Jannah had gone to college far away and kept in contact as best as she could but her job constantly kept her held up, and then, of course, Rey met Rose and they became immediate best friends. Rey was lucky that eventually, life would end up okay. No matter how much in her youth she missed, Ben, life wasn't always as terrible as she imagined. 

Besides, soon she would have him back, and really that was all that mattered.

"So you do you think I should go home and get a bigger jacket? You think it's really cold in New York around now?" Rose asked as she helped Rey pack up her things in a bag.

Rey chuckled as she folded another shirt, wiping her any rogue tears from her face, "You really don't have to come with me to New York, Rose, I will be fine on my own."

"Are you kidding! No way I'm letting my best girl go to America alone to meet a strange guy," Rose argued and Rey laughed, "I don't care if he's been in your head since you were five, I'm still going as your bodyguard."

"You're 5' 2", Rose, what are you going to do... jump him?" Rey rebutted as she put folded clothes into her luggage. 

A loud banging from her front door made both girls jump where they stood, Rose putting down whatever she had on Rey's bed, "Who do you think that is?"

"Not sure, I wasn't expecting anyone," Rey walked out of her room and to the door, Rose staying close by. Upon looking through the peephole, she could see Poe standing in the hall with Finn not behind him, "It's the boys." Rey unlocked her door and opened it from them. Not bothering to step to the side and let them in, "What are you doing here?" Her displeased tone aimed more at Finn then it was Poe, "And hi, Poe."

"Hey Rey," Poe replied, seeming just as annoyed as she was, "I'm here to fix whatever it is that's going on between you and this shit head," Poe replied pointing back and forth between Rey and Finn as he referenced them.

"Shit head?" Finn snapped.

"Yes, shit head!" Poe marched into the apartment, dragging Finn along by his shirt and Rey closed the door behind them. When he saw Rose standing off to the side, Poe smiled quickly at her, "Hey Rose."

Rose looked between the two boys with a confused look on her face and worry in her voice, "Hey... Poe, what's going on?"

"What's going on? Oh, I'll tell you what's going on!" Poe turned around to look at Finn and they back at Rose as he let out all his frustrations, "I am sick and tired of listening to this asshole do nothing except complain about how he fucked things up with Rey... and then having to go one with my life watch him do nothing about it!" Poe snapped, clearly as his last nerve with his friends, "I miss you guys, dammit! We should all be at a bar right now it's Thursday, this is our bar night! Except I'm home, sober, with this dumbass because he said some terrible shit to you and has his head too far up his ass to say sorry!"

"Oh piss off, Dameron," Finn growled back in anger.

Poe turned to face, Finn, shoving his finger in his face as he talked, "No, fuck you, Johnson! You, me and Rey have been best friends since high school, that's fourteen years of having no one but you guys!" Rey could see him getting worked up, Poe taking a moment to step away and take a deep breath before he turned back to Finn to speak again, " Do you realize the shit I had to do to convince my parents to leave me in London when they got reassigned, just so I could be in school with you guys? I thought we were all closer than this, but now I find out Rey's been keeping all these secrets-"

"Poe..." Rey could feel her heart hurting for him. He was absolutely right... she was spilling everything to Rose and completely left Poe in the dust.

"NO! I find out about all this shit that Finn's been hiding from me, and he's fucking mad at you for..." He couldn't contain his emotions anymore, and Poe's eyes turned bloodshot as the tears started to build up, "I was at the hospital that night, too, you don't think I knew something bigger was going on?" His voice shook the room, and now everyone was worked up, Rose and Rey in tears and Finn's face flushed red, "No, no, no, this isn't us. We aren't each other’s enemy. If something big is going on with Rey, I get to know. I get to make my own decision on whether or not I believe you!"

There was a couple moments of silence between the four of them, until finally something in Finn snapped, "You know... you of all people don't have to remind me, about that night," Finn got closer in Poe's face, and Rey was worried her brother was going to try to fight him.

"Finn, enough!" 

"No! I read Rey's file, dammit, I know everything that happened to her!" Finn’s eyes went wide and his mouth went wide.

Rey could feel her blood boiling. Suddenly, she was furious, "You read... my file? How dare you-"

"You were half dead in a hospital bed, goddammit!" Finn's emotions shifted to angry to pain as his bottom lip trembled, "I was the one who found you bathtub! Me! I deserved to know why my sister wanted to kill herself!"

"You-" Rose's voice spoke up for the first time since the yelling began, "You tried.. tried to what?"

Rey gasped softly, the sound of Rose's voice breaking her heart. It was the one last memory she had that she managed to keep away, and suddenly it was at the forefront of her mind. Rey looked around the room, all eyes now staring her down.

She tried to find the words to explain what happened, but there was none in the world that would best explain why she did what she did that night, so instead, Rey told the trust. No matter how much it would hurt, "I tried to kill myself when I was sixteen," her entire body shook as she spoke about that night for the first time since it happened, "I-I slit my wrists in the bathtub... and locked the door so no one could help me."

Rose was in full-blown snot and tears as she let Rey's words sink in, "Why?"

"Because-" Rey stumbled on her reply as her eyes looked at the empty space between Rose and Poe. 

Except the space wasn't empty anymore.

Except, now, Ben was standing there. Feeling the full blunt force of her anguish as he cried silently with her. All he could do was nod, giving her permission to say what she needed to.

_ The truth. _

"I did it… because of Ben," Rey bit her lip as she watched him wiped the tears from his own face, "I tried to kill myself because of Ben."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the big one. I'm letting you guys know in advance that the flash back for the next chapter will contain moments from Rey's suicide attempt. In order to make it safe enough to read, I will not be describing her cutting herself. After we get over this I promise it will start to kinda get better.
> 
> Kinda lol
> 
> But tomorrow is the darkest we get for the rest of the story (as I'm imagining it RN)


	14. Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicide attempt, anxiety

| Ben |

_ The next two years of Ren's life would be hard. He would put in a lot of work for the First Order and over time the name Kylo Ren would become one well known in the shadows of New York City. Snoke had told him to let the past die, and he tried his best to listen.  _

_ For the most part, he had no problem pushing his parents to the farthest corner of his mind but when it came to Rey... that was much harder to do. _

_ No matter which dark corner he pushed her to, memories of Rey would always shine bright in his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about her. On his better nights, Ren would see old memories of her in his dreams, but on his worst nights...  _

_ On Ren's worst nights, he would see Rey suffering in his nightmares. _

_ The vision of the little, 12 year old, broken Rey would come back from time to time to haunt him, and once in a while... he would have nightmares of his punishments, except he wasn't the one who was receiving them.  _

_ It would be her. _

_ Always on the receiving end of Snoke's wrath. Ren had enough nightmares of watching Rey suffer what he suffered to last him a lifetime in hell. All Ren wanted to protect her and to keep his pain as far away from her as possible. _

_ And no matter how hard he tried, it seemed his pain would find her regardless. _

_ Ren had gotten home one night after an especially bad beating from Snoke. He was bloody, bruised and tired; and his body ached in places he had no idea could be put through so much pain, but it stopped bothering him long ago. The freshly seventeen-year-old had gotten used to taken others beatings. _

_ That particular night, a newer teen they called Hux had fucked up bad, and Ren told him to go home for the night. He didn't even bother sending him to report to Snoke and took an extra beating for his actions. Ren stumbled into his bathroom, just wanting to clean up and go to bed. He sighed as he stared at his reflection in the mirror, barely recognizing the face that stared back at him. The scar on his face had healed in full and mocked him every time he looked at it, a constant reminder of he had become. His hands held tight to the bathroom sink as he steadied his body, and tried taking deep breaths to relax. Except the more he tried to calm his body, the more pain he felt and the more the emotions inside him started to boil, worsening and worsening until finally, Ren came to a terrible realization. _

_ The pain wasn't him. _

_ It was Rey. _

_ He felt a throbbing pain emerge in the veins of his wrist but when he looked down nothing was there. Then, without muted silence or the air buzzing to warn him, the sound of sobbing erupted into the bathroom. Ren lifted his head slowly and looked into the mirror.  _

_ In its reflection, he could see a teen girl sitting in his bathtub. The water filled up to the brim as she sat inside fully dressed, and sobbing into her hands. He could see blood dripping down her wrists and into the water, staining everything red. _

_ Ren didn't even think the girl knew that she called him, but regardless they had connected. Rey was there with him, and she needed him badly. _

_ "Rey?" Ren's voice whispered, too scared to move and make her cut the connection. _

_ "You're not real," She sobbed into her hands, repeating the words over and over as if she was trying to convince herself rather than Ren. _

_ Ren took a deep breath and turned around to face the bathtub, partially shocked to still find her there. He inched over slowly to the tub, and kneeled down so he could be face to face with her, "What did you do, Rey?" _

_ "Fuck you!" She snapped, lifting her head to face him. When Rey's eyes met Ben's she broke into a heavier sob, as her body started to tremble, "You abandoned me!" _

_ Now that her head was lifted away from her hands, he could see the slash marks all up and down her wrists, "Are- are you trying to..."  _

_ "Yes," Rey was shutting down, emotionally and physically, and Ren could feel it, "I can't take this anymore, I want you out of my head!" _

_ Ren could feel himself falling apart, his vision getting blurrier as the tears built up in his eyes. He was so tired of hurting her, "Rey, I'm so-" _

_ "No! You don't get to be sorry!" Rey slammed her hands down into the water, and Ren watched as it turned redder by the second, looking back up into her eyes when she before she spoke, "You left me! I needed you and you left me! And I can't- I can’t-" before she could finish her words, Rey started to hyperventilate. _

_ Ren did not freeze this time. Instead, the moment she started to panic Ren pulled her body to the edge of the tub as he held Rey as tight as he could, his head tucked in her shoulder. In unison, with the overwhelming combination of both of their pain and suffering at its peak, Rey and Ren cried in each other's arms. Rey lifting her hands up and wrapping them around Ren's arm that went across her body.  _

_ For a couple of moments neither of them spoke, Ren squeezing Rey tightly in fear that she would pass out and the connection would cut. There was so much he wanted to say, but he couldn't find the words to say it. _

_ But Rey could. _

_ "I can't do this anymore, Benny," She mumbled into his arms, the sound of  _ **_that_ ** _ name stinging his ears down to his chest, "I don't know how to live without you." _

_ "You don't need me," Ren finally replied, his fingers gripping on to her body tightly, "You're so much better than I am… I won't be able to help you... I'll only bring you pain." _

_ Ren broke the embrace so that he could see her face, and could feel a sense of panic starting to form in her gut, "I- I'm not ready to die." _

_ Ren smiled for the first time in years, Rey's regret a sign of relief in his chest, "Then don't... You have to call for help." _

_ "What if they hate me for what I've done," Rey replied as her voice got softer, "I don't want to be alone anymore." _

_ "You've never been alone, Rey," Ren pulled her closer one last time, knowing deep down that this would probably be the last time he would see her, "Even if you can't see me, even when I don't appear when you call... I promise I'm always with you. Always." _

  
  


* * *

Ben let the tears flow free as the memory played in his head. He had held on to her that night at the edge of the tub until she had passed out. Never truly knowing if anyone actually came over her. He would spend the next fourteen years assuming she didn't die. If he could feel everything else, her death would be one of those things. 

It's what he told himself every time he had a panic attack over her.

For so many years he kept that guilt deep down inside for everything that had happened up to this point. Ben resented every second of his life since the day he pushed Rey away, and now that he could let all of that pain go it was like the weight of the world could be lifted off his shoulder. 

All he wanted now was to apologize, but he would have to wait.

"I used to have nightmares… terrible, terrible nightmares about Ben," Rey's eyes weren't entirely focused on him, letting him know that she was not alone, "For years I would fall asleep and see him in my mind, and… unspeakable things would happen to him. Things I never want to repeat out loud," Rey's attention lingered back to Ben, "Things that after some time, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew they weren't actually nightmares… they were really happening to him."

"No," Ben's heart dropped. She couldn't have possibly seen... could she? He never felt her connect, never saw her when it would happen. How could she have seen: "I don't- I-" 

"I didn't think it was real, either, but the pain would last long after I was awake, and the fear and anxiety would build and build until I felt like my entire mind was stuck in a dark cave and I didn't know how to get out," Rey kept her focus on Ben, and both of them tried hard to keep each other calm, "I was so tired of being told I was crazy, and even more tired of thinking maybe people are right... maybe I am crazy," Rey lifted her left sleeve to reveal her almost fourteen-year-old scars, "One night before bed... I didn't take my pill, and when I slept... I felt everything. It was like I was the one being hurt and when I woke up, I couldn't help but feel like it was all my fault. If I didn't push him away maybe he wouldn't have become so angry... and I could've protected him."

Rey went silent for a few moments, her eyes drifting as someone on her side of the connection spoke to her. While her mind concentrated on whoever was speaking, Ben took that moment to approach her. Closing the gap between them both, until he stood at about arms reach from her.

"Of course I blamed Ben for everything back then, I was a child! But for as much as I may have blamed his pain for pushing me over the edge, but it was just as much my pain as it was his," Rey was looking up now making eye contact with Ben as she spoke, "and I thought by killing myself; and cutting the connection, he would stop suffering because of me."

"Rey, what happened to me wasn't your fault. I chose to let it happen, I didn't know that you'd feel it too," Ben started to explain, his feelings over pouring faster than his mind and mouth can handle, "I fucked up so bad, Sunshine, I ruined everything. The shit I did- and said, the things I didn't say or do-"

"I spend so many years pushing Ben away, and it is the biggest regret of my childhood," Rey took her phone out of her pocket and started calling someone. Seconds later, Ben felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He picked it up, slowly lifting it to his ear as he watched Rey's lips curl up into a smile, "Hi."

"Hi," Ben was confused as he could feel his and her emotions simmering down. 

She felt surprisingly peaceful.

"I'm sorry," Rey smiled as she wiped the tears from her face with her free hand, "Forgive me?"

Ben scoffed and suddenly he felt the urge to smile as well, "You have nothing to apologize for, Sunshine."

He could see Rey hold her phone out as switch the call to ‘speaker’, "Ben, my friend's don't believe your real... so, say hi."

Ben could hear his echo exhale through the phone, "Hi."

"Holy shit-" 

Ben chuckled when heard a voice in the background reply, and Rey also smiled.

"Ben, what kind of phone do you have?" He heard a female phone ask.

"iPhone, why?" Ben glanced up at Rey who shrugged in response to his puzzled look.

"Then why the hell aren't we face timing him!"

There was some commotion in the background of the phone call and then suddenly connection was cut. Standing alone in his apartment, Ben felt a strange rush of nerves in his throat. Seconds later, his phone started to ring.

It was a video call.

Ben picked up and the first face he saw wasn't Rey's, but that of an Asian woman's, "So, you're Ben Solo?"

"Rose... please give me my phone back!" He could hear Rey's voice faintly in the background and it made Ben smile.

"Ugh your so cute, it's gross... I can't be mad at you if you smile, Ben," The girl he now knew as Rose bickered as a smirk formed on her face.

Ben cleared his throat, making his way to his couch so he could it down, "Right... sorry."

"Rose, seriously?" He heard a British male voice yell.

"Stop flirting with strangers, Rose," Another more American voice yelled.

"I am not flirting! I'm just naturally friendly," Rose snapped at someone in the background before rerouting her attention to Ben, "Right… where was I? Oh yeah, fuck you, Ben Solo! You're a fucking asshole for what you put Rey through!"

Ben wiped his face with his free hand, "Yeah… I deserve that."

"But," Rose sighed, "For whatever reason, she's still super in love with you… so I guess we'll see you soon."

"Wait... you're coming too?" Ben's eyes went wide.  _ Seriously, Rey? _

_ She bought her tickets seconds after I told her I was going, I couldn't stop her.  _ Rey's voice silenced for a second before stating: _ She's harmless, don't be nervous. _

_ That's not why I'm nervous. _

"Why are you making a face? Rey-" Rose let out a big gasp, "Wait a minute- are you guys talking about me with your minds?! That is so not cool!"

"Alright! I think that's enough, I'm sure Ben has a lot he has to do today that doesn't include playing 20 questions with you," Ben watched as the feed on the phone showed the palm of someone's hand fighting for the phone, and muffled voices in the background talking about something he couldn't hear. After a couple of minutes of the phone face-down on what could only assume was the floor of someone's apartment, he could hear a door shut, then the phone lifted to reveal Rey's face, "I'm sorry."

Ben was beaming. Ben Solo, the broody, black wearing, monster in the shadows, NYC gangster was smiling ear to ear like an absolute fool, head over heels for the woman on the other side of the phone.

He wouldn't waste any more time pretending he didn't feel how he felt.

"Fuck- Rey, you are so beautiful," Ben wondered if she could feel how he felt. His overwhelming desire to love her, to hold her... to kiss her. 

Even though the phone he could see Rey was blushing bad, "Oh, stop, I look like shit," She played with her long hair trying to remove it from her face. After a few seconds, she stopped and frowned, "I know this isn't ideal, Ben, but we are coming this weekend whether you like it or not."

Ben sighed as he sunk deeper into his couch, "I just wish I could be the one who picks you up... I don't know when I can... or when I'll be-" He took another deep breath, He hasn't really explained his situation to her yet, and now he can't even find the words to explain himself. Rey knows it's not good, she knows it’s not legal but she doesn't know everything. Not the full truth, "I'm trying to fix things... so we can be together, I just need more time."

Rey only nodded, taking in all the words he told her. Even though the call she must have felt the guilt in his chest, it's so obviously there it feels like it might jump out of his throat, "So- who's coming to get us.... if you’re indisposed?"

"There's only one person I trust enough to get you," Ben replied, biting his lip as he reeled over how much of a bad idea this was. He was right though, there was only one person he trusted with Rey's life. More than he trusted himself, "I just- I hope she says yes."

"She?"

"Yeah-"

"Oh," Rey gasped as his thoughts came over her, "Oh..."

"It has to be her," Ben explained as he stared into the screen of his phone, "It's time my mother sees that you're real."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the name of this chapter (as well as the inspiration for this story) comes from the song "Surrender" by Natalie Taylor.
> 
> it's literally my Reylo anthem lol


	15. Promise

| Rey |

"I don't care how real he is... you guys aren't going to meet him."

"We are two, thirty-year-old woman, with our own big girl money, and I'm pretty sure we can do whatever we want!"

"I don't know, Rose..."

"No, you aren't taking this away from her! This is what Rey wants and you know Rey, she isn't one who really wants things! Why can't we let her have this?"

"Because she doesn't know him!"

"Really? You say that but you know how much he means to her! Give her the chance to get to know him... the real him, in person!"

"Finn, I hate to agree, but Rey is her own woman... let her make her own choices."

"Bloody hell, are you both really that daft?"

"Oh, fuck you, Finn, you're being an inconsiderate ass!"

"Alright, alright! You guys, I think I got a solution that will appease the masses!"

Rey walked back into the living room just in time to hear the words coming out of Poe's mouth.

"If Rey's going to America to meet Ben, and we don't like it, then let's just all go!" Rey's head snapped up as she stared directly at Poe with wide eyes and her mouth dropped open. At this point, she was very grateful Ben was no longer on the phone with her, "I got the vacation days, I don't mind using them."

"Yes! Oh my god, that would be perfect!" Rose smiled as she turned to Rey, who was still in shock, "That way we all get to meet him, and everyone can get over themselves."

"Good enough for you?" Poe turned at Finn, who's expression was a lot less obvious than Rey's.

Finn looked at Rey for a solid minute, and she knew the gears in his mind were moving," Alright," Finn replied, his eyes still dead set on Rey, "But I'm only going so I can kick his ass when he fucks up and breaks your heart. Again."

"That settles it then! We're all going to America!" Poe exclaimed and Rose cheered as she threw her hands ups. The only two who didn't seem thrilled about the trip was, of course, Finn and Rey. 

"You guys really don't need to come," Rey finally spoke out, "I don't want you all wasting vacation days or-or money on this-"

"Nonsense!" Poe walked over Rey and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, "What important you is important to us-" Just as he finished his sentence the sound of Rey's front door slamming caused them all to jump.

Finn was gone.

Rey sighed heavily, her shoulders rising and falling as she did so, and Poe could feel her disappointment, "He'll come around, Rey, don't worry."

"I really don't want to trouble you all with this," Rey told them in earnest, "This is my messy childhood, I don't want to interrupt your lives by-"

Poe pulled Rey closer by the side of her head and planted a big kiss into her hair, "Your troubles are my troubles, kid," His smile was gentle and kind, just like when they were teens, "Finn will come around when he removes the stick from his ass, but for now. You, me and Rose are going to sit down and you're going to tell us everything you know about Ben Solo."

Rey blinked twice, "Seriously?"

"Perfect idea, Poe," Rose gasped, clapping both hands together, "I'm gonna order some food, we need some serious bonding time!"

"I don't know-"

"Nope, too late, now that we know he exists, I can't help but want to know everything about him," Poe chuckled as he pulled Rey towards the couch. She never expected her friends to be so... so okay with everything, "We already get he's hot, but you gotta start from the beginning."

"Oh, I got a picture of little Ben!" Rose yelled from the kitchen where she was trying to order take out, "Rey, show him the picture!"

Now it was Rey who was chuckling. She couldn't believe they were really into this, "Alright, Alright, let's start from the beginning."

* * *

  
  


"Jesus Christ," Poe's face looked pale as he sunk into Rey's couch. Rose had the same look on her face, but she managed to cover it up by chugging the rest of her wine.

"Yup," Rey wiped any falling stragglers that might have escaped her eyes off her cheeks, "It was hard, excepting that he wasn't coming back. That I couldn't connect with him anymore... but we were both a wreck. It would've made things worse."

"I remember," Poe spoke softly, his words barely escaping his mouth, "That night- Finn called me hysterical and my dad he drove me to the hospital so I could be with you guys."

"I remember waking up to you and him sitting right by my side," Rey smiled, and another traitorous tear fell down her cheeks, "You were passed out on his shoulder. Both of you looked like shit."

Poe laughed, wiping tears from his own face, "I didn't know what would've happened if you actually died that night-" Poe reached over and grabbed Rey's hand, squeezing it tightly, "You mean so much to us, baby girl, and Finn may be really shitty about showing it… but it’s true."

Rey smiled wide and more tears fell, "I don't deserve such wonderful friends like you."

"Stop thinking you don't deserve things, Rey," Rose finally spoke, her voice much softer than it usually was, "You deserve so much. We should be the ones saying we don't deserve you."

They all laughed, a bunch of half-buzzed emotional messes. Rey couldn't help but be grateful. Grateful for her wonderful friends. 

"When we get to New York..." Poe chuckled as he reached out for his glass of wine, "Someone please remind me to thank Ben Solo."

"Thank him?" Rey questioned as she reached for her glass.

Poe nodded staring into his own as he watched the wine pour, a smile on his face, "Yeah... for saving your life." 

He was right. If it wasn't for Ben holding her and giving her the strength to call out for help, Rey would've most likely died in that bathtub.

She owed him so much...

"You can thank him," Rose chuckled as she took the bottle from Poe's hands, "After I kick his ass."

Rey laughed harder. This would be a very interesting trip for sure.

  
  


* * *

Long after her buzzed friends had headed home, Rey found herself lying in bed. Her bags were fully packed and ready to go, even though she was not leaving until Saturday night. There was so much going on his her mind. It was almost overbearing, all the emotions she had pent up in her mind.

Ben must have felt it, too, because seconds she recognized it, he appeared in bed next to her. Rey could feel the bed shift to his weight and she smiled.

"It's hard to sleep when you're thinking so much," He chuckled.

Rey rolled to her left to find Ben laying next to her. It took her approximately two seconds to realize he was in nothing but sweat pants, and one second for her face to turn completely pink. 

She was blushing hard. 

"Oh- well… you can't, put something on or-"

Ben smirked, using his arm and hand to perch himself up, "It's my bed, Rey, I can sleep however I like."

"Well technically, right now… for me, you're in my bed," Rey was fully flushed now, and she could feel her cheeks burning. Then she remembered that she was also indecently dressed. Shorts that revealed way too much and a very old, very worn tee-shirt riddled in tips and holes, "This is weird... isn't it weird?"

Ben's free hand crept across her sheets and up to Rey's cheek, "We've been in bed together before, Rey."

"Yeah, when we were like- 10!" Rey let out a nervous laugh.  _ Long before I was cursed with small tits and you were blessed with an 8 pack. _

"I heard that," Ben's hand moved slowly back down her cheek and to the back of her neck and he moved his body closer to hers, slowly closing the gap, "Also I think you're wrong."

"Oh?" Rey was at a loss for words. She loved Ben, she already to him so herself. Hell, they've kissed already... so why was this so nerve-racking?

The gap between them was almost nonexistent, Ben's nose brushed against hers as he moved in closer, "Don't be afraid," his lips were now brushing against hers, and Rey gasped, "I feel it too."

Rey let her hands slip freely around Ben's waist, her lips parting to greet his as he pulled her neck closer to kiss her. This kiss was much different from the last two they had. The one Ben placed on her lips now, here in her bed, was more desperate and longing than the others. He wanted her, so terribly it felt like his heart (and hers by extension) could split in two. It took her a few moments to realize this kiss meant something else.

It meant goodbye.

Rey pulled back enough to look Ben in the eyes, and by the look on his face she knew something was wrong, "What aren't you telling me?"

"It's nothing-"

"Benny, please,' Rey gripped his sides harder, trying not to get worked up for the hundredth time that day, "No more lies... Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

Ben's face went cold, and his hand gripped her neck a little tighter. Like he was afraid she'd run away, "I have to do something- something bad. It's happening tomorrow night, and if all works out I won't be able to immediately see you once you’re in the States... And I can't promise you when I'll be free because- I honestly don't know and-"

"You're being vague," Rey let one of her hands move from his waist up to his cheeks, "I need honesty for this to work, Ben."

There was a pause. He was hesitating, and a touch of fear built but as he took a deep breath, "I'm part of a New York City gang called First Order," Ben finally spit out, his eyes clenched tight as he took another breath, "I was ordered to kill a man from a rival gang tomorrow night. He'll be at a gang run club called The Darkside, deep in the worst part of the Bronx. If all goes accordingly... They should take me hostage after the hit is over."

Rey could feel her heart drop down to the floor. She knew it was bad but this; she couldn't make this up if she tried, "I don't understand- why do you have to kill.... to do-"

"It's my job, Rey," Ben whispered, his eyes glossing over, "This is what I was trying to protect you from."

"What if they kill you instead? What if they do something worse! What if-"

"They won't kill me, Rey," he said with confidence, "I'm too valuable to kill."

"So you want to be taken?" Rey's head was spinning, "Why would you want that? If it's as bad as you say-"

"I'm going to kill their leader," Ben sighed heavy, she could feel his anxiety building up quick, "And then... When I'm free, I'm going to kill mine."

"But why? Why do you have to kill anyone?" Before either of them could have an absolute meltdown, Ben pulled Rey closer into his arms and held her tightly.

They laid there in silence for a few moments, their minds and bodies intertwined as they both tried to keep a steady mind. Rey's hand had moved from Ben's cheek to his hair. God she loved his hair.  _ Fuck _ , she loved everything about him. She didn't want to lose all of this. Ben wasn't just someone in her mind, he was real. He was an extension of her entire being and had spent more time wishing he was there than actually having him.

Now that she was so close, _ so damn close _ to having him with her; really with her, there was no way she was going to give Ben Solo up.

No way in hell.

Rey moved back so she could kiss him again, a hungry and longing kiss just as desperate as the last. Ben took a second to react, but eventually opened his mouth to receive her, "I can't wait to know what you really taste like," Rey moaned into his mouth as her hand tightened in his hair. 

_ Rey. _

She could hear Ben calling her through the connection, and Rey smiled against his lips, "Listen very carefully to me Ben Solo," She spoke between each long and passionate kiss, and could feel Ben's hand moving from her waist up her shitty, old shirt, the weight of his fingers on her absolutely intoxicating, "You are going to kill those assholes," Her hand tugged tighter on his hair and now Ben was the one moaning, "And then you're going to come back to me. Do you understand?"

"Yes," He groaned into her lips, parting from her for only seconds before going back in for another kiss.

"Because when I finally have you and, _fuck_ , I can't wait to have you," Rey bit his lip as he tried to back away from hers, making him moan louder than before, "It will be in person. No connection, no worrying about one of disappearing. Just you... and me."

"I want you so bad I can hardly breathe," Ben's words shook from his mouth as his hands raised up her bare back and pulled her close, "Fuck, I love you so much."

"I love you, too," Rey gave him one more kiss, a true goodbye kiss, "Come back to me, Ben.

"I will, Sunshine," Ben smiled, holding her as tight as he could, "I promise you, I will... but you have to promise me something too."

Rey nodded, "Of course, what is it."

"Until we are truly together," Ben sighed, exhaling through his nose, "I need you to go back on your pills."

"What?!"

"I can't have you connecting with me while I'm-" Ben bit his lip, to the point where he was almost ripping skin, "Please, sweetheart, I don't want you connecting with me during this."

Rey could feel the worry bubble back up, "What if you need me?"

"I promise you, I'm coming back," Ben pulled her back against his body, his hand tight around her tight waist, "We're almost at the finish line, we just need to do this one last thing."

The tears fell freely from Rey's eyes as she nuzzled herself underneath Ben's chin, "Just... come home, Ben." Her voice whispered softly into his chest, "I don't care what you've done, or who you were, I just want you to come home to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No TW's needed for this one. It will probably be a minute before we need them again.
> 
> I have a road map of where I'd like to go with this story, a sort of almost roadmap, and once I know how much longer I want it to go I will change the story to have a chapter end # so u know how much longer we got.
> 
> But what I'd like to do next is go back to older chapters and touch up some things that might seem a little inconsistent. I'll probably do that after the next chapter. 
> 
> Hope you guys are enjoying this as much as I am!


	16. Home

| Ben |

  
  


"Are you fucking kidding me, Solo?"

"Please tell us this is a bad joke, Ben, because I swear to Christ-"

"You said just the girl, just Rey was coming here and now-"

"Now she's bringing her whole bloody family with her! Do you realize this amount of shit we are about to be in! That you are about to be in?"

"Do they even know what's really going on?"

"Ben- please tell me you've told this poor girl the truth."

Ben sunk deeper into his seat, one hand raised as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. Gwen and Dom were lucky they were in public (not really public, more like sitting in the passenger seat of Gwen's SUV in the middle of morning traffic) otherwise Ben might have lost his shit and made a scene. Instead, he took a deep breath and explained himself calmly.

"I explained the truth to Rey last night, she knows," Ben explained as he removed his hand from his head and reached out for his coffee sitting in the cup holder, "She doesn't like it... but she understands."

"Good," Gwen nodded as she stared out at the sea of cars before her, "And the groupies?"

"At first she just told me only her old roommate, Rose, was tagging along," Ben huffed before sipping his coffee, "But this morning she told me all her friends decided to come. So now her stepbrother and his best friend are coming, too. I couldn’t stop her, they already book all their flights."

"You're a bloody idiot, you know that," Dom yelled from the back seat, "A god damn, bloody idiot!"

"They don't trust her to come alone-"

"As they shouldn't," Gwen snapped turning her head back towards Ben, "You really should've told her to hold off coming until the  _ deed _ was done."

"I tried, Gwen, I really did," Ben groaned as he put his coffee back, "She's a stubborn woman, and I can't control her... nor will I try to."

"You can't possibly be pussy whipped already, Solo," Dom smiled through a shit-eating grin and Gwen laughed hard, "You haven't even seen her in person yet-" Ben turned around in his seat just enough to be able to reach back and punch Dom in the shoulder, "Ow!... Moody bitch."

"Children, please, do not make me turn this car around," Gwen's fake stern voice got a chuckle out of Ben.

They almost never heard him laugh.

"Yes, mom," Ben smirked as he adjusted his body in the seat, facing himself towards his window so he can watch the world around him.

"Speaking of mothers," Gwen sighed, "Did you go see yours yet?"

"I'm going there after we brief with Snoke," Ben replied, keeping his eyes out the window.

"You got any idea where to find her?" Dom asked from the back seat, "Because last time I checked... they don't usually let criminals walk right into the Governor's office unannounced... or at all really."

"She isn't in her office, she's on medical leave..." Ben leaned his head against the window and sighed, "Which means... she'll be home."

  
  


* * *

  
  


Home.

Ben scoffed as he stared up at the old apartment before him.

Not that it was  _ old _ , per se. Leia, well... his mother, would say the building had an old classic charm to it. Or at least, that's how she described it to him when she first bought the place about twenty years ago. He couldn't say he was really surprised when he found out that she was still living there. It made sense.

Her son had run away from home.

How would he find it again if she moved?

This place never really felt like home to him. His father was never there... not that his father was ever at their first place either, but he considered home to be with his  _ whole _ family. Not that he had that anymore; a family. Or a home.

_ Come home to me, Ben Solo. _

It was the last thing she texted him this morning before he handed his phone over to Gwen for safekeeping. She would be on her pill by now, so there would be no way to connect with her until after everything was said and done. He would do everything and anything in his power to keep Rey safe.

Including talking to his mother for the first time in 20 odd years.

It took a lot for him to enter the building. Fumbling with his keys, a part of him expected them not to work anymore. He's shocked when the door opens for him on the first try. The first thing Ben noticed as he enters the lobby is that there wasn't some kind of security person on the first floor. The Governor of New York lived here, you would think  _ someone _ would be posted down here for protection. What if someone tried to hurt her? 

Someone like him... there were many people in the world like and worse than Ben was. It bothered him to no end that there wasn't someone there watching her.

Well, in reality, he was  _ supposed _ to be that someone.

Ben makes his way to his mother's apartment. Even after twenty years, he remembers exactly which door was hers. Maybe that's because he remembers how much he hated the place the day they moved in. He moves to knock on the door but his hand freezes just before he makes contact. Now it's stuck there, hovering right before they apartment number hanging on her door:

_ 5C.  _

After a hand full of antagonizing minutes, Ben finally regained control of his hands and forced himself to knock.

"One moment!"

It hadn't been that long since he had heard her voice, he had heard it dozens of times on TV. Yet, there was something different about hearing it here, now, on the opposite side of her front door. He could hear her footsteps approaching and her locks being undone, and then finally the door began to creak open.

"Kaydel, I've told you already you don't need to kno-" Her eyes shifted up his body to meet his own, and she gasped at the sight of him. Ben said nothing, standing in silence as his mother stumbled back to paces, gripping her door hard to keep balance, "Oh my-"

"Hi... Mom," Ben bit his bottom lip, momentarily happy Rey couldn't connect and feel how much he was freaking out at that moment.

He half expected to smack him, slam the door on his face and call the cops. To scream. To yell. What he didn't expect was for his mother to start sobbing uncontrollably, a large smile on her face as she muttered the two words that would utterly destroy him, "You're home."

In just seconds, Ben was an absolute mess. His eyes betraying him as the tears started to build up, escaping down his cheeks without warning. His mother’s head rested against his chest as she wrapped her arms around him, and Ben lowered his head against hers as he cried like a baby in her arms.

After a few moments of crying at the entry of the apartment, his mother finally convinced Ben to come inside. The interior looked almost exactly how it did when he was last there. Not that he remembered too much. He had lived in this building for four years, and that whole period of his life had become such a blur to him now that he was thirty-one. 

After a while he found himself sitting next to her on her couch. Talking about everything, he skipped over most of the really bad details, but he explained the truth to her, "I was a shitty kid, I shouldn't have run away."

Leia grabbed one of Ben's hands and held it tight, "No, Ben, I shouldn't have given up on you. I know- I wasn't the best mother..." She sighed, her hands shaking about his, "I should've worked less and loved more, and I regret every day of my life."

"No," Ben shook his head, lifting his mom’s face by her chin, "You were the best mom you could've been. I was the one- talking to myself."

"Oh, Ben-"

"It's okay. I'm sure that was very-  _ stressful _ ... but Mom," Ben chuckled, as a smile stretched clear across his face, "She's real. Rey is real... I found her."

"How are you still thinking about that after all these years," His mother had the same face on now as she did the first time he tried telling her Rey was real. It was like a knife to the gut, but he kept his composure. Its what Rey would want him to do, "We've gone over this so many times, Benjamin."

"I know, but I have proof," Ben pulled a piece of paper from his back pocket and placed it in his mother’s hand, "She's flying in from London on Sunday morning, and I was hoping you'd be the one who picks her up."

"How do you know it's the right person? You could be getting catfished or-"

"Mom, she's been in my head for 26 years. I know who she is," Ben smiled, "Her name is Rey Johnson, her phone number is on a piece of paper."

"I don't know, Ben."

"You're the only person I trust in this city to make sure she's kept safe," Ben squeezed Leia's hand a little tighter, "Please."

"Where will you be?" He could see that she was worried. Ben didn't want to tell her the whole truth and explain what kind of monster he was now.

Luckily, he wouldn't have to.

"Get your hands off the Governor and in the air!" A female voice called out from behind them. 

Ben and Leia both turned their heads to see a young, light brown-haired woman standing in the doorway with a gun in her hand. Her aim set on Ben.

"I said hands up, asshole!" The girl yelled again, causing Leia to jump out of her seat.

"Oh stand down, Kaydel!" Leia yelled in an aggravated tone, "This is my son, Ben!" Leia turned to Ben, pointing at the woman in the doorway as she spoke, "Ben, this is my frustratingly over protective secretary slash unnecessary bodyguard, Kaydel Connix."

"You're Ben Solo?" Kaydel asked, with a hint of disappointment to her voice.

Ben nodded as he rose to his feet, "That's what she named me."

"I thought you were a deadbeat son," She's blunt, this girl, and loyal to his mother almost to a fault.  _ Must be why she keeps her around. _

Ben sighs and gives her a deadpan stare, "I was."

"Down, Kaydel, no need for the comments," Leia walked around the couch to Kaydel, who was putting her gun away, “I’m sorry, she’s just- overbearing.”

"You got a permit for that?" Ben remarked with arms crossed.

Kaydel raised an eyebrow and smirked, "You got one for yours?"

"Benjamin Bail, you have a gun?" Leia rubbed her temple, clearly aggravated, "That's why you want me to get her, don't you?"

"Who are we getting, boss?"

"You aren't getting anyone, the request was for my mother alone." Ben's voice is getting louder but he's not yet yelling.

"Actually, Ben," Leia sighed, "Kaydel would have to drive me, Doctor's don't want me behind the wheel after, you know-"

"Right," Ben glares at Kaydel, still not sure how much he trusts her, then looks back at his mother, "If anything happens to-"

"Don't worry, Ben," She places her hand on his arm and smiles, "We will make sure she's safe. I promise."

* * *

It's a quarter past one in the afternoon. 

Less than eight hours till the hit.

Ben and Gwen had been waiting outside Dom's apartment for him to gather anything he might need before he and Gwen dropped the face of the Earth for a while. He told them to take only the necessities, he didn't want anyone catching on that they were on the run.

They sat in silence in Gwen's SUV for almost fifteen minutes before she opened her mouth to speak, "Does it have to be  _ my _ car?"

"It's the one we drove to Snoke's today," Ben answered, his eyes dazed as he stared out the window, "and it's covered in yours and Doms prints."

Gwen sighed, "What a shame."

"I'll get you a new one when this is all over." Ben chuckled softly.

A few seconds past and the Gwen turned in her seat to better face Ben, "You're not going to believe me, but," She started as he slowly turned to face her, "you're a good person, Ben Solo."

Ben huffed and shook his head, "Don't lie to me, Gwen..."

"No, I mean it," Gwen argued with a soft voice, "You- you've always taken care of me, Ben. I was older and your Captain and I should've been the one protecting  _ you _ but... the shit you did for me; for Dom," This was the kindest she'd ever been. The type of kindness you gave someone when you think you'll never see them again. It made Ben's chest hurt, "Thank you. For everything."

"Of course," He half-smiled trying to hide the fact that his chest hurting.

"You're a good friend, Ben Solo," Gwen smiled back.

He scoffs playfully and raises an eyebrow, "You think we're friends?"

"This may come to you as quite the surprise, but yes Ben, I have always thought of you as a friend," Gwen chuckled for a moment, and then smiled once more, "You're like a brother to me. Even Dom... you're both the only family I got."

"You're both the worst shift partners ever," It gets a laugh out of both of them, "But yeah, I guess I would agree with that. You guys are... shit, the only friends I've ever had other than Rey. I really appreciate you both," Ben smirks and sticks out one finger, "Just, don't tell Dom that I said that."

"As long as you make it out of this, I won't," She replies and Ben can see the emotions in her face shift, "But If you don't I'm telling him all of your secrets."

"Deal."

They both turn their heads to see Dom finally coming out of his apartment with a small bag in his hand, and Gwen starts the car.

"But seriously-" Her voice was tense, and even though he wasn't facing her, be could feel her pain through her voice, "Don't make me have to tell your girl you didn't make it."

"You won't have to," Ben replied with his eyes still on Dom, "Because I'm not going to fail."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me all weekend to wrap the end of this chapter up. Idk why I struggled. Tonight im gonna update some of the chapters. If I get enough done I lll do an temp-update chapter.
> 
> Next chapter takes place on Sunday. Rey finally lands in NYC!


	17. Avalon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: anxiety/panic attacks, depression

| Rey |

This wasn't her first time on a plane. Or her second or even tenth. Rey had ridden enough planes in her life to get o ver any ounce of fear she might have had for them.

Yet something about this flight made her feel like throwing up.

It didn't help that Rey hadn't slept that night. Or that she was taking her pills again for the first time in over a month. And it definitely didn't help that she was nervous as hell about Ben.

In fact, Rey was pretty sure she was losing her whole mind over Ben.

His last visit was Thursday night, and the last she had spoken to him was over a couple of texts early Friday morning before he handed his phone over to Gwen. She hadn't heard from his friends either. Her stomach was in knots the entire weekend.

During the actual flight, Rey had gotten up twice to cry and partially hyperventilate in the bathroom within the first twenty-five minutes before Rose managed to 'convince' the man who was sitting next to Rey to switch seats with her. (Rose could be very convincing when she's angry... and yelling... and threatening.) The two girls held hands the rest of the flight, Rose leaning over from time to time to remind Rey that everything was going to be okay.

Rey prayed the entire flight that she was right.

After about nine hours, Rey and her friends had finally landed in New York. It took them some time to get through all the ins and outs of being in the airport before they could finally make their way to the exits to leave. 

It was about that time that Rey started to feel her at her most anxious for that weekend.

"Hey," She could hear Poe's voice coming from behind her, and could feel him put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it tightly, "You okay, kid?"

"I'm- I.." Rey couldn't find her words. She was on the verge of having a mental breakdown. This weekend was taking quite a toll on her.

"Hey! Hey, deep breaths, okay? It's all going to be fine," Poe turned Rey around to face him, taking deep breaths with Rey as an attempt to help her relax, "We are here for you, okay? You're not alone."

_ You're not alone, Benny... _

_... I’ll always be there when you call, Rey _

Rey exhaled heavily and tried her best to stay strong. If not for herself, then for Ben, "I never thought it would be this... stressful."

"You're on oceans away from home trying to meet the man in your head, of course, it's scary," Poe smirked, "But it's fine. You are fine."

"I'm fine," Rey repeated as if she was trying to convince herself that it was trying, "I'm fine."

From over Poe's shoulder, Rey could see Finn and Rose making there way over with their luggage. Finn looked as bitter as he did when they all arrived at the London airport at the beginning of the trip. Rose was the first to speak when they approached Rey and Poe, "So... what's next?"

"Well, now we wait for-" Just as Rey was about to say her name, she could feel her phone vibrating in her pocket. Upon pulling it out and holding it up to her face she could ree the NY zip code flashing on her screen followed by a number not saved to her contact. Very hesitant with her movements, Rey swiped right to answer the call, "Hello?"

"Rey Johnson?" The voice was unexpectedly young. Whoever this was, it wasn't the woman she was expecting to call.

"Y-yes, this is she," Rey stuttered, "And who is this?"

"I'm with Governor Organa," The woman on the other line replied, "Have you arrived at the airport?"

"We have," Rey could see her friends confused faces, and turned away to not be distracted by them, "Is she not getting us?"

"She is, but for safety reasons I'd like to ask you a few questions before coming out to greet you," Rey was impressed. The woman's request wasn't ridiculous, and she should've expected that the Governor of New York wasn't just going to show up and pick up a stranger at her estranged son's request.

Rey took a couple of steps away from her friends, holding her finger out when they called out to ask her what was going on, "Of course. That's fair enough, go ahead." 

"How old Ben when you two began talking to each other?"

"I was a few months shy of five, and he had just turned five."

"Where did you meet?"

Rey paused before the words came out of her mouth. It was very possible this person thought she was a sham, but she needed to answer truthfully, "I was in living at an orphanage in London, Ben was his childhood bedroom at his parent's house."

There were an eerie two minutes of silence before another question was asked, "How long were you in contact with Ben?"

"Until we were twelve," Rey replied, her heart aching a bit from the memory, "After his parents divorced he stopped trying to contact me... and then one day something happened. Something bad... we couldn't connect anymore after that."

"What happened that night, Rey?" It was an older woman's voice that spoke now. 

Rey gasped quietly to herself. This new voice must have been Leia, "We- I," Rey sighed, trying not to go get worked up, "My foster father at the time- there was an incident and he-" She sniffled back any emotions that were bubbling up and pressed on, "He had beaten me that night... until I was near death. Ben caught only the aftermath of me in the hospital bed, and it gave him a panic attack. After that, we were both put on pills that disrupted our connection and we lost contact for a very long time."

There were a couple of moments of silence after Rey finished her answer before she heard muffled voices talking in the background, "Governor Organa? Governor-"

The call ended.

Rey looked back to her friends, who were all standing a few feet back from her with confused looks on their faces.

"So?" Finn was the first to speak.

"I'm not sure-"

"Rey!? Rey Johnson!?" Rey's head jerked back at the older familiar voice shouting her name in the distance. Her eyes scanning for whoever was calling to her, "Rey Johnson?!" 

Abandoning her things, and her friends, Rey rushed through the crowded airport as she frantically looked around for the voice calling her. It took her a few minutes before the older woman caught her eye. She was shorter than Rey, with brown hair with grey streaks sprinkled throughout. Behind her, a younger woman rushed to catch up to her, calling the Governor by name. Rey didn't need to hear the girl calling her name to know that was the woman who she was looking for. 

It was that look in her eyes, the same as Ben's, that gave her identity away.

"Governor Organa?" Rey asked as she approached the older woman. She wasn't sure how it started but she could feel a few tears running down her face as she smiled, "It's lovely to meet you, I'm-"

"Rey," The Governor smiled as she herself started to cry, "Oh sweet girl, call me Leia." Without hesitation, Leia pulled Rey into a big hug, and Rey immediately started to cry, "I am so sorry, Rey. For doubting you, and him... and for everything else."

Rey could hear her friends calling her named as they started approaching her, but she didn't turn back. Instead, she allowed herself to cry in Leia's arms and the older woman gave her all the time that she needed to do so.

* * *

Together they all drove out of the city and down the busy New Jersey parkway for three hours. Poe gushed over being in the New York Governor’s limo, and while Rose napped and Finn dazed off to the sound of the music on his phone. Meanwhile, Rey sat next to Leia in silence. She was hand and hand with Ben’s mother, her mind not in the car with the rest of her traveling companions. There was so much she wanted to tell Leia, as well as Ben. She wanted him to know that she was safe, and his mother loved him and that everything would be okay.

Rey counted the hours carefully, desperately waiting for Ben’s return.

She looked out the window as the limo exited the turnpike, the exit sign reading  **EXIT 13 - AVALON.** Only fifteen minutes or so after the exit they were in the rather quiet shore town and pulling up to the beautiful summer home. It looked relatively brand new, but something about it had an older charm. Rey was in awe of the beauty of the home. She was pretty sure she had never seen anything so glamorous. The car parked in the driveway and all passengers started funneling out of the car. Poe, Rose, and Finn barely made it anywhere without having to stop to admire the beauty of the home in front of them.

“Holy shit,” Poe gasped and Rose smacked him lightly over the shoulder.

“Dude, not in front of the Governor,” Rose grumbled quietly.

Leia laughed as she got out of the limo, heading for the front door, “It’s alright. This house is fancy I get it. You have my mother to thank for that.”

“Your mother?” Rey asked while following Leia.

“Yes,” Leia replied with a smile, “This home was my late mother’s. She never got the chance to take my brother and me here, but we always felt close to her when we in this house.”

Rey stood by Leia’s side as she dug for the keys to the front door, “What happened to your mother?”

“She passed after having labor complications,” Leia’s face softened as she glanced at Rey than back to her back, “We were raised by our father for a time, but after a while, he decided it wasn’t for the best and we were given to a family friend to raise. My step-parents were wonderful people, I will never forget them.”

Before Rey could give her condolences Leia had gotten the front door open and paused before she could go inside. Immediately, the woman Rey learned to be Kaydel was at their side, with a gun steady in her hand.

“Someone is in the house,” Kaydel remarked as she moved Leia carefully to the side.

Finn, Poe, and Rose had approached the three of them just in time to hear what Kaydel had to say. Finn was the first to react, “There’s what?”

Rey gasped, “Ben!” Without fear, she moved passed Kaydel; walking through the front door. Kaydel and Rose’s voices called for her to come back but she didn’t listen. Instead, Rey started frantically running around the rooms of the house, calling out his name: “Ben? Ben!” She headed to the second floor of the house, not worrying about her own safety as she rushed up the steps, “Ben?” There was a creaking in the floorboard that made Rey jump. She turned around, half expecting to see the tall, pale and clad in black silhouette which is Ben Solo. What she saw instead was a tall, and muscular blonde woman standing before her.

“Who the hell are you?” The blonde asked, her heavy British accent very prominent. 

Rey knew this accent. It was Ben’s friend, “Wait- where’s…” Rey started to panic, her head and eyes searching up and down the hall, “Where’s Ben?”

“Rey!?” The voice belonged to Kaydel, who had chased her up to the second floor, gun still in her hand. When Kaydel saw the tall woman, she jumped in front of Rey with her gun held high, “Who the hell are you?”

“Wait, you’re Rey?” The tall woman asked again, “Ben’s Rey?”

“Gwen? What’s going on-” From a different from came a man with ginger hair, he looked shocked when he saw Rey and Kaydel standing across from the blonde, “Who are they?”

Rey put her hand on Kaydel’s gun, as if to tell her to lower the weapon, “You’re Ben’s friends?”

“Yes, I’m Gwen and he’s Dom,” Gwen pointed back at the ginger as she said his name.

“Is he-” Rey could feel her lip start to tremble, “Is he not?” She gasped as a sob escaped her, and watched as both Dom and Gwen’s face become noticeably sullen.

Dom shook his head no as he took a step forward, “He still hasn’t called- we…”

“We have no idea where he is,” Gwen finished his sentence when Dom clearly struggled, “We’re so sorry, Rey.”

In a haze, Rey nodded okay and slowly made her way back down the stairs where she found her friends and Leia waiting for her. They called out her name as she walked passed them but she couldn’t be bothered to stop. Instead, Rey wandered across the house until she found herself halfway into the living. Tears rushing down her face to the point where her vision was hazy.

She let out a heavy sob and then Rey fell to her knees. Her cries echoing throughout the summer home. Eventually, she felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around to see Leia standing behind her. Leia pulled Rey closer to her body and rubbed her back as she cried.

“He’s coming back, Rey,” She could hear Leia’s voice say faintly above her sobbing, “My boy _will_ come back... he promised.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still gotta do some updates to the old chapters, but I was so eager to get this chapter out after I finished it! The next chapter is gonna be a bit different in pace! Hopefully, you guys like it!
> 
> (C1: changed the beginning to say Finn was Rey's step brother, not foster brother)


	18. The Waiting Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is stressed and Rey sleeps while they wait for our boy Ben Solo to return
> 
> TW: anxiety and stress

| Rose |

It took at least an hour to get Rey to calm down, and another to convince her to sleep. She was so worn and tired from the whole trip, Rose wasn't surprised about the number of breakdowns she's had so far. Rose, however, was worried about how long this will last. They all are, she feels.

None of them had seen Rey so broken before.

With Rey finally sleeping, Rose introduces herself to Ben's friends and then settles into a room of her own. After a while, she goes back down to the first floor, where everyone except Rey has gathered in the living room.

"This was a bad fucking idea," She could hear Finn's voice complain before she even enters the room.

"Shut up, you're going to wake Rey!" Poe snapped back.

Rose entered the room to find most of the group sitting down, except for Finn who was making it his life's mission to pace a hole in the floor.

"We didn't realize all of you were coming," the tall woman named Gwen spoke from her seat, "And we are sorry Ben didn't properly explain the situation to you-"

"You're criminals!" Finn growled as he turned to face Gwen, "Actual fucking criminals! You've got your hands dirty and now you're getting my sister tangled up in your mess!"

"No one is doing anything," Rose got between Gwen and Finn before anything could escalate further, "Rey would've come here without us if she had to! They're connected for crying out loud... she would've gotten involved eventually."

"You shouldn't have helped her find him!" Finn complained as he turned away from Rose.

"You really think that would've stopped her?" Rose snapped back, "Jesus, Finn, if you were just going to be a dick the whole time maybe you shouldn't have come!"

"Please! There's no point of fighting over this anymore," Leia begged from her seat, and everyone stopped to look at the older woman as she started to stand up, "What's happened to my son isn't all his fault... he's made some very poor choices, yes, but he's trying to redeem himself." She sighed, and Rose watched as the Governor took a second to compose herself before continuing, "Whatever is happening to my son and Rey is a bigger force of nature than any of us can even begin to understand, and I truly believe my son loves that girl enough to do anything he can to protect her."

"She's right," Dom replied as he scratched the back of his head, "Ben loves this girl more than I've ever seen him care about anything else. Gwen and I have known him at his worse, for crying out loud, and that's long enough to know that he's changing."

"We all have to be strong now," Rose added as her eyes locked with Leia's, "For both of them. Rey and Ben need love and support now more than ever."

Leia sniffled as she nodded in agreement, "I must return to the city, but please, one of you reach out the moment he returns."

"Of course, Governor Organa," Poe replied from his seat, "And thank you for letting us stay in your home."

"Please, you all can call me Leia," Leia turned to Kaydel, who stood to follow her, "Kay-"

"Oh no, I already know what you're going to say," Kaydel argued before the words could even come out of Leia's mouth.

"You're more useful to me here with them, then you are hovering over my shoulder every moment of my life," Leia sighed with a touch of frustration, "I'll get a real bodyguard as long as you stay put."

"Promise?" 

"Just call me when my son arrives," Leia put her hand on Kaydel's shoulder and smiled, then turned to leave, "Rose, dear, walk me to the door."

"Sure," Rose followed the Governor out of the living room and to the front door, trying the tune out the bickering that continued once they were gone.

As Leia turned the knob on the front door to leave she turned back to Rose to speak one more time, "Look out for Rey, Rose, she needs her friends now more than ever."

Rose smiled, "Don't worry, she's my best friend... I'm here for her only."

"I've never seen my son love something so much," Leia smiled as a stray tear fell down her face, "Make sure they are both okay. They need each other."

Rose couldn't help but tear up at Leia's words, and smiled, "Rose Tico, protector of true love, is on the case. Don't you worry bout a thing!"

  
  


* * *

  
  


| Poe |

"You're a wholehearted dick, you know that?" Poe found Finn locked up in a room on the far opposite side of the house. He was avoiding everyone, but Poe wouldn't take it anymore.

Finn didn't bother turning around, "Go to hell, Dameron."

"You know, I don't think you get it," Poe snapped as he took a step closer, "You're sister needs you and you have been nothing but an asshole since she's told us about Ben!"

"Fuck, I am so tired of that bloody name," Finn groaned as he turned around, "You don't get to come in here and reprimand me like I'm some fucking child!"

"Than stop acting like it!" Poe yelled, his voice cracking, "Stop stomping around this damn house like you don't give a shit about any of us!"

"You don't know shit-"

"Of course, I know! I know better than anyone!" Poe argued. He could feel himself really getting worked up, "I remember your face that day in the hospital! You love _nothing_ in this world more than you love Rey!" Finn didn't reply, and Poe watched as his jaw slowly dropped, "Your love for her, fuck for whole your family, you've always put so much passion into that and-and," Poe exhaled from his nose, and his lips trembled, "I've always wanted that... and I've done just about everything except beg for it."

"I don't know what you want from me, Poe," He could hear the exhaustion in Finn's voice as the other man pleaded tiredly.

"I want you to stop running from all your emotions, Goddammit!" Poe didn't realize he was crying until he tried to take a deep breath and he exhaled shakenly, "It's okay to be scared of losing people, but don't push them away before it can happen."

"I'm tired of watching her fall apart for this man," Finn was worked up now too, his eyes bloodshot and glossy, "I refuse to lose her to this-"

"The only way you lose her is by pushing her away!" Poe interrupted his thoughts before he could continue, "You gotta stop pushing us all away." Finn wandered over the nearest empty chair and plopped himself down, letting himself cry. Poe walked over to the other man and kneeled down before him, taking Finn's hands in his, "We all have to stick together, it's the only we survive all of this."

There were a couple of moments of silence as both men tried to compose themselves. Then, finally, Finn spoke again, "I've been quite the ass haven't I?" Finn joked past his tears, and Poe chuckled.

"Yes, you have," Poe smiled and squeezed Finn's hands tighter, "But I still love you."

Finn smiled and leaned his head down to rest against Poe's, both men closing their eyes as their foreheads touched, "Thank you, Poe."

  
  


* * *

  
  


| Gwen |

Rey had been 'sleeping' for the last four hours or so. Not that Gwen actually thinks she's sleeping. The room she's chosen shares a wall with Rey's, and she's pretty sure she's heard muffled crying from time to time. Gwen couldn't imagine how heartbroken she must have been. Well, she almost could... but she wasn't going to think about that now.

After a solid thirty minutes of hearing Rey cry faintly through the wall, Gwen just couldn't take it anymore. She exited her room, not sure whether she was going to go next door and either strangle the girl or comfort her but she needed to get out of her room. Yet, upon entering the hallway, Gwen found the Governor's friend sitting on the floor.

The other woman looked sad and tired. Gwen wondered how long she had been sitting there but was too nervous to ask.

After a moment, the woman looked up and gave Gwen a half-smile, "I don't know her well enough to go inside, yet I still feel terrible."

"I feel the same way," Gwen replied truthfully, "I hope Ben returns soon... for her sake."

"Ben Solo, the prodigal son," The girl scoffed.

"Have something against Ben?" Gwen's words came out a little more curt than expected, but she always had a protective side for Ben.

"I just hope the _deadbeat_ is worth all the hassle the Governor has gone through," The woman looked down as if to shield her face from Gwen, "I'm tired of watching her suffer because of him."

"Who are you to her anyway? I didn't think Ben had any siblings..." 

"Kaydel Connix," She responded, her eyes still down at the floor, "I'm Governor Organa's Secretary, slash emotional support, slash bodyguard," Kaydel chuckled before looking up, "Or in better words, the child she deserves."

"You don't know Ben," Gwen said in his defense, "He may be troubled... but he's a good person."

"For her sake," Kaydel replied as she glanced back at Rey's door, "I truly hope so."

"There is nothing Ben Solo loves more than the girl behind that door," Gwen replied as she moved to go back to her room, "Trust me, I've known him long enough to know."

  
  


* * *

  
  


| Finn |

Finn had been a shitty person lately. He knew it. His friends knew it. Certainly, Rey knew it. He had grown disgusted with his behavior but didn't know how to stop himself. Fear had taken over, unexpectedly and without remorse.

He had never been a coward, but the fear of losing everything he loved made him a person he didn't care for.

It had been seven hours since Rose made Rey go to bed, and she had still not come out of her room. He had heard from Ben's tall friend, Gwen, that she had heard her crying at one point and guessed that she probably didn't do any sleeping. So around dinner time, Finn went to Rey's door to confront her.

Finn knocked softly, trying to not let fear continue to overwhelm him, "Rey? You awake?

He could hear footsteps moving, and then the bedroom door creaked open, "What?" Her face was red and her eyes still glossed over. His baby sister looked so sad.

"Can- can we talk, Peanut?" Finn sighed when she didn't move, "Please?"

He could see her puzzle the request over for a moment before moving to the side and letting him enter the room. The sun was long gone and only one of the lights of the bedroom was on, so it was hard for Finn to see what was going on around him.

Finn turned back to Rey, who was looking very aggravated and spoke his mind, "Rey, I'm going to be very honest with you. I hate Ben. I hate what he put you through, and I hate that you suffered because of him-"

"Is this seriously why you're here?" Rey snapped, her voice was weak from hardly talking and only crying all day long.

"No, Rey, I may hate him... but I love you," Finn wiped his face with both hands and exhaled into his palms, "We weren't- the closest as children... we were in the same orphanage and we weren't really friends but I noticed you. How sad you always looked. Then one day, you just- got so happy. Kids used to make fun of you for talking yourself, but you were the happiest damn kid in the whole building." His words made Rey cry silently, but she didn't tell him off, so he must have been making some strides, "I was adopted by the Johnsons at the same time you left to be with- those people, and I was crushed because I thought I would never see that happy girl anymore... and then one day, my parents broke the news that you were coming to live with us and I was so excited- until I saw how sad you looked." He took a deep breath and continued what he had to say, "And then- after the attempt, and I found out what happened... I put all my blame on Ben, and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

"I-I didn't ask to be connected to Ben," Rey stuttered as she spoke, taking deep breaths to hold back any more tears, "He came to me at a time where I needed him the most and now I-" 

Before she could break down again, Finn was there with his arms wrapped around her. Rey sobbed in her brother's arms as he held her tight, shushing her softly as he tried to help her calm down, "Don't worry, Peanut, it's going to be fine... He's coming back-"

"I don't know what I'm going to do if he doesn't," Rey managed to get out through the sobbing, "My chest feels so hollow without him, I can't keep living like this anymore…"

"And you won't," Finn kissed the top of head and rocked her closely to him, "Even if I gotta go back to the City and drag his ass back down here to you," His reaction got a laugh out of Rey, which made Finn smiled, "He'd be a damned fool if he didn't come back to a girl like you."

"I love him so much, Finn," She admitted as her body started to calm down, "I've never felt so strongly about anything in my whole life."

"When did my grumpy little sister grow up?' Finn chuckled as he took a step back to look at Rey.

She smiled as he wiped the tears from her face with his fingers, "I've always been grumpy, you've just been too blind to see it- just like other things."

Finn raised an eyebrow, "What are you getting at?'

"Poe," Rey smirked as her breathing settled, "He's totally in love with you, Finn."

"Nah," Finn shook his head, and his stomach fluttered, "Poe likes slutty girls and sugar daddy's."

"Poe begged his parents to leave him in London so he could graduate high school with you, then followed you to the college of your dreams and now shares an apartment with you," Rey chuckled as she shook her head, "He also never, and I mean never brings a date back home because he's too scared to look you in the eye while with another person."

"Yeah but-" Finn scoffed, the pieces coming together in his head but not fully clicking, "But I'm- and he's… we never-"

"I know," Rey's smile was calm and soft, "but I think we are way past the point in our lives where all the over-analyzing is necessary. If you want to let someone know you love them- now is the best time."

"Thank you, Peanut," Finn grabbed her by her head and leaned her forehead closer to give her a kiss, "And just so you know- I love you the most. More than Poe, or Rose and _definitely_ more than Ben Solo."

"That's fine," Rey replied as she went in for another hug, "That's what siblings are all about."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Background Stormpilot because Oscar Isaac said Finnpoe rights!!!!!!!!
> 
> Also might do some other background ships iddkkk who I want more tho, maybe ill do one in this fic and one in future ones, but we'll see!


	19. Return if Possible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: depression/anixety

| Rey |

After the first day being at Leia's shore house, Rey seemed to be okay. It helped that she was in good company, Ben's friends as well as her own. As well as Kaydel, Leia's kind yet standoffish secretary who seemed to get along with the others. After day two, Rey's nerves were a little flushed but she still managed to hold on. Then the third day had passed...

And the fourth, then fifth and then before anyone knew it Friday had come again and still no word from Ben Solo.

At this point, Rey had just about snapped. The pills did nothing for her but make her bitter and angry, especially now that she was very aware of what they were doing to her connection to Ben. Ben, through the extension of Gwen and Dom, made sure that everyone knew Rey had to be on her pills until he returned. Even going the extra length of having Gwen make sure she took it every day, but by the time Friday came back around it was clear that Rey wasn't going to listen to reason any longer.

"Rey, please, you have to take the bloody pill," She argued with her in the kitchen, "Ben said-"

"Ben is probably dead in a ditch somewhere and I have no idea because you all have me on these stupid, useless pills," Rey snapped, she was aggressive, tired and angry. The stress was causing her to become very emotional and she hadn't slept in the last twenty-four hours. If it wasn't clear to the others that she was losing her patience, her attitude was definitely making it so, "The only way you’re getting that pill down my throat is by force like I'm some goddamn dog!"

"Oh don't push me, because I'm /this/ close to doing so," Gwen was also on edge, but Rey knew deep down it was her inability to comply that was causing her to be so aggressive, "Ben said to make sure you take this pill, and so help me god I'll shove my whole damn fist down your throat if that's what it takes."

"Gwen, Rey, enough!" Rose groaned from the table where most of the others were sitting trying to have their breakfast, "Rey... please take the pill."

"No, I'm not taking it anymore until I know he's okay," Rey started to move around the counter and she could see Gwen move too. For a second, she was worried Gwen was really going to shove the pill down her throat.

"Peanut, please, you've waited this long-"

"No, I'm done being patient!"

"Well I'm done trying to get you to listen to reason," Gwen walked over to the table everyone else was sitting at and slammed the pill bottle down, "It's someone else's turn to do this shit-"

Everyone sat in silence, no one really wants to get up and force Rey to do something that seemed to be just about killing her. The house had definitely been on edge, and after a week of not hearing anything from Ben Solo, they were all starting to wonder whether or not he was coming back.

After a couple of minutes of everyone either just staring at their plates or each other, Kaydel jumped out of her seat and grabbed the bottle, "Fine, I'll do it," Kaydel walked over to Rey, who started to back away as she approached, "I'm not shoving the pill down your throat," Kaydel glared as she headed out of the kitchen, calling out for Rey, "Walk with me."

* * *

Rey grabbed a coat and followed Kaydel out of the house. It was a windy day, but not terribly cold out. They walked together in silence for a while, Kaydel leading the way until the end up near the beach, both of them just at the entrance. Rey took off her shoes and socks so she could put her toes in the sand, and Kaydel stood by the boardwalk.

"The Governor- Leia and I, we come down here from time to time. When she's really feeling down, ya know?" Rey listened to Kaydel speak while her eyes watched the waves roll in from the ocean, "Sometimes she is as tough as nails with an iron heart, and some days... the really hard ones, she's in shambles." Rey bit her lip, it must have been tough for Kaydel to tell this to her, but she continued on anyway, "Sometimes it's about Han, her ex-husband, and Ben's dad. Sometimes it’s about her parents or her step-parents... but most of the time, it's about Ben."

"What happened with Ben's father," Rey turned around to face Kaydel, who seemed to be keeping it together except for the glossy eyes, "Did he?"

"No, Han is alive... he's just," Kaydel sighed crossing her hands over her chest as another cold gust of wind blew by them, "Leia says Han is like a cloud. You can't really keep him pinned down," Rey and Kaydel giggled at her unintentional  _ Sound of Music _ reference, " _ Han likes to be free, he belongs in the sky _ , or at least that's what she used to tell me when I would ask her about it."

"I bet that was very hard for her," Rey thought back on a younger Ben, bitter and angry and feeling rejected by his parents. His emotions still lingered in her chest even now so many years later, "It was hard for him too, to see his parents so- broken."

Kaydel scoffed lightly, "I'm sorry, it's just hard to-"

"I know," Rey walked back to where Kaydel was standing, both of them now side by side with their eyes on the ocean, "If everyone else could feel what I feel- what  _ Ben _ feels... they would know the truth," Rey glanced at Kaydel, and found she had been looking at Rey that whole time, "He's not a monster. Ben is troubled, and conflicted yes, but... isn't that what makes people human?"

Kaydel smirked the looked back out to the water, "Yes, I suppose you're right," Rey looked back to the ocean as well and the two girls stood together for a couple of moments in silence. After a bit of time, Rey could feel Kaydel nudge something at her, and looked down to see the bottle of pills in Kaydel's hands, "Do whatever you want with them," She remarked, not looking Rey in the eye, "You're right, you know, if he  _ is _ in trouble... you need to know. So we can help him." 

Rey slowly reached to take the pill bottle from Kaydel, who had turned to face Rey with a smile on her face. She stared at the bottle for a few moments, before walking over to the nearest trash can and throwing the bottle out.

She turned back to Kaydel, almost looking for reassurance, and Rey was greeted with a smile, "Come on, let's go back."

Rey smiled back, and the two girls walked side by side back to the summer home.

* * *

  
  


No one said anything to Rey or Kaydel once they returned from their walk. Everyone seemed to stick to themselves for the most part. The house was also uncomfortably quiet. It reminded Rey of waiting in a hospital, everyone pacing and sitting in silence waiting for news, albeit good or bad. They wanted to know something,  _ anything _ , about what was going on.

Yet it was Rey was actually trying to do anything about it. 

It was mid-afternoon now, and hours had passed since she was meant to take her pills. Rey found herself in the backyard, sitting on a towel as she meditated in silence.

_ Be with me. _

She should be able to connect with him by now, but she felt nothing. The nothingness wasn’t anything new but still… it was a terrible feeling. It terrified her, the dark hole inside her chest reopening to swallow her heart.

Every call sounded more desperate than the next.

_ Be with me... _

If he was dead, would she feel that? Was it the empty feeling she had currently inside her, the one that was trying desperately to eat her alive. It was agony. Sheer, unfiltered pain and agony. All Rey could do was call out harder. Desperately trying to reach him, desperately trying to bring him back home.

_ Be with me... _

_ Please... _

At some point during her meditation, she started crying, an endless amount of tears rolling silently down her face as the absolutely worst-case scenarios played in her mind. That dark and scary part of her mind picturing Ben's beaten and lifeless body, dead somewhere beneath the cold ocean water. The images wouldn't stop no matter how much she tried. Would she be able to live with herself if that was his fate? If he had been truly lost and she was left all alone?

No. Probably not.

_ Ben. _

Rey sobbed, giving up on her mediation and burying her face within hands. She couldn't do this anymore. She was tired of sitting around and waiting. All she's ever done her entire life was just sit around and wait for something good to happen to her. Whether it was waiting for her family to come back for her, or waiting for someone to accept her... for someone to love her. Rey was almost thirty years old and so  _ fucking _ tired of waiting.

So she decided she wouldn't continue to wait around any longer.

She jumped up off the towel and stormed into the house. Rushing to her room, she quickly repacks all her things (not that she really unpacked any of it in the first place) and then rushes back downstairs to head out the door. Rey wasn't even sure what her plan was, or how she would get to the City. All she knew was that she was going to find Ben, dead or alive.  _ Hopefully alive. _

As she got to the bottom of the steps, her eyes met with Rose's, who immediately freaked out at the side of Rey packed up and looking ready to run.

"Rey? Rey! Where are you going?" Rose's frantic voice echoed throughout the giant home, getting everyone inside's attention. 

She didn't reply, nor did she make it to the front door because when she went to rush away she was body blocked by Finn, "Peanut, what are you doing?"

"I can't sit here anymore and wait for his dead body to show up on the News! I'm going back to find him!" Rey yelled as she tried to walk past him, but Finn held up his hands in protest.

"Like hell you are!" Dom yelled as he entered the room, "You can't just start walking around New York asking for Ben Solo! One wrong person is all it takes and you're dead, or worse!"

Rey's head snapped around as she yelled at over her shoulder, "I'll take those chances!" She looked back at Finn, fury in her eyes and emptiness in her heart, "Get out of my way."

"We aren't letting you go anywhere," Poe was the next to approach her, standing next to Finn as he helped him block Rey from leaving, "There's nothing more you can do, Rey."

"No! That's not true!" Rey was crying now, holding her ground as her body shook, "It's not-"

Before she continues, the whole house was filled with a soft ringing sound that seemed to startle just about everyone. By then, everyone was together in the same open space, all staring silently together as the melody played once more. After a few seconds, it became clear what the tune was.

It was the doorbell.

Finn and Poe's heads slowly turned back to look at the door not far behind them. They could all see a shadow of someone standing behind the tinted glass window. It made Rey's heart drop. She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. Luckily, she wouldn't have to and Poe had opted on being the one who moved to the door, opening it slowly to reveal the person standing outside. 

A tall man, clad in all black with pale skin, dark wavy hair and the most beautiful deep chocolate eyes she had ever seen in her whole life.

_ Is it… is he? _

A gasp from behind her confirmed she wasn't dreaming- "Holy shit."

Without a word, Rey dropped the bag from her hand, a loud thud making her shake as it hit the floor. None one moved a muscle, and the air grew thick as her teary eyes made it hard for her to see. He was broken, beaten and bruised, but alive. So very much alive. Somehow, someway, he had returned to her… just as he promised. 

Then, just as quickly as her heart had sunk to the floor, it had risen back up as a smile stretched clear across the man’s face and spoke the one word that would completely restart her hollow heart, "Rey."

Her sobs came out with a laugh. Tears of pure joy running down her face as Rey rush passed Finn as quickly as her body could carry her. It didn't take long for her to reach his body, large hands wrapped around her tiny waist as their bodies collided. There was a chilling sensation that rushed through her body as she touched him for the first time. 

_ Ben was here. Really here.  _

Rey could feel both of Ben's arms keep tightening around her, like he was scared she was going to vanish, his cheek resting against her head. She could hear his heart beating ringing in her ears and wasn't shocked in the slightest to find that its rhythm matched hers. After a few minutes of holding him (as well as sobbing like a baby in his arms), Rey moved back a bit so she could see Ben's face, her voice cracking as she spoke past the tears, "You came home."

Ben smiled, his face also soaked with tears, "I told you I would, Sunshine," He moved his one his arms away from her back and his hand crept up to cup her face, wiping tears away with the soft tip of his thumb, "I love you, Rey." He leaned down, turning his head slightly to line up to his lips with her and then kissed her with everything he had. Just as she thought, his lips tasted incredible. Rey held him as tight as he could, returning the kiss with just as much force and passion; both of them forgetting about the world around him. This was not like any kiss they’ve had through the connection. This kiss took her breath away just as much as it gave her life. It was everything she had ever wanted.

Love… family… a home.

And through the connection, her newly refilled heart started beating fast as she whispered her reply:

_ I love you, Ben Solo. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He back!!!! WoooH!


	20. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been struggling to write lately, so have some fluff and hopefully, I'll stop being a moody bitch in time to write the next chapter and it not take a million yearss

| Ben |

_ 7025 days. _

It had been 7025 days since Ben Solo pushed the love of his life and best friend away. 7025 since his childhood came to an end, and he let himself evolve into the darker, and angrier version of himself; Kylo Ren. He has been hollow and empty, living a terrible excuse for a life as the worst possible version of himself anyone could ever imagine. He had grown used to the darkness, and the loneliness that came with it. It was in the dark where Ben expected to spend the rest of his life, but then she came back. 

And now standing in the entry of his late grandmother's summer home, with his hand around her petite waist and his lips over hers, Ben can feel the light returning to his life and the darkness being melted away.

Ben's mind is racing and his heart is pounding.  _ God _ , she tastes like heaven, and her arms that can barely wrap around his waist feel just like home. He feels just about high off the adrenaline of her love that has just overwhelmed every inch of his being.

_ This is what home must feel like. _

Rey breaks away from his face to look at him again, and the sparkle in her light brown eyes was enough for him to know that this wasn't a dream. Ben couldn't believe he made it back-

"Ahh-" Ben groaned, coming down from his high as he started to remember just exactly  _ what _ he had made it back from. Every inch of him was so sore, and the exhaustion hit him like a ton of bricks. Ben stumbled side to side for a bit, his hand reaching for the arch of the doorway to steady himself.

"You're hurt," He heard Rey say, as her hands cupped his face and her eyes inspected him. 

Ben wasn't sure how bad he really looked, it's been a while since he's seen a mirror, "No... I'm fine-"

"Oh stop being tough, I can feel your pain," She chuckled. Just like him, she was happier he was at least alive and they were back together, "Let's get you inside."

Suddenly, as Ben's eyes looked deeper into the rest of the house, he was reminded that they were far from alone. There were a few unfamiliar faces that he noticed first, probably Rey's friends. Then not far from them, he could see Rey's friend Rose and his mother's secretary-guard, Kaydel. Last, and certainly not least, there were two final faces he knew all too well.

Before Ben could greet them, he stumbled to his knees, Rey managing to barely keep him from face planting the floor. His leg is throbbing, and he had almost forgotten how he had to hobble to the front door in the first place. He could hear footsteps rushing towards him, and lifted his head to find Gwen staring at him. He's impressed, she's crying.

"You're a fucking  _ arsehole _ , Solo," she smiles as she helps him to his feet.

On the other side of his body, Dom is supporting his other side, "Next time you think of doing so stupid I just might kill you myself."

Ben chuckles, letting them lead him into the living room. Rey isn't far behind, shadowing his steps until he's on the couch. Everyone else in the house has relocated into the same room as them. So many eyes are piercing down on you.

"Are you bleeding anywhere?" Rey asks as she helps him take off his jacket. His body feels like it's throbbing as the jacket slips off his body.

Ben's panting now, all his adrenaline fading, "I don't- I don't think so."

"Can we look?" Rey's question is almost a whisper, her fingertips at the bottom of his black henley. He's very hesitant at first, but Ben is tired and in pain and isn't really willing to put up a fight so he just nods okay, lifting his hand a bit to make it easier for Rey to lift the shirt off his body and over his head.

What they find when his naked chest is revealed, is a fucking mess.

He's bruised just about everywhere. Some darker than others. Ben is pretty sure something is broken, but he isn't sure what or where. Maybe a cracked rib? His right leg definitely is fucked up, and there is probably broken something down there too. It's bad. He looks like he was hit by a car, He feels like it, too.

"Who did this to you?" Kaydel's voice called out. Ben's eyes scan the room, everyone with different expressions on their faces. Hate, fear, and pain.

But it's the distraught look on Rey's face that truly gets his attention. Ben lifts his hand to her cheek, and he can't tell if she's the one shivering or his hand just can't stay still, "It's alright- I'm still here."

"Was this The Empire's doing?" Dom asked as he crossed his arms over his chest, Ben could see trying to stay calm wasn't his strong suit.

Ben only nodded, seconds later Rose returns with a medkit. He hadn't even realized she had rushed off, "I-I'm not sure if anything in here will help but-"

"He should see a doctor," One of Rey's friends finally speaks. He has an American accent, one he wasn't really expecting, "He should be in a hospital not here-"

"No doctors," Ben shakes his head no, his hands lowering to his side, "I can't"

"You look like you were thrown from a building!" The man is now yelling, looking around for reassurance, "You can't be serious?!"

"Poe," Rey looks back to speak now, "He can't."

"We can give him pain killers, maybe some hard liquor and a good night's rest," Gwen said as she goes to leave the room, "The rest is up to Ben."

* * *

it's not the best mix, but after a couple of ibuprofen, a few shots of vodka and dinner made by Kaydel and Rose (who sure do know how to cook), Ben is feeling a touch better. Poe and the final stranger, who Ben learns is Rey's stepbrother Finn, help him up the stairs into one of the bedrooms. Rey is still shadowing him, of course, and he can feel the worry oozing out of her. Like she's scared he's going to vanish into thin air.

The guys get him settled, helping him change into a pair of joggers he had Gwen bring him from home and a clean shirt and then leave Ben alone with Rey. She's gotten a couple of ice packs from the kitchen as well as some water and the bottle of the remaining ibuprofen in case he needs it later. She's holding his hand as she sits on the edge of the bed, watching him try to relax "How are you feeling?"

"You can't tell?" Ben chuckles but he can see Rey isn't feeling very playful right now, "Rey, baby, I'm okay."

"You were gone for a week-"

"I know-"

"I thought you were dead-"

"I know..."

"I thought you were going to leave me forever," Rey is crying now, her nails starting to dig into his hand as she squeezes it tighter, "I'm not ready to be alone again-"

"Rey," Ben tugged her closer, till she was laying down on her side next to him, cuddled against his left arm and his hand holding her tight by the waist, "You're not alone... you never will be again."

"Neither will you," She replied with a shutter, her arms wrapping around his large bicep, "I've waited so long for this..."

He hummed happily, "And what is _ this  _ exactly?"

"The ability to hold you without the fear of the connection taking you away," His grip tightened at her words, turning his head so he could place a kiss on the back of her head, "I could stay like this forever."

"So could I, Sunshine," He whispered into her hair, "So could I."

He's half asleep now, his grip loosening as he starts to daze off, he could feel her stirring in his arms, turning her body to better face him, "Is this okay if I lay like this?"

Ben nods okay, too tired to worry about her pushing down on any bruising, "Just- try not to touch my chest."

Her head is resting on his shoulder, while her one hand finds it way down to his waist, resting right at his bottom of his pelvic bone, "I love you, Benny."

"I know, sweetheart," He murmurs, already starting to drift off, "I know-"

* * *

Ben isn't sure how long it is that he's out for, but what he is sure of is that when he wakes up his body is drenched in sweat and his heart is pounding. He looks outside and can see it's still dark out, and sighed.  _ A nightmare _ , he tells himself,  _ it was only a nightmare. _ He looks to his left and is relieved to find Rey is still passed out next to him. There's a moment when he notices that she snoring lightly in his arms and the butterflies in his chest flutter like mad. She's still there, with him in bed and _ , fuck _ , she's absolutely perfect.

Everything about this moment is absolutely, chaotically, perfect.

He refuses to ruin  _ said  _ moment by thinking about all the gritty details of how he came to get here in the first place. Ben can worry about that in the morning. For now, all he wants to think about is the beautiful woman in his bed.

Rey...  _ his _ Rey.

She's smiling in her sleep as she shuffles closer to his body, and it's just about the cutest shit he's ever seen. Ben doesn't want to wake her, but he can't help lifting his right arm to reach over and touch her face. As his thumb runs across her cheek and down to her lips all he can think about is how soft she feels, and how delicious her lips look. His eyes start to follow each freckle on her face, admiring how naturally gorgeous he is. How did a guy like him get so lucky to be bonded for life to a woman like Rey? 

His touch must have woken her, because Rey starts to stir and her eyes flutter as they open slowly, and she's smiling, "You're still here."

"I am," He smiles back, his hand still touching her face. She’s not fully awake, her eyes drooping as they struggle to keep open, "Sleep, it's alright."

Rey nods okay, pulling a blanket at the end of the bed over both of their bodies before cuddling back into Bem's side, as she relaxes she places a kiss on his skin and smiles, "This is nice."

"It is," He replies softly. Who is he kidding? This is so much better than nice, it's everything he's ever wanted. Ben leans over and places a kiss on Rey's head as he moves his hand to hold her tightly by the waist, "Rey?" Rey hummed in response as she glanced up to look at him. Ben looked down into her eyes, and smiled softly, "Thank you."

She cocked her head to the side, confused, "For?" 

"Everything," Ben replied in earnest, his right hand coming back up to grab her cheek, "For your love, for your warmth... for you. I don't deserve any of it..."

Rey lifted her hand to Ben's face and wiped away a lone tear he didn't realize he cried. There was a glow to her smile, one that warmed his heart and calmed his frantic mind, "That's not true, you were made for me... my soulmate." 

Her hand rested near his lips and Ben placed a kiss into her palm, "Do you really believe that?"

Rey chuckled, "Of course I do, you told me so yourself... remember?"

"I do," Ben smirked, placing kisses into her palm again, "I remember everything from back then."

"Did you know you loved me... back then?" Rey was blushing now, and the look on her face made Ben's heart do backflips in his chest.

"Sunshine, I've loved you since you and I clashed heads when we were five years old," His words made her blush even harder; laughing at his response, and Ben was head over heels with how damn adorable Rey was, "Unfortunately, I was a stupid kid- and I realized how I felt way too late."

"We are together now, Benny, and that's all that matters," Rey smiled as she shuffled her body so their faces were more in line with each other, "This here... that's all that we need."

"I still can't help but wonder... if I could've done more," Ben smiled softened as he bit the inside of his cheeks, "I could've told you sooner... when we were sixteen."

"I was so angry at sixteen, Ben, I don't think I would've believed you," Rey chuckled with a big smile on her face, "It was rough, but this was the way this was meant to happen. Everything we've ever done has lead up to this very moment."

"And what moment is this exactly?" Ben smirked, leaning in to kiss Rey.

"The happiest moment of my life," She whispered against his lips as Ben closed in on her. He kissed Rey with all that he had. Ben was pretty sure he would never ever get sick of kissing her, especially in person. He didn't think it would be that much different than it was through the connection, but boy was he wrong. He could feel  _ everything _ now that they were truly, physically together. All of their emotions, their feelings, doubled in intensity when they were this close. All of the love... all of the lust. There was no hiding how bad both of them wanted the other, especially when he had no control over what his body was doing. Rey's leg rubbed up against his groin and he knew she could feel the massive hard-on he currently had. 

Ben wasn't sure why but he was uncontrollably embarrassed by it, "I'm sorry... I can't-"

"It's alright," She giggled rubbing her leg against it again, purposefully, as her thumb stroked his lips, "I feel it too."

"This isn't how I wanted to do this," Ben groaned not sure of what was throbbing more, his bruised body or the traitorous cock in his pants.

"It isn't?" The way Rey bit her lip as she smirked just about kill him. He wanted her so desperately.

"I want to be able to take care of you... like you deserve," Ben told her, the hand on her waist moving down to her ass, and pulling her in closer, "Can't really do that if I can barely move."

"I can wait," Rey leaned forward to kiss him again, moving her leg away so she was no longer rubbing up against him, "If it's for you, I don't mind waiting a little longer."

A part of him felt stupid stopping her before she had even started, but this isn't how he wanted it to go. If he was going to be with Rey  _ like that _ he would make it the best experience she had ever had... which made him wonder, "Have you- with others... before me?"

"Oh- well... yes," Rey seemed embarrassed as her hand trailed down off his face, moving carefully to the least bruised part of his chest, "Nothing to write home about, but I have had... other partners before, in college, " Her eyes glanced down, not wanting to look him in the eye, "Have you?"

Ben swallowed hard, feeling her embarrassment doubling his, "Yeah it wasn't- I just..." He sighed heavily; why was all of this so hard to admit to her? It's not like she didn't already know the worst of him, "Gwen always said- that if I didn't at least try to, after- you know, then I would never want it at all. I would associate the two with each other... when they are completely different things."

He watched as it took Rey a second to catch on to what he was going on about, and her draw dropped when she finally got what he was telling her, "Fuck, Ben, I completely forgot-"

"It took a long time to get used to the idea of associating sex with pleasure and not abuse," Ben explained to her, "It's- still a bit scary, but when I look at you," he smiles, "and how fucking gorgeous you are... all I think of is how badly I want all of you."

"Well whenever you're ready, I am all yours," Rey tucked her head under his chin and Ben closed his eyes as he held her tight, "There will never be anyone else."

He was quiet for a moment before finally asking, "Did you ever- love anyone else?"

"Nope," He could hear the smile on her face, "You're the only one," after a few minutes she looked up and repeated the question, “Did- you?”

Ben chuckled, a smile on his face as he leaned down to kiss Rey on her forehead, “Oh, yes,” he replied sarcastically, “I have had many lovers. Ladies can’t get enough of this ridiculous looking idiot,” Rey tapped him playfully, rolling her eyes at his response, “Rey, look at me, I’m not really anything to lose your mind over. In high school, I was the tall, weird kid with big ears who wore all black and had no friends. No one wanted to love  _ this _ .”

“I did,” Rey smiled, “I remember what you looked like at sixteen, I thought you were the most incredible looking man in the world. No matter how sad you looked.”

“And now?” Ben asked as he cuddled her close.

Rey yawned, her breath steadying and her body relaxing in his arms, “I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting you, Ben Solo.”

“Just the answer I was hoping for, Rey Johnson,” Ben yawned moments later, her exhaustion finally catching up to him. His eyes started to flutter shut, both of them passing out again just as his last words for the night slipped out like whispers, “ _ I love you _ .”


	21. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YA BOIII IS BACCCCCKK
> 
> Have I been sitting on this chapter for 254545641745641654 days? Yes. Am I sorry? Yes! Will I get the next chapter out in a timely fashion?
> 
> Who the heck knows.
> 
> But have this chapter! And let us pray that I use all my free time during this quarantine to finish this DAMN FIC! Hope everyone is staying safe<3
> 
> No TW Needed Here I Think... lemme know if I'm wrong !

| Rey |

"It was a setup," Ben said bluntly. Everyone else sat quietly as they ate their breakfast, listening to Ben as he spoke, "I thought I had the upper hand. The plan was easy. There is no way that anyone could have possibly known what we were up to, but we were wrong. Palpatine knew. He and Snoke both knew."

The room was silent and the tension in the air was so thick, Rey felt like it was going to suffocate her. After a few excruciatingly silent moments she could hear Dom mutter _fuck_ under his breath.

“I’m sorry-” Poe’s voice called out from the other side of the table, “For those of us who aren’t part of the criminal underground of New York, who the hell is Snoke and Palpatine?” He could see both Rose and Finn smack Poe’s arms for his comments, muttering something about being a ‘dickhead’ under their breaths.

“Gang Lords,” Dom replied simply, “Palpatine runs Brooklyn, Staten Island, and Queens. Snoke has, well, everything else.” 

"There has always been a mutual understanding between the two gangs. Stay on your sides of the bridge. Both men always hated each other from a distance but respected each other’s territories enough to not start anything that could put a financial detriment to their empires,” Ben scoffed. It was really all about _money_ and _power_ for both men, “Palpatine knew the rules- and my worth. He was ready to hand me back to Snoke for the right price," Ben told the group, "But his men weren’t happy I was going to walk away _punishment free_... They are the ones who beat me up, and then when Snoke arrived-"

"He murdered everyone," Phasma answered for him, "So I guess in a way our plan did work."

"I got out in the confusion, but now Snoke is catching wind of the bigger picture. He’s gonna start putting two and two together, and when he does- he’ll come for us," Ben glanced at Rey and she could see the look of terror on his face, "He's not going to stop until we are all dead."

"I won't let him hurt you," Rey told him as she reached for Ben's hand, "He's not taking you from me again."

"So what's your plan now?" Finn called out from the other side of the table, and everyone's head turned to face him, "New York's deadliest gangster wants you dead, so what's the plan?"

"I kill him first," Ben answered almost immediately, making Finn scoff from his seat.

"Not like this you're not," Rey snapped, "You can barely walk, Ben, how do you plan on killing someone?!"

"I'll figure it out-"

"You're not going anyway until your leg heals!"

"I can't wait around for him to find us first, Rey-"

"Well unless you have a death wish-"

"Does anyone else _have to_ die?" Rose's voice called out over Rey and Ben's arguing, "Isn't there a better way to get justice?!"

"Death is what he deserves," Dom replied, Gwen, nodding in agreement next to him, "A jail cell won't hold a man like him."

"I hate to be the voice of reason here, but let's face it, there is no real ending here where all of you walk free of your crimes if this man is dead!" Kaydel chimed in, shutting everyone up, "How many years did you guys work for him? Your hands are just as, if not more, bloody than his because you're the ones who did the heavy lifting! You all want a life after this, then we gotta figure out a better way!"

"We?" Ben growled, "There is no we! I'm not dragging anyone else into this-"

"You should've thought of that when you stopped taking your pills," Finn shot back like a mutter under his breath, making both Rey and Ben tense up.

Rey slowly turned to face Ben, who was staring down at his plate.

"He's right-"

"No! He's not," Rey jumped up out of her seat as she yelled across the table, "I'm a grown woman, I can make my own choices for fucks sakes! And what I choose is to be here, and fight for Ben's innocence!" Rey looked down for a moment to stare at Ben, and the sad look on his face made her heart drop, "It wasn't your fault... Snoke was a monster who abused and manipulated a sixteen-year-old boy into doing horrible things! You didn't have a choice! You, Dom and Gwen, are all innocent and I am going to prove it."

The stressful silence returned, as everyone seemed to sink in their seats. No one but Rey knew the extent of what Ben, Dom, and Gwen went through during their time with The First Order. Only she knew the disgusting truth about what kind of monster Snoke really was, and she wasn't about to let that Darkness swallow anyone else whole. She would fault for their freedom, no matter what it would cost her.

"Alright, then it's settled," Poe's voice called out to break the silence, "We clear their names... no matter what it takes."

"So... now what?" Rose questioned as everyone looked around at each other with lost expressions. 

After a moment or two, Rey realized that Ben and Kaydel had locked eyes, and could feel a conflicted worry in his chest. Before she could ask him about it, Ben opened his mouth to speak.

"I can't-" Ben croaked as he stared Kaydel down.

"You don't really have a choice," Kaydel replied with a sigh as she pulled her phone out and slid it across the table into Ben's hands. 

Rey glanced at Ben, who was staring down at the phone and then looked back to Kaydel, "What is it?"

"If we are going to do this, we are going to need help," Kaydel sighed, "We are going to need legal help."

"We can't go to the police," Gwen was quick to intervene.

"You can't," Ben replied as he lifted Kaydel's phone to his ear, and from where Rey was sitting she could hear him trying to call someone, "But I can." Rey watched as Ben sighed, and after a few seconds someone on the other line picked up, "Mom?... yeah I'm okay," She could hear Leia's frantic voice on the other line, and feel Ben's heart tense up as she spoke to him, "Mom... I need Luke's number..."

"Luke?" Someone questioned, Rey not really focusing on who as much as she was focusing on Ben.

"Luke Skywalker," Kaydel explained.

"Wait a minute!" Gwen's voice croaked as she sat up in her seat, "You don't mean Chief of Police Luke Skywalker-"

"The same one," Kaydel smirked, clearly knowing something the rest of them didn't.

"Why in the bloody hell would he want the Chief of Police's-"

"He's Ben's Uncle," Kaydel replied, making Dom and Gwen groan in frustration.

Rey watched as Ben typed a number into his phone, his focus still on his mother on the other line, "Thanks, Mo-... no, not yet. I don't think that a good... when everything is okay I'll come and visit again I promise... I love you too, Mom." Ben hung up the phone and glanced at Rey.

"Are you okay?" Rey asked softly, her hand reaching out to hold his.

_I'm trying_ , His voice called out through the connection as a soft smile formed on his face.

“What did the Governor say?” Kaydel asked as she reached out for her phone.

Ben slid the phone back and sighed, “She gave me his number- now I just gotta call him.”

“So... what are you waiting for?” Poe asked with a sing-songy tone.

“I’m- uh,” There was a shift in his heartbeat, Rey noticed, as Ben moved to get up. She reached out to steady him as he wobbled side to side, but he held out his hand to stop her, “I’m gonna go upstairs and- yeah.”

_What’s wrong?_ She asked him through the bond as he glanced at her for just a moment, but Ben said nothing. Instead, he turned to hobble away leaving Rey and everyone else watching in confusion. He was closing up, Rey could feel it, but why? She never knew much about his uncle, Luke, whose name never came up when he was younger. To Rey, this meant there was some type of tension that had been there that Ben was very good at hiding. Even now when she tried to search the connection for answers she couldn’t feel anything but rising walls and-

“Rey?” She jumped to the feeling of Rose’s arms around her shoulders, Rey hadn’t even noticed her best friend approach her, “You alright, babe?”

“Yeah- I’m fine,” Rey glanced at Rose for a second then back to where Ben had walked away. He was no longer in her line of sight, but Rey could still sense him.

“Let’s take a walk, yeah?” Rose turned around to the rest of the group, “We should go get more groceries if we’re gonna be here awhile-”

There were a few seconds of silence and then Kaydel replied, “We really shouldn’t leave the house, you guys.”

“I can go with them,” Dom chimed in, “Stores not far from here, anyway, we’ll be quick.”

“Come on, Rey,” Rose said, leading her along, “He’ll tell you what’s wrong when he’s ready, okay?”

“Yeah-” Rey replied half-heartedly, “When he’s ready.”

  
  
  


* * *

"Remind me to never get stuck with you during the apocalypse," Dom joked as he, Rey, and Rose walked through the small family-owned corner shop. Dom picked through the tiny cart Rose was pushing, examining the snacks inside, "Potato chips, frozen pizza, gummy bears- are we having a sleepover or?"

"It's called _comfort food,_ Armitage," Rose chuckled as she slapped his hand away from the cart, "Live a little, won't ya?"

Rey walked behind them as they continued to bicker. Though she was with Rose and Dom physically, her mind was with Ben. Or with Ben as much as it could be, because Ben was currently blocking her out from physically visiting him which was only making Rey worry even more.

_I wish you'd tell me what's wrong,_ Rey called out, _You can trust me-_

_I never thought I couldn't,_ Ben called back, _but this one. It hurts, Rey._

_Don't shut me out, Benny, please,_ Rey sighed out loud, walking along with her head down.

"You alright, Rey, babe?" Rose called out from ahead of her, causing Rey to stop and lookup. Both Rose and Dom were now staring at her with worried faces, "Rey?"

"I'm okay," Rey put on her best fake smile, _Benjamin Solo if you don't tell me what's going on I swear-_

_He's seen me before,_ Ben finally answered _, as Kylo Ren. He knows what I've done…_

_What Snoke_ **_made_ ** _you do,_ Rey snapped back as she continued to follow Rose and Dom though the store, _it wasn't your fault-_

_I can't pretend like I didn't do the things I did, Rey,_ Ben responded, _it doesn't matter that Snoke told me to do it. I still pulled the trigger. The blood is still on my hands-_

_Then we'll clean them,_ Rey's innermost voice shook, _I'll clean them._

"I won't stain your hands trying to wash mine, baby, you don't deserve that," Ben finally appeared to her in the store, "if something was to happen to you, Rey, I don't know what I'd do."

_Nothing's going to happen to me Ben,_ Rey smiled as she reached out to hold his hand, but just before she could reach him she could feel his heartbeat pick up and see a change of expression in his eyes. It’s **fear**. Something is wrong, “Ben?”

Rose and Dom stop walking and turn back to Rey again, who is standing in the middle of the aisle staring at an invisible Ben. He isn’t moving or speaking, he isn’t even thinking. All Rey can hear is the way his heart beats faster with the rising panic in his chest, and then suddenly his mouth gapes open and his eyes dilate, “Don’t come back to the house.”

And just like that, he’s gone and Rey is cut out.

“Ben?” Rey calls out, her voice getting louder and more panicked, “Ben!?”

She can’t connect. 

Why can’t she connect?

What the _hell_ is going on?!

“Rey!” Dom’s voice staps her back into reality, his hands on her shoulders trying to steady her shaking body, “What’s wrong?”

“We have to get back, something’s wrong-” Before she can finish the little bell on the front door jingles, and the front clerk greets someone who’s entered the store. Rey’s eyes turn slowly to the entrance of the store, where two men in black leather jackets have just entered. Both of them are staring around the store, almost like they are looking for something-

“Knights of Ren,” The words sneak out of Dom’s mouth like a whisper, and now Rey can’t tell if she’s the one who’s shaking or if it’s Dom, “We need to leave-”

“You!” One of the Knight’s yells out from the front of the store, “Stop right there!”

Dom grabs Rey and Rose’s hands and starts dragging them quietly to the back of the store. Behind them, Rey can just barely make the voice of the front clerk; whose arguing with the Knight’s, and then out of nowhere there’s a sound so foreign yet so familiar that it shakes her down to her very core. It echoes throughout the entire store and causes Rose to scream in terror. 

It’s a gunshot.

The clerk is probably dead.

**They’re** probably dead.

“We have to get to the back door, there must be an exit or window you can get out though,” Dom tells them as they duck behind a large shelf display, “I can distract them while you guys try to make it back to the house."

Rose is shaking uncontrollably next to Dom, tears flooding her eyes as she nods her head along with everything he says. Rey, however, isn’t all entirely there. She’s too busy trying to make some kind of connection with Ben but no matter what she does, she can't reach him. If something happened and she's not there to protect him-

"Rey," Her head snaps up at the sound of Dom's voice, "I need you here- _Rose_ needs you here!" Rey nods okay and Dom sighs, "When I tell you to run, you run and don't look back. No matter what you don’t stop running until you reach the house."

Rey only nods in response, and then reaches out for Rose's hand. After a few seconds, Dom pulls his gun out from where it was hidden tucked in his pants and then nods for Rey to run. He jumps up from his hiding spot as Rey and Rose make a break for the back door. The sound of gunshots boom throughout the store as they run, both girls keeping low as they finally make it to the back. Rey gets the door open, letting Rose go through first and then breaks Dom's promise by turning back to look for him, "Dom!"

"Run, Rey! Just go!" He yells back over the shooting. One of the knights is closing in on him while the other has noticed her in the back of the store. He breaks into a sprint and Rey enters the back room, shutting the door behind her and making sure to lock everything up.

"What about Armitage?!" Rose gets out though her crying as Rey blocks the door with a desk.

"He'll be okay, but we have to go," Rey answers, not truly believing in her reply, as she grabs Rose's hand and starts running through the back room. Like they expected there's a door that leads out of the building, and Rey rushes to unlock it, "We have to get back to the house-" 

Rey throws the back door open and is stopped in her tracks by another tall man dressed in black, his jacket similar to the men in the front of the store. Her heart drops as the man lowers his gun and grabs her by her shirt.

"We have the girls," he calls out to someone they can't see, "Bring the truck around."

"No!" Rose screams out as she backs herself into a wall. A fourth man appears as Rey is dragged out of the building, and moments later a large truck pulls up and the side door opens. Both girls scream as the men throw them into the car. Rose sobbing is unclear but the name that Rey screams for can most likely be made out for miles.

" **_Ben!!!_ **"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REY: NoThInG iS gOiNg To HaPpEn 2 MEEEEEEEEEe
> 
> Me: SIIIIIIIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
> 
> (Also. I've been writing a much softer fic lately |which is why I stopped posting this one like a ShitHEEAD| Would you guys wanna read it? It's about one v.soft, v.shy Ben 'Cat Dad' Solo whos self-proclaimed "work wife", Rose, convinces him to let Rey be his new roommate! It's soft and fun and also a WIP but if you guys are interested I'll totally post the thing! Lemme know!)


End file.
